[sic]-ly sweet

Guys,
You ARE crazy, but I luv you !!!!
St D

Dear St D,
What are you wearing :}

punjab nick

Dear eXile,
Taibbi's skinhead article made for good reading (rare in the eXile),but he missed a major point. The huge effect that these violent misfits have had on the non-white student population is what he missed.

Since the 20th of April, news of a lot of attacks have been circulating around the student community. These aren't the sporadic events we heared about in the past.

These are bad guys dressed in black, with shaven heads looking for poor helpless asians and blacks to beat the shit out of. Some of us have been beaten really badly and some of us have seen others being bashed to pieces. The total effect is that few of us care to venture out alone (some of us don't venture out at all) and a lot of us have decided to pack up and leave for good which means a lot of wasted money and/or an acadaemic year.

Sure the police harrass us but I haven't yet met a policeman who wouldn't listen to reason or a 50 Ruble note, the skinheads by creed aren't reasonable, they might take our money and they will definitely try and skull us. In short,the police were never a big problem for us, the skins are.

It's sad that Matt Taibbi didn't talk to the people who are really affected by the skinheads, if he had, his story might have turned out a little different. It's also sad that the eXile neglects the huge foreign student community that is in Russia even though a lot of us never fail to pick up a copy if we see one. Get with reality people or get lost.

Arjun Rohan Nath
A poor helpless little Indian

Dear Arjun Rohan Nath,
First of all, anyone who signs his letters "a poor helpless little Indian" either isn't really an Indian, or if he is, might as well be holding up a sign that says "Beat me!" But if you are an Indian, then, being a foreigner, you're missing the point. This newspaper isn't for foreigners. It's for Americans. Non-foreign Americans, if you know what we mean. Which includes you, Nick Allen of the Moscow Times.

you're a real tool

Hey dudes!!
Here we go, been reading that mess of yours for years now.... Obviously from the start up of my letter you see that actually I am no poet... have difficult time writing, but badly want the shirt.... so here is a deal, I gotta read next 10 issues of yours and you give me a shirt... with that you even get another reader, huh??
Tell me what you think.
Your faithful fan.
Me

Dear "Me",
You are one sorry fucking individual, but we'll give you the shirt. Jesus...We're giving away something worthless for nothing, and here you are bargaining with us. Don't bargain! Just call the goddamn office and get your shirt!

whatever you want

Dear [sic],
I know this may sound immature, but it seems like you guys have been laying off the gaudy sexual references lately, and your pictures of tits and ass are far too infrequent for my taste. I don't want to seem petty, but without naked devushki and raunchy jokes, well, what's the point?

signed,
Cowboy

p.s. I heard Cherie D. has really big tits. Is that true???

Dear Cowboy,
First of all, Cherie D. doesn't have huge tits. She's actually a disgusting leathery-skinned oily hog with an ass only a butcher could love. As for us not being raunchy enough, is this good enough for you?

In case you're wondering, that's a snatch!

hard little nips

Dear Gentlemen:
Being a long-time (albeit occasional) reader of your paper, it is not your untiring (albeit unilateral) war with moscowtimesness that I admired most of all, although it does deserve utmost admiration.

What amused me was that endless stream of naive guys and gals lining up for the notorious (and, probably, non-existent) T-shirt, commending, blasting or otherwise evaluating your ceaseless attempts to make fun. They all seem to flout the truth embodied in the favorite saying of your pal, Gen. Lebed, "He laughs best who has the last shot."

I mean, the last say. It is clear to every nerd, wiseass, and even flathead, that you, Gentlemen, will always have the last say, being able to ridicule whatever you find worthy of being ridiculed and not worthy of a khalyavnaya tee-shirt. As for your MT battle, I have just one comment: Jean McKenzie is cool, you're cooler, so where's the rift point?

Laura Zamniuss (it's a real name, okay)
P.S. What do you think of Masha Gessen's soap opera, Respectable Sirs?

Dear Laura,
This letter is clearly a trap, and we're not stupid enough to answer it at face value. Why don't we answer it this way: how would you like to come into our offices and have cold tapioca smeared all over your nipples? How'd you like to take a drive with us to the country to a little shed with a hot-water spigot? How'd you like to stand in the rain and sing Hitler songs? We thought so, you dirty little bitch!

go far away

Dear Overaged Frat Boys,
Your paper sits beside me on the couch and I am tortured.... Should I read it, and risk becoming completely annoyed and disgusted (because you guys are such assholes and it "shines through" in your writing)? Or should I toss it off of the balcony NOW, and end my agony. It's kind of a weekly thing for me these days.

Anyway, on to the point of this letter. It's an enlightenment issue, and I want to help you guys out. The thing is, you're just the same as your nemesis Tugboat, even though you can't see it. The thing which you despise in her/it, the self-indulgent nothingness of her articles, is the same thing the rest of us hate you guys for. The only reason we read either of you is that real English language newspapers cost a minimum of $3.00 here, and we're cheap.

The disease of denial is difficult to overcome, I know. But if any of you "editors" ever feel ready to face the painful truth, I suggest you take a readers poll via email. Ask you readers to break it to you gently in the subject line of their responses: "Just like Tugboat" or "Frat Boys are Cool." Then, when the Tug votes pour in, you can commence your recovery (starting with forcing Mark Ames to write about things which might interest people other than himself) (we don't care what he takes or whom he fucks, trust me).

Come on, I don't want a t-shirt. I know this is too long to publish. Just write me back and put me out of my misery. Tell me "no fucking readers poll, we don't care what our captive audience thinks" (just like Jeeeaaaan) or else give me the date on which you'll mention the poll. Okay? Or else find a way to be SO mean in response to my letter, that I'll have the strength, desperate as I am for printed matter, not to take the first eXile.

Thanks for your help, and you're welcome for mine.

kim
ps Fucking Mark Ames - you actually wrote something ENTERTAINING this week, something I could almost AGREE with. WHY??? Either be a self-obsessed asshole all of the time, or write well all of the time. Please.

Dear Kim,
No readers' poll. Here's what we think of our captive audience: it can be one person smaller. Don't ever read us again. Find something else to do with your spare time. Don't tell us what that is. We're getting bummed just thinking about it.