#12 | July 17 - 30, 1997  

Birth Control, Moscow-Style

Women of Moscow, insist on condoms. Otherwise you run the risk of being shot and killed if you refuse to have an abortion. In yet another classically asinine Moscow murder, a 25 year-old Moscow man shot and killed his 20 year-old girlfriend when she insisted on having the baby she believed she was pregnant with. According to MUR investigators, the young man was afraid of how his ex-police captain father would react if he were to have a child out of wedlock, so instead of hiding away his girlfriend, he invited her over for a chat and shot her in the head.

"Could someone pass me the Noxema-I got a little sunburned."

Hope his father doesn't find out about those murder charges, or there'll be hell to pay. In any case, the prosecutor plans to ask for the death penalty. Incidentally, experts have yet to determine the pregnancy of the victim.

Murder by Numbers

After a while, the news stories all begin to sound the same. Victim X was director of company Y. Travelling along street Z, he exited foreign car of A make and was finally shot in the head in his podyezd by automatic weapon of make B. Ineffectual police department in C city closes the case by announcing that the investigation is continuing. Hired killer D remains on the loose. For this story, fill in the following blanks: X=Alexander Kolesnikov, Y= "AO Interstroigazkomplekt", Z=Moskovskoye Shosse, A=Mercedes 600 series, B=TT pistol, C=Smolensk and D, as always, remains unknown. It all happened two weeks ago; look for the same story to happen again soon in a different city. Just hold on to our eXile algebra murder equation, and everything will be as E-Z as ABC.

"Hey officer, why are you unzipping your pants?"

Fit for Death

The very idea of sport has begun to take on sinister connotations in Russia-so much so that mafia gangs are beginning to name themselves after sports club in order to frighten their adversaries. Between the Sport Fund scandals, the murder of Hockey Federation President Valentin Sych, the Spartak director killing, and a rash of other sport-related crimes, sports in this country does more than entertain-it frightens. It was probably inevitable, therefore, that a gang would call itself the "Sport" gang. Last week, in Vladivostok, one Alexander Kovalev (the namesake, incidentally, of a famous Russian hockey player), the leader of the powerful far east "Sport" mafia group, was shot with a Kalashnikov as he stepped out of a casino. According to police, the investigation is continuing. Sure.