How Do I Get Outta Russia Alive?

Dear eXiled... / December 16, 2008

By Yasha Levine

Today’s question comes from a reader named Artiom. Send in your own questions, concerns and worries to ask@exiledonline.com. Team eXiled is here to help.

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Dear eXiled,

I need to sneak out of Russia and travel to Belgium without getting caught. I am a citizen of both countries, but Russia wouldn’t let me out, they want me to serve in the army first.
So how the hell do I get out of here??

Sincerely yours,

Stuck in Russia

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Dear Stuck in Russia,

We ran your letter by Brecher and he thought you should try hiking out through Karelia. “Lots and lots of forested unpopulated border there. And if the army wants this guy, he’s young and fit. So tell him to take up hiking and buy a simple, reliable handheld GPS system. Then go hiking next summer and just make sure to hike a little further north and west than he’s officially planning to go. If he’s caught, throw away the GPS and plead you got lost. If not, you’re in Finland.”

In case that doesn’t work, the eXiled recommends you start learning the art of the blowjob and lifting some weights. After all, two years of service is not that long, especially when you get to be a full-blown ded (gramps) for half of that time. That’s when the muscles come into play.

—Team eXiled

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4 Comments

Add your own

1. m.e. | December 16th, 2008 at 1:05 am
Would not it be easier to take a train to Ukraine? I doubt they check the database for the whole train on this border. Of course, travel with your Belgian passport, so you may need to get visa to Ukraine.
2. nidzoux | December 16th, 2008 at 11:32 am
@1. actually, you don’t even need a visa for the ukraine.
3. Mar C | December 23rd, 2008 at 12:39 pm
“if the army wants this guy, he’s young and fit”
You think? Conscription is not about training real soldiers – they have the professional army for that – it is about free workforce. Instead of giving the guy real training, real equipment and a real mission they make him broom the baseyard for years in the name of “serving your country”. Since people usually have better things to do with their lives, most of them pay a doctor to declare them disabled in some way. This highly reduces the reserves in manpower so the draftboard ends up drafting whoever they can, including the not-so-young and fit. I “served” together with a guy with hartproblems, with another who was screaming in his sleap and with several with criminal records and I wouldn’t trust them with a letter opener, not to mention live ammunition. This was the situation in Hungary before they stoped the draft for obvious reasons, it would surprise me if it was different at any other ex-Warsaw Pact army.
p.s.: When I ask any American ex-soldier howmany shots he fired in basic training they all say they don’t know. I know howmany I (and everyone else) fired: 9 (3 in single fireing mode and 6 in lmao “burst”).
4. razom | January 7th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
I second going through Ukraine. BTW, you can hike there, too – border isn’t even fully delimited yet.
Also, there is a russian forum about French Foreign Legion – people discuss getting all the way to France without legally crossing a single border, and there are even actual success stories. Google “иностранный легион форум”, it’s the first link.