The eXile’s 100th Issue Party. Saturday, October 14th. 22:00. Lexx.

We’re sorry. We know it is long after the final sore stopped oozing pinkish fluid. Too much time has passed since the humiliating flashbacks of waking up next to a chick less fuckable than your mother with your dick covered in shit. That once overwhelming sense of shame over what your friends claim you did at the last eXile party has faded into an occasional pang. You haven’t felt the need to drink into oblivion just to ignore your best friend wendelling your girlfriend on a table since you came to the eXile’s third anniversary. You’ve even had time to confirm whether you caught AIDS from that fateful night in February. But don’t worry. If you have started to feel liberated from those or other lingering regrets, you can recharge your supply this Saturday at our 100th issue party. We’ve even managed to lower the bar, choosing chintzy strip bar Lexx as our venue. See strippers mingling with the crowd. See live performances, including Chechenz With Attitudes and the premier of Putin Image Limited. See a delegation from Phi Beta Kappa. Drink cheap booze. Win prizes doing things that could get you disowned. Prizes include a weekend getaway in Moscow, eXile pizzas and any consoling you need during digestion, legal advise from Moe Snideman, t-shirts featuring your favorite rappers, and much, much more. All contestants must be at least 14 to enter, as long as we think they look 16. Tix: R50.

The Grand Inquisitor. Friday, October 13th. Midnight. Club XIII.

After watching one too many Jason movies, Club XIII got it into their heads to throw a big party every time Friday the 13th rolls around. They used to have several devils dancing around in red jump suits and other assorted spooky stuff. But this tradition’s went on for a while and everyone is pretty sick of it. Hence the introduction this week of the Inquisition theme. Now, in addition to Satans, they are experimenting with an S & M theme. A bunch of studded chicks will run around in black leather and whips forcing men to lick their patent leather stilettos. In an apparently unrelated gesture, the management claims that a huge fire will rage in the center of the club. Hopefully, they didn’t simply bribe their way through fire inspection. Resident DJs Grad and Kolya will be spinning along side Brit KKlass, who XIII imported for the night. Party should be about as scary as Friday the 13th Part 9. Tix: $20 men, $10 women.

Opening Party. Friday, October 13th. 20:00. Katik.

Katik is a new club for actors, intelligentsia and other bohemian types to get wasted at. If you are looking for smart snapper and are loaded with tasteful pickup lines, check it out. Vent frustrations about popular misconceptions of Spinoza’s fourth theorem and you are sure to get laid. The club is located on Patriarch’s Pond in the premises of the old Club Bulgakov. The later was famed as an exclusive, semi private bar for video makers and other people who were much cooler than you. After the crisis, the clip makers ran out of money, and the club promptly folded. Expect problems at the door if you forgot your tortoise shell glasses. Only for the intellectually superior.

Marksshnaider Kunst. Thursday, October 26th. 16 Tons.

These guys are one of the only Reggae groups from Peter that are actually black. They hark from Senegal and, while attending Petersburg State, collectively developed a addiction to Russian snapper. So they formed a band. After one album they have yet to make it big, but that doesn’t prevent them from a diet of northern snapper. Their music is reggae on speed, sung in a Creole of Russian, French and English. Sorry, no Woloff. Only Russian Diaspora in Montreal really knows what they sing about, but from what we can tell there are a minimum of Jah references, considering the genre. To date, their big hit is Pravoz, meaning to smoke pot shotgun. Unfortunately, some things about reggae never change.

Detsky Panodol. Friday, October 13th. 23:30. “54” (formerly Chorny Lebed). Saturday, October 14th. 20:30. Krisis Zhanra.

The real unknown about this weekend’s Detsky Panodol shows is the emergence of “54” as a potential new venue. Until recently, this was Chorny Lebed, a shady entertainment complex and casino for Russians who earned their money killing people. Its new incarnation targets students and hipsters. Detsky Panodol, everybody’s favorite Beastie Boy knock off group, will be christening this hall on Friday. Veteran ex-holes should realize that Saturday’s show is a guaranteed fuck in a bathroom. Just go to the show, buy a drink for some teen groupie who only likes Detsky Panodol because they don’t charge a cover, bring her to the eXile party and enjoy the cheap thrill. Tix: free.

Modern Talking. Saturday, October 14th. 20:OO. The Kremlin.

We would like to be snide about this Nazi group that won’t go away, but if people are willing to shell out over $50 just for a chance to listen to them, they obviously understand something we don’t. They’ll be playing the Kremlin with their standard bastardized version of disco. Also, in a bid to update their image, they are bringing a black guy with them to bust some rhymes. Yes, Modern Talking now has a rapper in it’s employ, perhaps to keep from losing viewers to the Detsky Panodol show. There will be an after party as well, but that will just cost extra. Besides, by the time it starts, you’ll be on your way to the eXile party. Tix: R1500.