Issue #27/52, November 19 - December 2, 1998  

--Is that the eXile you're reading?

--I don't know. It looks like it, it just doesn't sound like it.

--How's that?

--The zing thing is not there.

--Does it have anything to do with Taibbi being black and hooked on crack?

--No! There's a logical explanation for that.

--Which?

--It's a personality conflict, like a paronymous. It happens when you associate with the wrong kind of people.

--What the hell are you talking about?

--His romance with the Sub-tropical party. It's warming his blood. You remove the sub and in three months he'll turn real black and ebony blue.

--What about you and me?

--What about us? Look what happened since we started guest-writing for eXile. I don't know how to tell my mum that her innocent, tax-paying, churchgoing, Sunday school choir boy son is metamophosing into a giant asshole.

--The effect of evil association.

--It says here that Taibbi is taking his shit to DC.

--That's why his readers are singing and crying.

--Are they?

--Yeah. Happy to see him go but calling relatives in DC to get out of town.

--Well it says right here in the eXile that he sold out, and he's going straight.

--Right. With his left foot straight up their bony asses.

--Maybe he needed a change of environment.

--You think so?

--Da. His editorial sounded like a Negro spiritual, just one step from the gas chamber.

--And the way Makashov is going about things, it might not be safe for him to get any darker in Russia.

--What's with this Makashov guy anyway?

--He's a patriotic Russian.

--And how do you spell that here?

--Nationalism plus racism.

--I don't think he's a racist, he just wants Jews out of the way.

--Yeah, like that little haleric fella with the funny moustache? Besides, if they get out of the way the Duma will look like Chernobyl II.

--You know what? I don't understand this rascist and nationalist stuff. If you go through this country with a tooth brush you won't be able to find a drop of pure Russian blood. And I'm not even talking about the "Lumumba Roses" of the 60s and 70s.

--What the hell are the Lumumba Roses?

--The Roses are the result of African activities in Lumumba, and those were the years Africa added real color to the Russian population. Although they comprise a small percentage, they still stick out like a sore finger against all this nationalist bullshit. So you see, it's difficult to find anybody real anywhere.

--Yeah, I was wondering what happened to those tall, blond, wide-shouldered, good-looking guys, and the full breasted, wide- hipped, full-bodied Russian girls we read about in the books of old.

--They got run over by the Tartar blood.

--Oh, I understand. Is Albert a Russian name?

--Definitely not. What does Primakov mean?

--A guy that lives with his in-laws.

--Are they Russians, his in-laws?

--You can ask him that. Look, it says here that the eXile is hiring, and all their staff are asking to be fired. Do you think we should apply?

--No, they're looking for girls with breasts like Alaska. Anyway, nobody is getting hired these days. Not even the guys that ride in jeeps and shoot, like in safaris. Wait a minute. Are you sure we're reading the same eXile?

--Sure? It reminds me of a car sticker I saw once. It said, "My editor is a clown, his newspaper is a circus, his job is funny, and his wages a joke."

--Boy, what I read was different.

--Keep it to yourself. Did you attend the eXile party?

--No, I missed it.

--You did?

--Yeah. I was in bed all evening enjoying how my absence was ruining the gig when I woke up and realized I'd been dreaming.

--Too bad for you, I heard it was a bang!

--That's just the problem. Everything about this medium of misinformation is a bang. Ask me why.

--Why?

--Because everybody thinks it's a giant asshole.

--Like you're getting to be.

--Right, sticking right out of the middle of Moscow.

--Firing hot shit left and right.

--Mmhh. Like Katusha.

--And wearing a bold sign on the hairy side that reads "GIVE A KISS OR TAKE A HIT."

--Some articles here sound like they are kissing asses, though.

--No, it's just Mark showing his politician side.

--I think he's going into politics in Russia.

--Yeees. Somebody once said that it's usually better to lie in a foreign language.

--Or to put the lie as close to the truth as possible.

--That way you can claim no one understood what you were trying to say.

--Or you can cross over to the other side when you get caught.

--If Taibbi takes all this shit to DC, what do you think is going to happen?

--They'll probably move the capital to Queens. I heard the place is full of shit, he won't shock anyone there.