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low-yield murder |
"skull-brain trauma" |
podyezd |
really stupid criminal |
children |
cries for help ignored |
murder-suicide |
"investigation continuing" |
carved up like a turkey |
related to victim's job |
cannibalism |
riddled with bullets |
old people |
Canada |
Don't Axe Me, I Just Kill Here
If Russia had a dime for every Raskolnikov-abee axe-murderer, it might be able to pay off its sovereign debt and then some-or, at the very least, have another massive piggy bank to plunder and wire offshore. Unfortunately, Russia
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Tanning parlors for the pre-born: "Headstart on Beauty" or premature health risk? |
doesn't have a dime for every Raskolnikov, but it does have a Raskolnikov for every dime. This issue we are proud to present the harrowing story of an unnamed 39-year-old former weight lifter from Shakovsky, one of those life-affirming pod-Moskvoi towns that seem to be little more than factories for Death Porn tales.
According to Moskovsky Komsomolets, retirement was a little too painful for the failed Alexei Vasliev. Mostly, it was physically painful. When it got to so's he couldn't even get the medieval medical treatment he required, he popped a lactic acid fuse. Sometime around dusk two weeks back, he grabbed a hatchet, took a long, sullen stroll through the dusky village, and, without warning, drove it into the neck of a 41-year-old woman who was on her way to catching a Moscow-bound bus to see her ailing mother. She died on the spot.
Unlike Raskolnikov, it didn't take a hyper-clever shrink/investigator like Porfiry Petrovich to squeeze a wrenching confession out of this murderer. In fact, it didn't take a human being at all. Cops simply used a dog to follow the drops of blood back to the murderer's house, where he'd locked himself in with
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"See Doc, every wannabe's got piercings! I wanna push the envelope, show those wusses how it's done!" |
his protective mother. Two police broke inside to arrest him, when he took a swing at one; the other managed to shoot him in the leg, hitting a vein. The 39-year-old weightlifter slowly bled to death from the wound. Now, you've gots ta admits, if that isn't a downright better ending than the original redemption ending, then at the very least, it's a lot more modern.
E-Z Twist-Off Suicide
Imagine the mess, not to mention emotional scars, that selfish suicide chumps like Kurt Cobain left behind after he sprayed the front of his head all over Courtney & Son's shaggy family room carpet. In fact, when you think about it, is there a single suicide perpetrator who doesn't display supreme selfishness? Welp, there just may be one.
Two Sundays ago, a grieving family came to the Khimkinskaya Cemetery to do some grievin' when they spotted something swinging from a tree. The deceased, described by MK as around sixty years old, was discovered at least 12 hours after he decided to give himself a snap lesson in the world-popular rope dance. Not only was the deceased so unselfish as to make sure that his own loved ones wouldn't have to endure the pain of discovering his pomegranate cranium split
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Malcolm McLaren reveals a softer, more lyrical side on the cover of his first exercise video, "Low-Impact Rites of Spring." |
open like something out of The Thing; not only did he ensure they wouldn't see his neatly snapped-necked corpse by stripping himself of all documents in-advance, ensuring that no one could identify his corpse; not only did he kill himself in a graveyard ensuring E-Z disposal; but he even distracted the visiting bereaved family by ensuring that they will be emotionally scarred for months after discovering his corpse, thereby taking their minds off of their sadness. All in all, he has left a very valuable and powerful lesson to us all.
Whatta Kham!
A leader of the feared Solntsevo gruppirovka, who goes by the nickname "Kham", was nabbed by RUBOP forces two weeks ago as he pulled out of his dacha in his Pajero sports utility vehicle. Kham's specialty was kidnapping and torture. Here's how he'd do it. His fellas would nab a businessman, and try to force them to pay a ransom. When they refused, they'd often be dragged out to a graveyard, passing the odd rope-samba suicide slug, and forced to dig their own graves. Once they took a hostage to Khama's two-story dacha off Borovsky Highway in Shaparovo, and held him while playing target practice on a paper target. Then, when he refused to budge on the money issue, they began using him as a live target. Kham (which means "boor" in Russian) clocked in some ten victims over the past two years. When he was arrested, they found a TT pistol, one and a half kilos of TNT and two old "Saiga" carbine rilfes.
Son Got Her Tongue
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"I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy! I'm not breathing!" |
While dogs tend to become less obedient during this, the spring mating season, one Moscow schizophrenic went into a different kind of heat. According to MK, police were tipped off when a pensioner found a note scrawled and tossed out a window reading: "Help! They're killing me!" In this case, "they" referred to the personality-endowed schizoid. His 70-year-old mother was unable to scream, because her son had cut her tongue out with a knife. Police from the Levoberezhny OVD broke down the door. The son rushed the cops with his knife, but he was stopped Yosemite-Sam-like in a hail of bullets. His mother is in critical condition with slash-wounds to her face and a tongue-less mouth.
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