eXile Uber Alles!

On July 16th, an article appeared in Germany's largest daily newspaper, Frankfurter Allgemaine Zeitung. The article was entitled, "Yankees im Wilden Osten. 'The eXile': In Moskau erscheint eine provokative amerikanische Zeitschrift." Our translator, a certain Wilhelm Klink, said that that means, "Dumkopf! I vill have you shot, unt zen sent to ze Russian front!" Which pretty much sums up the eXile experience. FAZ readers contacted us in droves to give us their two pfennings. Below is a sample of the thousands of letters we received from the land of Werther and "99" Lena "Balloons". Our task is to answer three German letters without ever once mentioning you-know-who by name. Read on, and see if we can hold out!

The Editor,
yesterday's FAZ (Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung, i.e.) featured an interest-arousing and generally positive report on your paper, which I just took a brief Internet-look on. I'll certainly come back to it. How about some serious investigations into the personal backgrounds of the new, immense IMF etc. credit-billions of US $ of yesterday to RU? Is there any chance at all to trace these millions from the moment they are tranferred to RU banks? To find a part of them, at least? Who will profit by this repeated efforts of filling black-holes? The RU-people? Europe/US/Japan? Sisyphos?

Sincerely
Hain Rebas, Kiel, Germany

Dear Hain,
Actually YOU will profit, funny enough. Did you notice how the German mark soared in value the day that IMF loan was approved? Just in time for the August vacation season, too, when Germany clears out to invade the world's beaches! You see, Hain, all that IMF money is going to pay back the $30 billion that your country's reckless banks loaned to Gorby and Borya. What's left goes into the pockets of the people in the Russian government who make sure that most of the IMF money goes back to German (and Western) bankers. And as usual, not a red cent makes it to the Russian taxpayersÑwho will have to foot the bill when the loans come due. So pop open a bottle of Sparkling Riesling and celebrate, Hain! Your vacation has just become 3.8% cheaper!

To the editorial staff of eXile
I have read some issues of the "exile" on the web to get further objective proffs to an imputation published in German Newspaper, FAZ, where they consider your author Edvard Limonov to be a fascist. Sorry. After lecter, having reflected all historical pecularities of fascist characters, I found out that I must be the pope of Rome. God bless you, especially Mr. Limonov for his helpful advices in issue Nr. 30 "How to stay fit at 55". So I have to close now and I wish you money, wine and holydays (nice girls included)

yours Pope Rene

Dear Rene,
Er... what's a German doing reflecting on "all historical pecularities of fascist characters"? And why mention lecter, when you could just mention... you know, what's-his-name. Anyway, we would never doubt your credentials as a fascist-detector.

Very, very good sites!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sincerely
Fritz/Hamburg

Dear Fritz,
Very, very silly names!!!!!!!!!!! Almost as silly as "Adolf". Doh! Sorry folks. We thought we could hold out, but we just didn't have what it took. We hope we haven't alienated our new Aryan friends. Go Deutscheland!

St. Petersburg: The Helsinki of the North

Dear eXile,
I just wanted to thank you for recently making copies of The Exile available at Post International in St. Petersburg. I always enjoy your publication when I stop by the capital, and even considered inquiring about a subscription. Moscow, as you wise ex-pats who have settled there well know, is the indisputable center of the civilized world, to which other Russian cities can only aspire. Okay, St. Petersburg has more culture, better museums, more eye-pleasing architecture, and isn't quite as infested with foreigners, but that stuff's for the tourists, man. Sure, it's pleasant when you first arrive here, but if you stay for any extended length of time you quickly come to realize that it's actually rather boring. I mean, St. P nightlife downright sucks. There's the Metro Club, Money Honey and the newly-opened Port Club, but Candyman and Planetarium have closed, and there's absolutely nothing around here that can even dream of comparing to, say, The Hungry Duck. I'll be going on a business trip to Moscow soon, and that's one of my first stops. If a guy can't get laid there, he might as well just pack it in. If you're a native English speaker and want to relax by reading something entertaining for which you don't need a dictionary, your choices in the Venice of the North are catastrophically few. We have no ridiculously over-priced foreign language book stores to turn to, no Moscow Tribune and, until not long ago, no Exile. All we got is The St. Petersburg Times, a joke of a paper that under better circumstances I'd be wary even to wipe my ass with. So I thank you for giving me a substitute.

Sincerely Yours,
Keoki Young

Dear Keoki,
Shucks. We'd like to abuse you, but... you just touched a soft spot. It's called, "Our Egos." Come by and pick up your crispy new Death Porn T-shirt when you're in town. Readers, that's all it takes. T-shirts for compliments. And Keoki, don't let anyone tell you that your name sounds like a bad Korean pop band. 'Cuz it doesn't. Now get outta here, will ya?!