Issue #05/60, March 10 - 24, 1999  

low-yield murder	"skull-brain trauma"	podyezd	really stupid criminal	children	cries for help ignored	murder-suicide
"investigation continuing"	carved up like a turkey	related to victim's job	cannibalism	riddled with bullets	old people	homosexual

The Modern Barber of Siberia

Russian bandits are like bandits anywhere else: they strip, steal and kill while the gittin's good, and make haste when all's done.

A recent case in Irkutsk might change the image of the selfish, evil bandit into that of the savage, evil bandit fighting for a better Russia. In the March 9th issue of Vne Zakona, we are introduced to this newest savior in the

"So anyway folks, I just flew in from Pskov, and boy are my wings tired..."

form of one Alexander Raevsky. Raevsky had worked in the Irkutsk prosecutor's office for twenty years before falling out with his boss in the mid-90s. At that time, Raevsky had come to the conclusion that the fight against organized crime was useless since the militia was itself the core of the problem.

He gathered other ex-employees from the local FSB and RUOP, all fired, and organized a new mafia with the intention of taking back Russia from the local kavkazi mafia. His first victim, a businessman named "Borodin," wasn't a blackass--but he is worm food. Borodin made the mistake of threatening to out Raevsky's group to the local press. Raevsky's boys quickly hustled Borodin out to Raevsky's dacha, where the latter personally strangled him. The next victim in Raevsky's "Clean Up Russia" campaign was his cousin, whom Raevsky feared was planning to liquidate him. That was enough to earn a Casino-like death-by-kicking. But three's a lucky number, folks, and victim number three did indeed turn out to be the dreamed-of blackass enemy, a fellow thief whose only crime in Raevsky's eyes was his Caucasian hue.

In all, Raevsky iced at least 20 people before making the mistake of slicing up a Caucasian soldier suspected of raping a Russian girl, and leaving him in the forest for dead. The kavkazets survived, and Raevsky's boys were rounded up, including the Big R himself.

Oh well. Looks like Russia will continue to be ruled by bandits, lawlessness, and Caucasians.

Queer Nation Loses Citizen

When friends of a doctor one day shy of his 31st birthday showed up to his apartment on 2nd Ulitsa Marina Roscha for his b-day bash two Sundays back, they were horrified to find him stiff as a stale birthday cake, and bloody too. But the real shock came when investigators uncovered the sordid events and secret life of the still-unnamed doctor from Novosibirsk.

Details passed on to Moskovsky Komsomlets by the prosecutor's office in Moscow's Ostankinskaya Region suggest that the doctor was murdered during a

"Say what you will about these hard beds, but as far as I'm concerned, this is the best slumber party I've been to in my whole life!"

homosexual tryst... with two young army cadets. Sure, it may have started off as harmless as a Village People tune, but it ended with eleven mortal knife wounds. Gay fag-bashing? Naw, just another case of doctor meets cadets, doctor invites cadets over from some hard-hittin' two-on-one sex, cadets take "unusual" knife and stab doctor eleven times in the spine and chest, doctor dies. You've seen it a million times. Nothing unusual here.

The two cadets, aged 19 and 21, have been charged with the murder. The motive: besides the thrill of knifing an older bitch, they made off with over $500 bucks and everything of value that they could carry.

According to the MK article, police claim that, and we quote, "homosexuality among cadets is not rare. They even have their meeting place in the Slavyanskaya Ploschad area. [...] Students of the Army College are far from wussies: at the end of last year, during a massive brawl, they nearly killed two cops." We're not sure why MK had to put that in, but we know that the next time we have to take a leak, we're avoiding the public toilets at Slavyanskaya Polschad. Someone there may want our sex... and our lives!

Guerrillas In The Mist

New details about the savage massacre of eight white tourists in Uganda have recently come to light, and Death Porn, always willing to travel the world for your reading pleasure, is here to break this exclusive news.

According to one eyewitness, American Linda Adams, who survived, the whole problem with the Hutu rebels was a silly semantic mix-up that could have easily been avoided.

"We were just getting up from camp," a shaky Adams told reporters upon landing in San Francisco, "when our guide spotted something and appeared agitated. He told me that gorillas were coming our way, and to be quiet. I stood up, aimed my binocs and caught sight of them. They were wonderful gorillas! Black as the night, and almost human looking! I was so excited I started to videotape them. I'll even have to admit that I felt a certain, er, attraction to them that I hadn't felt since my student days when I used to watch jazz musicians in the Filmore District. I was thinking of this when I noticed something curious: the gorillas were carrying long, crude metal instruments, primitive weapons of some kind. I didn't know that mountain gorillas had advanced that far. They were a bit shorter and thinner than I

"Hey look, don't blame me for what happened in Uganda. I hate those Interhamwe Hutus just as much as the next rare mountain gorilla!"

imagined mountain gorillas to be from the guide books, but that's how it always is with stars. A few minutes later, one spotted me, and a group of them ran towards me. I thought this would be an excellent opportunity to actually see close-up what few in the world ever see: a real living mountain gorilla, one of only 320 left in the Bwindi National Park! Mark [Ross, the tour guide] had fled by then, but I thought he was being overcautious. As the gorillas came closer, I saw that they were carrying rifles. I assumed that with all the African wars in this area, the gorillas probably just picked up some discarded weapons. But when they came through the bushes, I was really in for a shocker: the gorillas wore nylon button-down shirts and pants and something like boots! I was saddened that human civilization had impeded upon such a beautiful rare species and spoiled their natural wonder."

Adams didn't have to be saddened for much longer. "When I understood that these were Hutu mountain gorillas, and not 'rare' mountain gorillas, I was plain depressed. As far as I understood, there was nothing particularly unique about the Hutu Interhamwe gorillas. That's when I turned to find Mark. On my way through the jungle, I heard the Hutu mountain gorillas using their crude machete-like tools back at the camp, but I figured that they were simply trying to communicate with the other tourists. They tried communicating via a complex series of screams and cries and yells, which seemed to work. Now, I just can't believe that such a gentle-looking animal could wind up committing such a terrible crime as the Hutu Interhamwe mountain gorillas did, but really, perhaps this is a message to us humans about the consequences of urban development and industrialization, and the effect this has on our delicate ecosystem."

Unfortunately, Death Porn hasn't yet created an icon for "Really Stupid Bored White Tourist Idiots Who Deserve Every Horrible Thing That Happens To Them", but we hope to rectify that real soon.