Issue #10/65, May 20 - June 3, 1999  

JUST BELGIAN

Very much opposed to the Nato-intervention in Yugoslavia, I was reading your "101 reasons why...", until I stumbled upon reason 49: "If we send ground troops, it will be a NATO operation, which means American troops will die under Eurotrash command. Do you want your cousin to walk into an ambush under Belgian orders?" Well I'm a Belgian and I don't like being referred to as "Eurotrash". You don't like Belgians ? What do you know about Belgium anyway ? Did you ever go to Belgium ? Did you ever spoke to a Belgian ? Or do you think that because a country is relatively small in surface, it can be insulted and pushed around just like that ? This reeks of fascism, if you ask me. Maybe you should join Nato then an go bomb a 'relatively small' country like Yugoslavia. Or join Milosevic and go murder a "relatively small" number of Kosovars. I thought we were on the same side against Nato but this really makes me sick. So no more picking on Belgians please. I expect an apology and the immediate removal of reason 49.

Mattias Creffier, Ghent, Belgium

Dear Mattias,
Actually, we had initially written, "...American troops will die under EUROFAG command," but then we thought that we might be offending the millions of Eurofags who live outside of Belgium, so we changed it to the more politically-acceptable "Eurotrash." We apologize if we offended members of Belgium's significant Eurofag minority such as yourself, and we hope this doesn't distract you from the production of any of your delightful child porn vids you Belgians are so famous for.

SWEDISH IRONY

Dear Editor,
It seems to me that Matt looked further than necessary if he wanted to hit someone (How Zhenya's parents sold her, the Exile May 6-20). He got upset overhearing an older American proposing to marry a fiften-year old girl and invite her parents to Florida. Now, in the same issue, Mark Ames admits sleeping with a sixteen-year old girl ("jizzing in her bag" is how he most romatically puts it), a behaviour that would probably put him behind bars in his home country. And he does not even intend to buy her a Palm Pilot, much less marry her. May I suggest to John Dolan and his friend another, closer target for their aggression? Matt Taibbi's article in the same issue ("Kiddie Fights Without Rules") was an even more fascinating example of hypocrisy. According to Taibbi, Moscow is the most perverse city in the world. The reason? It apparently organises children's boxing events. "You could hear the kids whining in pain", complains Taibbi. Now if this is perverse, then how do you describe children assaulting each other with grenades and machine-guns, as is their habit in the United States?

Regards
Anders Nilson
St Petersburg

Dear Mr. Nilson,
We're not exactly sure what you're getting at here, but you do seem to think you've hit the intellectual jackpot by unraveling that irony wrapped in a paradox sealed in a can of herring. One thing's for sure: we can't pull the wool over Anders Nilson's eyes.

RED MENACE

Wow..i'v been reading this thing for a month or so now.. I guess i am not too surprised at a views themself , since I am Russian but more that someone actually born within USA thinks this way... Well - this just gave me one more way to excuse me being a pathetic coward and hide here from cold mother Russia:). Hmm..Keep it up guys not that you need me to tell you that. And btw on NBC there was already a short report where KLA were called "rebels" and they said something along the lines that "NATO peacekeeping force will have to disarm those rebels after accord has been reached". I guess years of listening to Soviet tv/reading newspapers taught me to understand things from US media. Or may be i am just dreaming:)

--Ugen

Dear Ugen,
Wait a minute... you didn't actually believe us all that time during the Cold War about free speech and journalistic ethics, did you? Oh, shi-hi-hi-hit, bro', them's was jokes! We didn't think you guys actually bought that shit! Sorry, guys, but we was jus' fuckin witcha. Word up. And by the way, who ever gave you, a Russian net nerd living in America, the right to criticize our country in an email packed with cute little smiley faces. It's things like this that make us consider calling the INS. We can say anything: that you approached us advocating the violent overthrow of the United States of America. Then you'll see how Soviet we really are, ya suburban Kulak!

LACONIC-EDGY SINCERITY

Editor,
I'm dyin......just read Moscow Babylon.....f.u.k.k.i.n. hysterical Eaglesrealm@lords.com.

Dear .com, That column wasn't meant to be funny.

TAKE MY GRANDMA, PLEASE

It is apparent that you and your friends have spent a little too much time away from the United States and too much time in that fucked up sureal world you are living in to maintain proper judgement anymore. Your little protest the war article shows that you are just trying to be cute and clever and state opinions that dont reflect the world as entire... if you think its not our business to be there to stop the killings in Kosovo....that it is just too big of an ancient grunge to deal with..then you give my grandmother a call and ask her if she would have like the United States to have come and helped her family out in Poland 50 years ago when she was one of 8 children and engaged to be married.....her aunt forced her onto a ship to the USA and every family member, friend, every person she saw on the street in her day to day life was murdered. Email me and ill give you her phone number and ask her what misery her life has been. I am completely against war...and i agree these groups will always kill eachother....so if they cant play nice...maybe we need a Kosovo wall to seperate the two.

But dont degrade the USA with yer shite..Because when I woke up this morning and was watching CNN..there was a nice report about how even though bombing the Chinese emabassy was an accident and we are apologizing to every person we can find....the Chinese government is using the media to their advantage and not letting the people know that it was an accident..not letting them know we are apologetic..building this into a monster beast..WHY????..because the chinese want to play..they want to be a nice big super power..and they have lots and lots of people whom they need to control and make patriotic...so make the USA the big enemy..just like the Arabs do.....and then the CHinese government looks strong in the peoples eyes...Hussein plays that game also.....and so China will become big and strong..and the wasteland of dead spirit you live in now will eventually start doing the same thing again ..because the crys of the people will demand an enemy and will need to be controlled and ruled.....SO THANK FUCKIN GOD THE USA IS IN CONTROL..BECAUSE THE REST ARE BIGGER MANIACS WAITING FOR THEI OPPORTUNITY....SO FUCK OFF AND GET A CLUE

Jason Hersch

Dear Jason,
Your grandmother was a skanky old whore and you have to be one of the dumbest letter-writers with a Jewish last name we've ever come across. What kind of moron emails a humor magazine and angrily offers his grandmother's home phone number?

GET A CLUE!

Free mike tyson? give me a break!-tyson is a low life scum we American`s do not kiss ass violent rapest criminals simply because they are black-we think of them as equals under the law-try it some time.

Mfmokuleia@aol.com

We won't respond like bearded lefties and say that Clinton has been accused of rape and harassment and is now bombing the shit out of an entire country--and he gets off scott-free. Nope. What matters to us is that you, whoever you are, have the right to express your opinion, and we are proud to know that one day, you might even sit in the jury and try a "rapest" with all your civic best intentions.