Issue #03/58, February 10 - 24, 1999  

PLEASE MOLEST ME

Dear eXile,
I'm a real fan of your paper, guys. It's A1 paper in Moscow. Reading it all the time and it's never enough for me. Would you, fellas, give me some advice on my personal life activities, as you seem to be pretty experienced at that. I have a boyfriend. Handsome, rich, but real blockhead. However, my Mother says he is ugly, poor, but pretty intellectual. Should I listen to her, should I follow my own feelings or should I start looking for another sucker?

Waiting for your advice guys ASAP, time is a factor for me, buddies. Also, your T-shirt would be most welcome.

Regards,
Tatyana, 17 years of age
[telephone number listed on fax with request "not to advertise in paper"]

Dear Tatyana, 17 years of age,
We'd subject you to some of our trademark sexual abuse, but frankly, you're too old for us. So we'll give you some standard, mainstream advice: go out there, fish the seas, and see what comes up! We've offered a little free help by printing your phone number in our classifieds page. Expect to hear from some of the saddest, ugliest, over-the-hill-iest losers--that is, our target readership--that you've ever come across in your life.

CHENKS FOR THE MEMORY

Dear [sic],
Sometimes there's a man - and I'm talking about the Chenster here- sometimes there's a man...well, he's the man for his time and place. He fits right in there. And that's the Chenster. In Moscow. In the late 90s. It's good knowing the Chenster's out there, sharking all those dyevs on behalf of the rest of us.

Chenster for Queen of England!

Yours etc.,
Skinny Welsh Git

Dear Mr. Git,
The Chenster abides.

MY OPINION COUNTS

Ames and Taibbi --
i go to columbia, in new york. mark, i think your assesment of america in the article about your trip to new york and experience with Maria was right on. also, your dedication to the rock-and-roll lifestyle is highly impressive (or at least your implicitly professed dedication to it, and adherence to the tenets thereof). is this why you were mentioned in rolling stone? keep up the good work.

Nick Konick

Dear Konick,
Why did you have to mention that you go to lower-case columbia? And why the added redundant reference to lower-case columbia's obvious location? Do you assume that we're idiots? You darned Ivy Leaguers are all the same! Anyway, the reason why we were mentioned in Rolling Stone is because we're really, really cool. Any other questions?

NIGGAZ WITHOUT NEWSPAPER

Dear Exile
One cute stuff in your paper is(used to be) the "Guest Editorial". Where, for fuck's sake, are those two assholes?

Nelson.

Dear Nelson,
They're shining our shoes. Any other questions?

I NIGHTMARE OF JEANIE

Guys, maybe enough is enough? After reading your paper for a couple years I developed a strong aversion to Jean Mc.whatever her name is literary talent and I can't force myself to read her articles in the Independent Moscow. The only people to blame are you--the Exile staff. I am asking you to publicly announce that her work in Tuesday's Independent is a masterpiece. Otherwise I won't be able to read her any longer.

Joe.

Dear Joe,
Her work in last Tuesday's issue--in which she mercilessly flogged two of this century's most overworn middlebrow metaphors: Munch's "Scream" and "Kafkaesque"--is a masterpiece of Cliff Notes liberal arts idiocy. You can continue reading her now. Especially since she got dumped by the Boston Globe for writing fluff pieces on banks that dish her American baksy.

HOW DO I LOVE THEE?...

howdy,
you guys fucking rock.

Patrick

Dear Patrick,
Actually, we were hoping you'd describe us as "stomach-twirling", but we'll take the dirthead compliments as they come.

FREEDOM OF [SIC]

Dear eXile,
The other day we received the following news story about Albright's concern over anti-semitism in Russia. We note she makes mention of US plans to "allocate $63 million this year to help promote democracy in Russia"!! Well, is it time to write proposals up, or what. Do THEY know about the two (or more) Americans who've been working their butts off in Moscow for the last *** years on a newspaper that embodies the principle of free speech?? Exile's existence in Russia is testimony to the fact that free speech is alive and kicking and, even better, it has a distinctly American flavour. THEY must know that Exile is fundamental to the developing democracy in Russia. It needs careful nurturing, in its earliest stages, and THEY must know that Americans are the best proponents of democracy, free speech, human rights, blah blah.... You're on the ground in Russia, been there for quite some years, and fighting the hard fight. How can they deny it? How can they deny you funding?

PS -- When your grant comes through, don't forget to send something to help Jim Goad, who seriously might like to come and live in Russia if he ever gets free of his entanglement with the authorities, those great 'defenders' of free speech and democracy...

David

Dear David,
We agree wholeheartedly and looked into how to secure that grant, but when we learned that we'd have to provide "special favors" to Miss Albright, we thought that, in the words of our Russian poll respondents, "No fucking way... no money would be worth that." We'll have to help Jim Goad get out of jail and into Russia some other way.

LEARNING TO SPELL

Mark Ames,
Your description/analysis/whatever of America is the most piercing right-on-the-money one I've ever seen in any media anywhere anytime. S-C-A-R-Y is the word. Fuck The Economist and it's kind, eXile rules! By the way, have you seen Todd Solondz' film "Happyness"? If not go see it. Seems to me he's pretty much thinking what you're thinking. I hate to join the chorus of crybabies, but you should consider updating your webpage more often, if possible. Sorry I brought it up, couldn't be helped.

The best, H

PS: Who's the whiney bitch Penina-somthing-or-other on your latest web-frontpage? Seems to me she should concentrate on her neurosis and leave you guys the fuck alone.

Dear H,
Ever heard of RIF? We'd like to think that our fans can at least spell vital words like "happiness", but maybe that's just asking a little too much.