Issue #30/55, December 29, 1998 - January 14, 1999  

by Andrey Smiryagin

Recently I had a chance to get off my sofa to see what's going on elsewhere in the world. Only then did I understand how lucky I am to be lounging about on a sofa here in Russian rather than in the over-hyped USA. People warned me ahead of time not to expect much from the women over there, but I never could have imagined just how abysmal the situation truly is. And what about all those commercials and films where every last toilet cleaner looks like Cindy Crawford?

Whenever God sees fit to reward a nation in some way, he always seems to find a way of punishing them somehow. America's punishment in return for world dominance is to have become the home of the most asexual women on the planet. You get the impression that American women are totally indifferent to the way members of the opposite sex react to their legs, asses, and faces. It takes a peculiarly exceptional kind of talent to dress as hideously as they do. It's really no wonder the feminist movement is so developed in the States. What else is there for a woman whom nobody would touch with their worst enemy's prick than to champion the cause of celibacy? And despite Americans' insistence on eating only food that is low and fat and their insane obsession with jogging, our mayonnaise and gristle-fed Russian women look like prisoners of Dachau by comparison.

I also observed a remarkable rule that is followed almost without exception: if an American girl has an attractive face, the rest of her will resemble Jabba the Hut; if her body is nice, she'll have the kind of face not even a mother could love.

You can't help but feel pity for American men. What a bum deal when it comes to the ladies! I'm sure you can imagine the way they stared at the supple features of the miniskirted beauty holding on to my hand as I walked down the street in San Diego. Have you ever seen the eyes of hungry dog on a leash when an aromatic hunk of meat is being carried nearby? I have.

What, you're probably asking, don't American girls want to get married? They do, but not in order to find loving husbands to support them and their children. To an American woman, a husband Is for spitting on. Today, she can have an independent career, raise a family on her own, and still have a dozen lovers on the side. Against this background, marriage is just a leisure activity. Besides, she needs someone to show off to her friends at parties and to watch television with once they're over.

Under these conditions, the average American guy would be happy to stray, but his options are few and far between. If you're a boss and you allow your glance to linger for more than a second on your secretary's legs or chest (or, God forbid, if you should have the nerve to make a pass at her), then you'll surely be slapped with a sexual harassment suit for $10 million. Fortunately, the judges in America aren't quite wild animals yet, so the victim will be unlikely to get more than a million out of you.

Throw the AIDS wild card into the mix and you end up with some mighty fucked up relations between the sexes. Nowadays it's not uncommon for a man and woman, prior to initiating sexual contact, to conclude an agreement to the effect that the sexual act is being engaged in with the complete and mutual consent of both parties. The man hides his copy of the contract in a safe somewhere and only the does he dare slip on a condom and approach the woman. More than likely, she'll put a second condom on him and then pay close attention to her wristwatch to ensure that the act does not drag on for any longer than the amount of time agreed upon in the contract, say three minutes. Once the time limit has expired, regardless of the man's condition, she'll ask him to kindly remove himself and get dressed. After exchanging pleasantries and thank yous for an unforgettable experience, they part company and go about their business. It's no wonder American men with any sense now prefer to find their wives in Asia. The women there are passive, attractive, and sexually adventurous. As for dragging a husband into court for, say, inflicting minor bodily injuries, this is something they would never imagine even in their worst nightmares. I've heard, however, that after 10 years or so the nasty influence of Western feminism infiltrates their minds as well.

Russian women, meanwhile, are in an altogether different league. Upon arriving in Moscow, the well-fed jaws Americans drop to the ground in disbelief. After the United States, absolutely every Russian girl seems at least pretty, and every second one is impossibly beautiful. I won't even mention the infinite taste with which our women dress. My point is this: you could be way past 30 and already have squeezed out half a dozen pups--hell, you could even be missing an eye--and American men would still be on the verge of tearing your arms off with desire, to say nothing of your legs.

There are a few "but"s, however. First, be prepared to have absolutely nothing to talk about (language barrier or no) with your prospective husband over dinner or at night in bed. There is very simple principle that governs the pleasant, idyllic American way of life: all in the mouth, nothing in the head. Second, the concept of love has been completely replaced in American society with pragmatism. For example, once you have allowed a man to buy you dinner in a restaurant or accepted an expensive gift, you can't back out at the moment of truth, when he's all trembling with desire, with an excuse like, "What's the rush? Let's get to know each other better first." I hate to be the one to point fingers, but Russian women do seem to get a kick out of spoiling the mood in such a way. In America, my dear, everything is paid for!

I won't even go into such trifles as the fact that all Americans are circumcised for purposes of hygiene. One woman even offered me money to show her what an uncut prick looks like. Now I'm wondering if I shouldn't open up a unique import business in America offering demonstrations of this wonder of nature.

But the most important factor to consider is the following, confessed to me by a girl from Petersburg who married an American named Rodriguez from Cincinnati: "Everything in America is good, it's simply wonderful... but it's just so dull"--after which the girl in question burst into tears on the chest of a compatriot. Yes, after the bardak of Russia, America seems unbearably boring by comparison, just as Heaven is a hellishly boring place for sinners.

Andrey Smiryagin is the creator of "Interdama" (www.interdama.com), a website devoted to erotica, and Bardak v Cherdake (Chaos in the Attic), a collection of short stories available from Serial Publishing.

eXpatella Revisited