the eXile - The Virtual Voyeur

#21 | November 6-19, 1997

In This Issue

by Cy Borg

Gender Wars

Ahhhhh, the gender wars. We see and hear it every day, at work, at home, in our favourite bars. We're all guilty of it, we all feed into it, and secretly, we all laugh our asses off at both sides of the coin. The web is by no means free from the battle of the sexes, as a matter of fact, it's fertile breeding ground for anyone with a vengence and a bit of HTML skill. So this week, Cyborg is taking a non biased dive into the bottomless pit of men vs. women.

Of course the start of any interaction between men and women always requires a good "pick up line". For those who aren't quite sure just of their conversational abilities, head over to THE MOST COMPLETE AND MOST USELESS LIST OF PICK UP LINES.

This site, constructed by someone who obviously has years of experience in Man/Woman relating, is the ultimate in lines to get you slapped, laughed at, punched, or maybe even picked up. The title page gives an explanation on why to use a pickup line, and the possible results of using one. You can even send him one of your own, and he'll monitor the attempt and success rate of your lines. Thoughtfully divided into categories such as Beavis and Butthead(for the sheer literary genious of the wording), Cheese, Just Plain Lame, What?(as the responses to these will most likely be met with "what?"), and Left Field Approach for advanced users. Cyborg found the following to be especially amusing:

-Excuse me, I am about to go masturbate and needed a name to go with the face.
-What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this? -You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno.
-Hey babe, wanna make an easy fifty bucks? (sure to be a success in Moscow on a Friday night)
-So, you're a girl huh?

So that your pickup lines have worked, and you find yourself in heavenly bliss with the mate of your choice, one must be sure to continually update that database of how the opposite sex works. Consult 35 Facts about Women to find out why women never have anything to wear, or why they cry so much.

For those truly confusing and eternally frustrating questions about the oddities the men do, consult the FAQ ABOUT MEN.

This site answers all the burning questions such as Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public? Why do men have to act like such retards? Why do men always speak to my breasts? Why do most men hate fuzzy toilet seat covers? And the forever puzzling, What does it mean when men say "I Love You?" The site also includes a link menu, connecting you to TICKLE ME FABIO, complete with a towel clad Fabio that says "Bonjour" when you click on him. Also includes links to cool places like art museums and computer sites, neither of which has anything to do with Fabio, but will definitely keep you entertained. The best part is that you can tell your significant other that you were researching how to be the perfect mate and just stumbled upon the Museum of Bad Art.

Sometimes though, even after many years of dating experience, some still can't get it. For those truly ignorant to proper gender relating, Cyborg suggests that you head pronto to BRENDA'S DATING ADVICE FOR GEEKS.

Miss Brenda could contend with our very own Tipper for being the queen of gender relating. This site leaves no stone unturned when it comes to answers for both sexes. Here you can consult such pages as The Pathetic Series (read about Dates from Hell, High School Horror Stories, and Bachelor quotes and stories) ask The Chick Magnet, Evil Eddie, or Mr. Bad Advice about gender relating on the Advice from Boys page, check out the Weekly Feature, currently Top Ten Reasons To Reconsider Your Relationship, or Cyborg's favourite, Ernie and Bert's Gay Lifestyle Guide, which gives valuable advice and shares life stories on how Sesame Street's special couple survived years of ridicule and hatred.

When all else fails, what else can you do but bash him or her on the web. After all, if you've used the pickup lines and Brenda's advice, it's the net's fault for leading you to this point of misery. For you girls, Cyborg recommends several, HEARTLESS BITCHES INTERNATIONAL is a plethora of pages to wallow in grief. The title page features an axe chopping a heart and splattering blood when you point your mouse on it. HBI is currently recruiting and proclaims:

Heartless Bitches is now recruiting! Join up and be proud to use phrases like:

"Keep it in your pants, asshole"
"Oh why don't you just masturbate and get over it!?"
"No, you can't watch."

The application form asks questions such as,

-Do you find the likes of Michael Bolton and Kenny G. revolting?
-Are there days when you could cheerfully tell your husband/significant other, "Don't stand too close to the edge of that cliff, dear, I might be tempted to push you off."?
-Do you feel like you might as well "get hung for a sheep as a lamb", because no matter how POLITELY you try to turn down some guy's advances, you invariably get called a "Bitch"?

Rumour has it that Mistress Suki is already a card carrying member of HBI You can leave your own story of how you were dumped for an 18-year-old dyev, and receive lots of sympathy mail from the other members.

If HBI didn't give you enough to make you a stone cold bitch, pick up a few more pointers at ALL MEN MUST DIE, which includes how to communicate you've gotten your period and the ever popular ex boyfriend watch.

By far the best Girl Bashing Site is GIRLS, UGH!.

Done in a rich pink (?) background, the author of this site wants to set all mankind free from the clutches of evil women, and describes horrors unknown to real men. A word of warning to the girls, there is a link on the title page that says, "Are you a woman? Click here now!". Cyborg does NOT advise you tender young things to go there. It's more than your sweet little hearts could take, and I don't particularly want to be slapped with a lawsuit. Girls, Ugh! covers sensitive subjects such as Dumping Lines, the worst ever heard(you can leave your own as well), Valentines Day War Archives, and Join In My Special Hobby, No Girlfriend Required (Cyborg was relieved to find that it didn't require hand lotion either).

Honorable mention goes to W.A.S.-WOMEN ARE STUPID, where you can vent your frustrations and worst stupid women stories with other members of the stronger sex. Read other men's stories that will make your look like a minor blip on the relationship radar. Cyborg found #8 Stupid Bitch, and #10 Me 21, Girlfriend 28, Her Son 21('nuff said) particularly entertaining.

So, although Cyborg didn't find any men and women forever in harmony sites, he did find that gender relating in the cyberworld isn't too far off of the real one. And like the real world, will continue surfing to find something to warrant a cease fire in the gender wars. Then again, maybe he'll just stay home with http://www.realdoll.com, while his girlfriend is off consulting http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Academy/5393/.