Issue #30/55, December 29, 1998 - January 14, 1999  

ONE SCARY GUY

Mark,
So you like the death and mayhem in Russia? You may be getting too close to the fire and the burns are a bitch. Channy Boy had better watch his act, don't let him be an example. There are some that might be getting fed up.

Anonymous

Dear Anon,
Johnny Chen replies: "Kiss my bald yellow ass. And learn to spell my name, dickhead."

TEMP-ORARILY [SIC]

Matt and Mark,
It is difficult to write about my current subject without coming across like a suck ass spud. However, best to keep things on the level and come to think of it, I've never had a problem degrading myself...I want a job. [...] I picked up a copy of the eXile, I believe the Gorbachov Jets deal was my deflowering... I'll skip over me jerkin' it to your work [...]

So two years later, I'm out of college and lacking much in the way of direction. I'm living in NYC, playing in a band called, for this week at least, the Kenny Butler Experience, a tribute to a prepubescent kid in our highschool class who is in all likelyhood making six figures and fucking girls who I can't even dream about while laughing vindictively at those of us who tormented him. Temping is my other hobby [...]

And then like so many others, although they might have passed over it or blankely said 'what?' I read the piece in Rolling Stone. I figured I would find you on the net and write. I could go on -- but I won't. If you have no interest in or time to respond, such is the life of big stars, but regardless, keep doing whatever it is you do on some level at least and take care. I am originally from Fort Wayne and currently, without Matt, the Fury are languishing at the bottom of the american conference. Oh yeah, it's the CBA not the ABA.

Thanks for taking the time,
Colm Francis Gallagher

Dear Colm,
Actually, it IS the "ABA," and not the "CBA." We don't recognize Canadian sports in our newspaper. As for your job request with us, the proper acronym is N/A. We don't have time for you.

MONSTERS ON WHEELS

Dear eXile editor,
I'd like to suggest that you create a link to Clutch Masters (http://www.clutchmasters.com) on th eXile links page. We are a clutch manufacturer based in Missoula, Montana. We build clutches for most vehicle, including John Deer tractors, but high performance items, like souped up Hondas with purple lights underneath them, are our cash cows. As far as I know we have never sold a clutch anywhere near Moscow, but we did have a Russian immigrant working in our factory for a few weeks last year. And we used to make re-manufacture clutches for Russian tanks when the US Army used to do "war" games up in northern Montana.

Thanks for your time and consideration.

By the way, we here at Clutch Masters love the eXile.

Sincerely,
Mike
webmaster@clutchmasters.com

Dear Mike,
If there's one thing we love here at the eXile, it's clutches. Moreover, it's our dream to have a fleet of souped-up beanie-mobiles with flashing purple lights underneath--chicks dig that kind of stuff. As for the Russian immigrant, we hope you never paid him, and that you fired him after those "few weeks." Go Clutch Masters!

DEEP INTERN

Dear Exile,
You guys are just moronically amazing! Who would have had such an idea of having such a fun newspaper ( only works in Russia though). I am immensly proud that you are able to pool it off and not get killed. I read about you in the " Stones". You have become my favorite bookmark of the day. Soon you can start you own fanclub. By the way, if I am ever in Moskow, would you take an intern? How long are you planning on staying with the newspaper? Say hi to Limonov, I think his book is the bomb. I read it in Russian.

From Good Old Land of Freedom,
Kat

Dear Kat,
We are licking you veery mush two. We wood lick to meat yoo and take you intern. Send us yoor fotograf, making shure it is noo fotograf, nekkid fotograf, legs spredink veery wide, with dated newspaper in fotograf, and you may beecum exile intern.

VAIL UNVAILED?

So Kevin,
I noticed my organization in your letter columns. My volunteers were shocked that you had nice things to say. Ususally when someone is mentioned in your paper, it is not always good press... if you know what I mean...

So anyway, does my letter qualify for a free tshirt or what???

Julie MacDonald
Center for Humanitarian Aid

Dear Julie,
Do you mean to say that you're this enigmatic "Jim Vail" character [see eXile #53]? If so, did you formerly work for "The Moscow Times" and Burson-Marstellar? Are you an asshole? Should we be mean to you? Even if you still insist on refraining from providing answers to our simply worded queries, we'll go ahead and answer yours: as Neville Churchill so eloquently said to the Reichstag after the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor, "There are no more free lunches and there are no more free t-shirts" [emphasis added]. Unless, of course, you're a whole lot more shameless in your praise of the eXile. Are we clear?

ANOTHER WEB DWEEB

My Dear Little Komradudeski,
You have been so f'in hard core bad you must be punished even harder for Xmas! You understand karma, right komra? I lova hard guys, easier to work on. You feeling sicko for Xmas from cheap Chernob Vodku? Or are you that way all the time? No matter, I fix you new! Don't get me wrong, my little paperboy, I lova you with all my hot lava lips :) We trade stories of hardness, Hollowoodies & hate someday, no? While I strap you down and strap one on, yes? So, in the spirit of Xmas, and after doing that bim-cgi-bin/skaya Tanya, (I know you did her, I have friends just like your mindchessset...) you must check yourself into my free clinic to get antibiotic shot, no? and take your medicine like a good papa'erandboy. If you're nice & filthy, I'll show you a really good last time You will link to me, no? I would lova to do special health section for paper...:) Or I'll gag you with my white sable till you do...

Doc Svete

ps I linked to you're cute ass at bottom of couple pages so far. If you treat me right I do more mindfuck for you, yes? What I really wanted my little passionpunkski and can't find anywhere are before & after "shots" of Galina, What? You don't have??? :( Get me some!!!

Dear Dr. Svete,
Your "edgy" abbreviations and ridiculous little electronic smiley faces are lost on us. And no, we're not gonna link to your puny little website. See the clutchmasters.com letter above for a demonstration of how the groveling, please-link-to-my-lame-ass-site-type letter is to be done. And next time, remember--if you're going to ignore our advice and continue to smoke marijuana, at least try to drink enough of the rancid bongwater to give yourself terminal throat cancer.