the eXile - bar-dak

Issue #10/91, May 25 - June 8, 2000

b a r - d a k

The eXile’s “Miss Monica-Russia 2000”. Saturday, June 3rd. Sirius. 22.00


	He said “cock”. Uh-huh-huh. Uh-huh-huh-huh. Yeah, and he’s like, crippled. Huh-huh.

Oh-ho-ho-ho my, folks! The President of the United States of America is coming to town on this night with the alleged purpose of giving his blessing to a repressive regime that will make his buddies at Goldman Sachs billions more, but we all know why the bloated ol’ lecher really came to Moscow: dye-vush-ki! That’s right, and to help the leader of the Free World find his Monica Lewinsky here in the land of dyevs-o’-plenty, the eXile is doing its patriotic duty by holding Russia’s first ever Miss Monica-Moskva 2000 contest. In order to determine which BJ-boomin’, cigar-chompin babe would most likely inspire Clinton to pop a presidential chubby, the eXile will hold an actual Monica beauty/behavior contest, complete with lookalikes, contests, and a grand prize for the Monica of Monicas: a free flight to the Mediterranean! So dyevs, start working on your jaw muscles, pack your snapper full of Monte Cristos, and prepare for what could be your big night! Practice false lines like, “I promise I won’t jizz on your dress!” or “You want a good job?” Surprises O’ Plenty, and we promise we’ll do our best to try to squeeze the winner into the Clinton entourage. Put it this way: if he even catches a glimpse of our Miss Monica-Moskva, there’s just no fucking way he can resist. Beyond that, you’ve got your usual eXile accoutrements: dreap chinks, free entrance, and lots of very sad, aging expats packing 50mg Viagra pills. Tix: Free!

Joe Cocker. Tuesday, June 6th. Kremlin Palace (19.00), Shan-gri-la (00.00). (Shan-gri-la located on Pushkin Square beneath the Pushkinsky Cinema Theater)

Folks, we’ve often lamented the “Joe Cocker factor” at various beer-belching, belly-bloated, classic-rock pipin’ bars, but when it comes to the Joe Cocker factor, there’s no higher Joe Cocker factor than seeing a Joe Cocker concert. Who is the fat, bearded old slob? Why, he’s the epileptic old hippie who’s still convinced that he was born a poor black child in the slums of Chicago. You can’t deny that the old slob sings well, but who on earth wants to listen to such tripe as “You Can Leave Your Hat On”? Why, dyevs, that’s who. After all, when they play that number at PJ’s, the dyev’s start a-strippin on Q. So bring one along, and reap the dividends later. Tix: If you’ve got friends helping you pay, you’ll get by

Ne Zhdali. Thursday, May 25th. Sixteen Tons. 23.00

Our MinProp insists that these Jews from Tallinn kick musical ass, playing “as if Madness were doing Pink Floyd”. These days they’ve kind of hit the bigtime, by Central European standards, because they picked up and moved their Jewish asses from Tallinn to Berlin, the Big Stalag as Ben Aris once eponymously named it. This isn’t pop music for regular dorks, but they are a big enough cult hit to attract a good crowd, and their reportoire, which should include whacky versions of 30s Soviet pop tunes, is guaranteed to tickle all ‘n sundry. Tix: 150R

Crossroads (X-Roads). Saturday, May 27th. DK Gorbunova. 19.00

One of Russia’s most popular, loved blues-rock bands, Crossroads, is celebrating their tenth anniversary with a special 2-hour show, with selections from their new album Salado in the first half, and a retrospective in the second half of the show. These guys are known as the Rolling Stones of Russia, and although there’s a bit of a Joe Cocker factor with them, we’ve always been impressed. Tix: 150R

Cabana 3rd Anniversary Party. Sunday, June 4th. 19.00

Once the hep new club when it opened up on the famed “River Strip” three summers ago, Cabana has now become a kind of institution. From its early days, it has been a popular hangout for both expat yuppies and 20-something molls, while its restaurant gained fame for its unusually high-quality menu. Splashy colors, great sound, good service... and for their party, lots of strippers, drink specials, and loads of folks crowding along the riverbank for live music. Tix: You gots ta have an invitation, or so they say. But if you mention Oliver Ready’s name, they might let you thru.

Blues Summit Festival. Friday thru Sunday, June 2nd - 4th. Hermitage Garden (see “Parizhskaya Zhizn’” for address details). 19.00

In celebration of Bill Clinton’s arrival in the new authoritarian Russia, they’re putting on a blues festival featuring lots of wrinkled white dudes from various EU countries like Denmark, Poland (hey, are they EU or what?!), the UK, and of course, blues meisters from yours truly, Russia, otherwise known as Scythia. You’ll be able to watch local faves like Blues Cousins, X-roads, Nikolai Arutyunov from League of Blues, along with harmonica-master Paul Lamb, Georgia’s Mobile Blues Band, and even an American named Earl Green. Sound thrilling? Probably isn’t, but it could be a good place to get geared up before the eXile’s “Miss Monica-Moskva 2000” contest on the third.

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