Issue #28/53, December 3 - 16, 1998  

MULTI LEVEL IDIOCY

Hello eXile!
I got your name from Dimiti Vorobiev. I'm working with a new MLM (Multi level marketing) company. It's a new business here in Scandinavia and is soon starts up in Russia and the Baltic contries. No selling just refer good natural products to others and get bonus. http://www.lifeplus.com .Pin code 583376. I want to advertise in your newspapers and what would it cost me?

Thanks for now.
Johan Kopsun

Dear Mr. K*ps*n,
Normally, it would cost $125 per square, but since you have such a lesbian-sounding name, we have a special Scandinavian Taco-Slappin' Price of $1,795 per square. It's just our way of saying, Don't bother us again unless you have something decent to offer as our other clients do: diseased slavegirls, cheap liquor deals, and the odd delicious restaurant. We don't want your stinkin business and your herring-scented health products. Our customers are reputable people, not fly-by-night Amway freaks. When you smarten up and open a Night Flight like your right-thinking Swedish brothers, then we'll talk advertising.

TAKE REVENGE ON THE NERDS

Recently, the eXile handed out its first giveaway t-shirt since the crisis hit. The t-shirt went to a certain Borisovich, whose emails posted onto the expat nerd list were so juvenile and crude that he was physically barred from ever posting on the list again. Now that's a man who's earned his T-shirt, eh folks? Below is a sample of the choice wit offered up by Moscow's budding bard.

> From: borisovich@iname.com
> Sent: Wednesday, November 18, 1998 11:14 AM
> To: expat@irex.ru
> Subject: ExpatellaWanted!2
> Expatellki, put away your dildos and stuff and get down to write me that your future is not your hand but maybe my lips. Make subject capitalized otherwise I won't be able to read it.
Russian Butthead.
> Date: Fri, 20 Nov 1998 07:03:49 -0500 (EST)
> From: borisovich@iname.com
> Subject: Apology
> FUCK YOU FORIENGERS AND ALL YOUR RELATIVES INCLUDING YOUR STINKING GRANDMOTHERS. UP YOURS!!!! How's that for an apology. If you do not apologize for such a rude treatment of me, this e-mail is going to be widely advertized among people who you would not like to join you fucking company.
> Vasia.

Dear Borisovich,
You're a martyr, a kamikaze, and you have been rewarded by the eXile elders for your bold, brilliant, clever actions. We have to admit, you seemed a lot nicer and shier in person, which means that you're probably a closet Chikatilo. While we like that, we'll have to beat you into pizza sauce if you dare come near our offices again. Congratulations!

Two-LIO-FACED Pizza Maniac

On the same nerd list, a brief flare-up of border violence between our own Krazy Kevin and Cornholio's pizza boy Kato erupted. Below are the frightening faces of the man whom many eXholes entrust with their lives. See the disturbing personality shift right before your eyes!

#1
Hey dick head! If you can't seem to understand my remarks, then bug off! Go hide underneath your shell. You are one of the dreadful expat list subscribers. Always fuck'n unkind! If you have any philosophical rhymes, write them in your defunct exile crap. Go ahead, make my day. I care shit about your views and crap. Stop barking up the wrong tree.

Regards,
Kato

#2
I actually like your response... does that sound strange?

I never understood why the exile went against Tulios in the first place! Before you came into the picture (I Presume) with exile, I don't know why the staff had such a bad reaction with Tulios. I really care less. I know my quality of food, and know the competitors, and know the clients. There will always be a Mc'Ds, Burger King and Wendy's, to even the White Castles. If yoiu fancy Johnys or Jacks, "pozalusta!" and as far as you comment goes on having pizza from Tulios the next day, ahh, forget it. its worthless to even reply. I appreciate the devils advocate.
Kato

Dear Kato,
As far as we could tell, your pizza only mattered here during Jack's comparison special, when eXholes would buy your shoe-insole-flavored pizza, then leave the box out and use it to score a free pizza at Jack's. Let's call a spade a spade, Kato. It's time to throw in the oven mitt for good. We've got a fresh Starvin' Ivan waiting to occupy your place in the guide, and he's getting antsy. Your inability to face reality is resulting in bizarre personality disorders that will only worsen.

THE INVISIBLE HIPPIE

You realized that the best way to get my goat was not to respond at all.
You Fuck.
Peter Mahoney

GEEK HATE

Editor,
I've been reviewing the latest submissions for linking from the Internet Movie Database. Twice you've submitted reviews by "Krazy Kevin" where there was no review. On City of Angels, he merely mentions wondering why they'd re-make Wings of Desire and on House of Yes, he goes so far as to admit he hasn't seen the film.

Yet you submitted these pages as reviews. I don't know why you figured these blurbs counted as reviews seeing as HE DIDN'T REVIEW THESE MOVIES ON THOSE PAGES!

I get no joy from approving Kevin's reviews as it is. He is a jerk of the first order, but even if I disagree with him, I respect his right to voice his opinion. But if I'm going to have to spend extra time checking each and every one because you just submit any page where he mentions the name of a movie as a review, I will put you on the ban list, meaning that no pages from www.exile.ru will be linked from the Internet Movie Database from that point on.

I have to check out HUNDREDS of sites every week and if you're going to exercise such poor judgement, thus making this job even more time consuming than it already is, it will not bother me in the least to have all your submissions automatically discarded.

Are we clear?
- Greg

Ooo, whoah-daddy! Just the way you laid that last threatening "are we clear," like we're back on the playground and you're all tough and stuff, it's like, really scary, Greg. Anyway, we're clear, that's for sure. What's clear as day is that you're a moron. A moron with an internet job--the worst kind of moron extant. You're the cyber version of Jean MacKenzie, only she's got balls of titanium compared to your sorry, squirmy ass. Go ahead, tough guy. Ban us. We need some new targets, and a half-bright, hall counselor like yourself would do a lot in boosting morale around here.

BYE-BYE BURNOUT

Mark,
It was good to speak to you again in FANZA on Saturday night although you seemed a little "the worse for wear". Please keep up the good work with EXILE. Its content may not always completely survive judgement against the criteria of "the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth" but nevertheless there is always a grain of truth in everything written - even the Chenst..... well, on second thoughts, maybe not!! Seriously, keep it coming, Mark. Even with all its bright new lights Moscow would be a darker place without you and yours.

Best regards to you and your staff,
Joe.

Dear Joe,
The reason why Ames looked so bad and kept falling asleep at the restaurant table was that he had sex for the first time in eleven months. He says he doesn't remember a whole lot, and called the experience "awful" and "worse than smoking" and vowed to go celibate for another thirty months. After three-minutes of the old in-'n-out, his heart nearly backfired, leaving him feeling a little under the wind. You understand, Joe. Luckily, he's recovered, after a stay at the Gorky-9 hospital, where he sat around reading documents necessary for the publication of this issue and staying on top of matters.

LIFTING THE VAIL ON AID, VAIL

[letter published on the Johnson List]

Mark Ames great feature story in the latest issue of the Exile sums up the food aid the US government is shipping to Russia once again. He hits it on the nail as to what this whole aid thing is really about. I was absolutely outraged after I read in one of several press reports questioning the food aid which quoted a US government official stating that the aid will obviously help American farmers. Will it help the Russians? His answer was so vague I don't remember it.

The US government has guaranteed the food aid sham will continue by having one or two officials oversee distribution in a country considered one of the most corrupt in the world. Let me put the last 'humanitarian aid' sent to Russia a few years ago in perspective: I help run an organization called the Center for Humanitarian Aid in which we purchase food from the market and then cook it and serve it to the needy. My manager of operations Namrud Nagash told me he saw in the basement of the Church where we serve the food several food containers marked USDA Aid shipments. Who collected these huge containers? Who else but a group of 'former' bandits, one who just got out of prison and was overseeing the reconstruction of the Church. That, my fellows, sheds some light onto who is really benefiting from our 'good intentions.'

Jim Vail
Center for Humanitarian Aid

Dear Jim,
If we're not mistaken, then you must have met one Mr. S.B. Karki, director of the Fanza restaurant, who delivered $200 of food aid to you as part of the eXile's campaign of bringing people together. But we're stumped on something-didn't you once work for the Moscow Times and Burson-Marstellar? Aren't you an asshole? Shouldn't we be mean to you? Please call us and let us know.

ONE GOOD APPLE

Dear Mr. Ames,
thank You so much for this text. There still are some decent people in the post-industrial West!

Yours sincerely,
Andrei Vl. Andrianov, a Russian.

Dear Mr. Russian,
If there's one thing Mr. Ames is, it's that he's decent people. Just watching him behave at the Hungry Duck as a model citizen helping out drunken teenaged prole-girls who can't stand up is enough to rekindle one's faith in humanity. And thanks for letting us know you were a Russian. Most of our staff was convinced that you were Danish, and if there's one people we just can't stand, it's Danes.