#43 | July 16 - 30, 1998  

low-yield murder	"skull-brain trauma"	podyezd	really stupid criminal	children	Russian Sports Connection	murder-suicide
cries for help ignored	"investigation continuing"	carved up like a turkey	related to victim's job	cannibalism	riddled with bullets	old people

SHOOT FIRST, SIT IN JAIL LATER

Some of you "Death Porn" readers may have noticed, in the eXile legend, a category called "Really Stupid Criminal". Look at the cartoon face of the "stupid criminal" in the legend entry: bald, confused, brutal, toothless, the kind of guy who could move to help a little girl across the street and end up raping her instead, by mistake. Russia is full of guys like that: they're almost everyone outside of Moscow.

"Now, are you going to be wanting tru-cote with that nine-year sentence?"

The hero of this particular story, however, is a different kind of really stupid criminal. He's the really stupid criminal with a heart. The nameless defendant, who was written up in Moskovsky Komsomolets last week, started his unhappy journey to stupid-stardom by getting drunk alone at the Karina summer cafe on Bolotnikovskaya Ulitsa. So far, so good. But then he got in an argument with a troika of belligerent Kafkazis who were sitting at the table across from him. The three dark-skinned fellers must have called the Russian feller a pretty hefty name, because the Russian up and ran home and fetched a hunting rifle. He then raced back to the cafe and began- now here comes the really stupid part -firing indiscriminately through the window, apparently not aware that the three Kafkazi had taken off. Then, v resultate, as the Russians say, three totally innocent bystanders who had made the mistake of sitting by the window were shot. The victims were all Russian, with two men aged 30 and 22, and one 39 year-old woman. The two men survived, while the woman was D.O.A. at the hospital. The young man confessed to the crime the next day, saying that he had done it to avenge his insult. He was all heart. Now he's gonna do a lotta time.

THAT WAS YOUR OWN APARTMENT, YOU DICKHEAD

And now for a really stupid criminal, youth model. Here's a good story about the kinds of things people do to pass the time in the village of Yam, in the Domodedova region of the Podmoskovia. Last Sunday at six p.m., an explosion rocked the quiet suburban village when a 14 year-old boy blew up his own apartment with a grenade while he and a friend were still in it. It turns out the 14 year-old had swiped the "Mukha" grenade from his 25 year-old brother, who'd bought it from a neighbor and kept it on the kitchen shelf. Our young hero had invited a 16 year-old friend from Tula to stay with him for the weekend, during which time his parents were conveniently away.

"Hey! There's another dead guy on the stairs!"

By Sunday evening they'd apparently exhausted the entertainment possibilities, and the 14 year-old host took out the hand grenade to show to his buddy. Now, here's where the stupid part comes in. A grenade is a pretty simple device. You can stare at it from sunup to sundown, and no matter which way you cut it, it's still trouble if you pull out the pin. Anyway, that's what these yo-yos did. 10 seconds later the walls in the apartment were all destroyed, while every window in the 5-story khuschyevka was shattered. The young host's big brother was in the adjoining room at the time of the blast, and had to spend a half-hour digging the two boys out of the rubble. Both kids lived, but the guest lost all the fingers on his right hand, while the host sustained severe injuries to both hips. Cops still haven't decided whom to charge with what. We'll let you know.

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST GET DRUNK LIKE EVERYONE ELSE?

14 year-old kids aren't the only ones blowing up their houses with grenades these days. According to the Vladivostok News, a 48 year-old resident of the village of Dalnerechensk killed himself and injured his wife and son when he strapped a number of hand grenades to his body and pulled the pins.

"Before you insert screw o.6B in slot 9A, make sure that it is free of any ears or other extraneous body parts."

Apparently he'd settled on the grenade idea after quarreling with his wife. The man himself was blown to bits, as was his wooden house; wifey and son escaped with minor injuries. As in the case of the Yam incident, police are now snooping around, wondering where the hell the culprit got his grenades, as the perpetrator did not have any ties to the military. No word yet on that investigation, nor have there been any reports yet of seminars instructing Russians to remain at least an arm's length from family members at all times.

HE SOLD FINNISH PLUMBING EQUIPMENT, THAT'S WHY

Contract killers are keeping the plot pretty much the same, but lately, they've begun changing the location from time to time. Most recently, the professional hit was brought to dacha life, as a young businessman was shot in the spine at his summer shack in the village of Novaya, in the Orekhovo-Zuyevo region. According to police, one 44 year-old Sergei Zhigarev was on his way home from a local soccer field last Saturday when two assassins approached his home on a black motorcycle, jumped off , and shot him with automatic weapons. The victim was hit several times in the back and feel to the ground, dead instantly. Nonetheless, as is the custom lately, one assassin approached the supine victim and fired what has come to be called a "control" shot in the heart (the "control" head shot is also common). They then

"Do you want to pull his pants down, or should I?"

jumped on their motorcycle and fled the scene. Police later discovered the motocycle in the area, a brand new "Voskhod" model that had been painted black-the paint was still wet when the police found it. Originally, the bike was red. Why did they need to paint it? Who knows? It's not as though it threw the police off their trail. Whatever- it must be part of contract murder protocol. In a shocking revelation, police later said that they believed the killing was connected to the professional activities of the victim, who sold Finnish plumbing equipment. Relatives of the deceased said he'd acted "nervous" in recent weeks, and appeared to be "expecting disaster". Well, he got it!