OVER THERE

Dear [sic],
Well, well. The Septic Tanks having another pop at something they're shit at. Football may suck, eXile, but not as much as your old Ma.

Boring? Ask your beloved football fans why they have to have cheerleaders in tight shorts to watch. Or why they have to invent crap like the wave to keep the comatose sods awake through another riveting clash between two flat walls of steroid-crazed jocks like two girls too afraid to fight. Or why they have a two-minute warning bell to wake everybody up and remind them to leave. Christ, three whole minutes of cod 'action' and it's time for another Gatorade break and buttslapping session. And how oh-so-gripping are those other great US exports? Both your basketball and Sampras-led tennis have become as fascinating as a metronome. And we do have deciders like penalties and golden goals later on, but with your inbred gnat-like attention span you probably didn't realize it was only the opening rounds.

Effete? We Euros gave you perfectly barbaric sports like hockey and you swath your poor widdle boys in protection lest they chip a fingernail. We like our contestants in the raw, but you arseholes can't wait to dress up and cover yourselves in advertising. And speaking of which, why do you fuckers insist on ruining every sportsman's life with your inept sponsorship choices? Curse of Nike, anyone? Those poor Brazilian bastards have been shut down in every game since you wankers put the tick hex on their boots. As for bad haircuts, the Mullet is actually a yank invention-ask Mike D from the Beastie Boys. And since when were "Two Princes" fucking ginger beards popular anywhere but on the Yank team. Maybe you've been away.

You ignorant fuckwits are are like the spoilt tosser who turns up at the park with his third Man U. away strip that month and wants to join in. He's got all the gear but everyone tells him to piss off. Even when you had the bloody thing in your own yard, you flaked it. Like having a party and passing out after two bottles-a characteristic yank act. At least we let you have a go. Despite baseball being the second most popular sport in the land of Sony your 'World Series' is hardly wide open to all those Japs, is it? And when you let the Canadians have a pop they bloody ran off with it. You're shit and you know you are.

I had some other stuff about Camus being both an existentialist and a goalkeeper but I can't be arsed. Football is huge and getting even huger in your own country and other spots were your ersatz cultural imperialsm is becoming old. The sporting balance f payments is in our favour. Meanwhile you pinheads try to sell us your shite. And we're not buying. And next time you think you want to sound unorthodox, ask your ma. Because your ma knows. Fuckers.
Al
Zoo Bar
Moscow

Dear Al,
Actually, the balance of payments is in our favour, as far as you're concerned. If you work for the Zoo Bar, then you actually owe us $1200 for some ads you ran last spring. It's true, ask your bosses. And while you're at it, do something about the service in your goddamn bar. The place really sucks. As for our "gnat-like" attention span, because of which we "didn't realize it was only the opening rounds," we suggest you go back and read the article. We wrote: "...the game's organizares have done nothing to ensure a victor in the early rounds."

Also, Al, and we hate to bring this up, but American pro sports teams are actually the only ones in the world that don't wear the names of their sponsors on their jerseys, the way European football teams do. Logos on our sneakers is about as far as we've gone so far. Also, we do allow Japanese like Hidecki Irabu to play in the World Series. The only reason we don't play against whole Japanese teams is that it wouldn't be a contest. The Japanese themselves admit it; go ask them. They even have an expression which describes their feeling of inferiority before American baseball players. It goes like this: Deep Shame is Ours. Memorize that, Al. Now, that thing with the Canadians-the "Canadian" team which won it all, the Toronto Blue Jays, it...well, Al, it didn't contain a single Canadian. That's right: they were all Americans. Every last one of them. And most of them were big black guys.

Incidentally, you're English, right? It seems to us that means you ought to pipe down and take your licks, just in case you ever need our help again-like you did in double-ya double-ya two. Yeah, that's right, we know what you're thinking-you didn't really need our help back then. We just came in in the end, fucked all your girls, waited until about the Battle of the Bulge to get involved, fought a tired army for about six months, then took all the credit when it was over. Unfair? Sure. But that's what we do-take credit for everything. Because we can. Because we're winners.

Anyway, don't forget to pay us that money. You've got our number.

OOYAY UCKSAY, ORKDAE

Hey Guys,
It's so great to be able to log on from Miami Beach and read the eXile on the Web!

Death Porn is somehow even more adorable 8,000 miles from Moscow.

Who does the Moscow Times think it is, charging internet users for access to their sucky stories on IMF loans?

By the way, there's now a Night Flight here in South Beach. Same as the one in Moscow. If you want, I can go and see how the "drinks" are - if you know what I mean.

Keep gettin' jiggy wit' it.

Effjay Einthay
Miami Beach, FL

Dear Jeff,
You sound like a weird pervert. Please leave us alone.

I USE PUNCTUATION!!!

To Whomever gives a Rats Ass:
Being that I am originally from New York, I have really admired your paper since I have landed in Moscow all those months ago. I am amazed at your ability to just totally fuck with people, and they enjoy it!!!! They ask for more!!! They ask for fucking T-shirts after being verbally assaulted and let the whole world know what kind of dumb asses they really are. Great, keep up the good work.

Oh, I've said that I am from NY, where I am from people like you, although funny, would get their heads split open like the first melon of the season on a regular basis. So, again, I applaud your ability to say what you want and live to talk about it.
P.S. I could give a shit about your T-shirt.
Signed,
Hirstute Observation

Dear Hirstute,
Thanks, although we wish to hell we knew what the point of your letter is. Surely you can't score too many tough guy points in New York by writing e-mails to indy newspapers in Russia, bragging about how tough your city is, while at the same time going on about what a big fan you are. And if you don't want a t-shirt, that's fine. We'll just consider this little chapter of our lives closed. Was it good for you? Because frankly, we're feeling a little empty.

THAT'S HOW

Dear exile,
Thanks for sending our company 4 old exiles. How did you find out I was painting my appartment?

Heinz

Dear Heinz,
Because we were fucking your girlfriend in there. To pick up your t-shirt, call 261-71-46.

FUCKEYED

(Eds. Note: the following is the continuation of a correspondence begun on the Johnson's Russia List, in which the writer below criticized Eduard Limonov for using profanity in the last issue of the eXile)

Dear [sic], I read your comments to my letter of June 16 with great interest, but I would like to point out that my note was addressed not to you, but to the editor of Johnson's Russia List. I sent the letter as reader feedback for David Johnson and it never occurred to me that he would publish it.

Guess that shows my lack of foresight Your interest in the letter, however, is understandable because I criticized an article that originally appeared in your publication. I hope I didn't offend you-that was certainly not my intention. You, obviously, have the right to publish whichever "authentic voices" you see fit. By the way, since you see profanity not as a detriment to good journalism but rather as a benefit, why not incorporate real Russian obscenities, i.e., mother curses, in your publication? Maybe this would help you achieve the bold, unpretentious style you admire.

My aesthetic tastes differ from yours, however, and so I criticized the Edward Limonov article. My conviction is that profanity is inappropriate in public discourse. To you this may seem quaint, even retrograde, but I think that such language is crude and offensive (though it hardly makes me "queasy"- I confess that I, too, was infatuated with profanity briefly as a teenager). Hence my suggestion to Mr. Johnson that all submissions to the JRL be required to meet at least minimal levels of civility.

Finally, for the record, in my June 16 letter I did not, as you stated, request that Mr. Limonov be banned from Johnson's Russia List. In fact I never mentioned Mr. Limonov's name-I criticized not him, but his article. Nor did I call for a silencing of the "radical opposition" as you implied. J.S. Mill had it right when he touted the benefits of dissent in a free society. My argument was only that it is desirable that such dissent be expressed in a civil manner-and through the filter of an editor, when necessary.
Sincerely,
Bill Wolf
Center for Slavic and East European Studies
Ohio State University

Dear "Bill Wolf",
Are you for real? It's tempting to think that you are. An academic from Ohio State University writing to Moscow to tell Eduard Limonov not to use profanity when complaining about American occupation of his country...No, even we couldn't make that up. Ohio State? If you were going to help us coach our wide receivers, that would be one thing, but you're talking about profanity. No, it's too silly. We're just going to have to operate under the assumption that you're kidding, and give you our standard "anti-profanity" response: fuck you, you dirty, stinking fag. You knew we were going to say that and now we have. Are you happy?