Issue #05/60, March 10 - 24, 1999  

[sic] ME OFF

Dear Exile, I just got booted out of Moscow in January and I am languishing in the States. I did my 28-month tour of duty over there and I never thought that I would miss it. There is a lot to be said for dead bodies in the street, corrupt police, unbelievably beautiful dyevs(they all swallowed!!!), and just a generally lawless society. Back here the police are pussies, the Liberals run around saying "oh don't hurt that tree", the chicks are od'd on McDonald's and wouldn't even think about sucking your cock(let alone swallow), and I haven't seen a single dead body yet!!! So, my point(if there is one) is that I am going through withdrawal. And to all of you that remain in Moscow...STAY THERE!!! There is nothing in the States that can compare to the time spent in the New Sin City.

Glenn Jahnssen

Dear Glenn,
Thanks for reminding us that our readers are quality human beings. You've made us feel really good about ourselves and everything we've accomplished here.

JANE AT WORK

Hi guys,
Now I know that this is probably the wrong area to do this but as it is the only hint of an email address on the site, it seemed to be the right thing to do. I first read about The Exile in Rolling Stone last month and was completely blown away by your story. As a freelance journo in Australia I was completely facinated by the situation over in Moscow. What you are doing is fantastic. I just love the fact that your magazine has that underground feel to it. Put it this way, if I was ever going to end up in Moscow, I'd come track you guys down and beg for a job! Keep up the good work, you now have a committed reader of The Exile in Australia via the internet.

Regards,
Jane Aubrey

Dear Jane,
Do you swallow?

PASS THE BONG

Hey eXile!
I was in Russia in '98 and grabbed a copy of your rag. Man, you guys rock! I read you on the Internet now and it's cool. I even checked out that Night Flight place when I was in Russia and it was wall to wall chicks, good ones too. The video store near my house has pornos with a bunch of rad Russian chicks and its totally like Night Flight. The magazine needs some music reviews because that's all that's missing. You could review the new Metallica album because it totally kicks ass. You should have interviewed Slayer when they played in Moscow. Slayer probably kicked ass and the Ruskis were tripping. In the last issue I read that you guys are out of drugs. I could send you some shit in a FedEx package, do they check those when you send 'em? If Chen is in America you guys should give him my e-mail because we could hang out and totally party, go to the Red Onion and pull chicks. Keep rockin hard!

Dear Paul,
This is it, irrefutable proof that the eXile has found its niche in the lobotomized-by-skunk-weed market segment. You kick ass, did, and don't let anyone tell you different.

DESPERATELY SEEKING METAPHORS

Dear Editor:
Please consider printing the following: The Yellow Coats of Gen-X Well, I planted myself on the other side of the planet to see what would be different about people here considering we all are invented the same, if saying "created the same" is not quite exactly the best way of putting it. I mean, we all have 2 arms, 2 legs, a head, a brain, and the approiate genetelia defined by our sex chromosomes. And, here I am. The ignorant spectator to my newly given, before-imagined, idiot foreigner, walking zoo, public spectacle, great exchange rate, highly insightful life. [what follows is 600 words of pseudo-witty, pseudo-metaphorical writing about how people in St. Petersburg wear yellow jackets.]

Verbally yours,
Pen Hero

Dear Pen Hero,
There's nothing worse than an intelligent letter. Folks, can we keep 'em short, reverent and idiomatic like Paul, m'kay?

eXeNOPHOBE

Hello Exile,
If you think that Russia is a Sodom of the world then you should be complete ASSHOLES !

Bst rgrds,
Alexey

Dear Alexey,
Okay, you're right. Sorry. What we meant to say is that Russia is the asshole of the world, and we are sodomites. We won't make that mistake again.

NUKE ME, I'M GERMAN

To the editorial staff of eXile
Dear Matt!
Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. (Isn't it?) OK. Highes score, last level, but you didn't finish the game. Instead of drum rolls: Beethoven's Nr. 9- Song of Joy "The appearance of a drunken American sleeping on the big board bothers no one." Finale Dance of the Knights from Sergey Prokovieff My God. Drunken American sleeping near black box, his fingers probably playing on buttons to shoot thermo-nuclear missiles? Matt, we are grownup men, that is really hard stuff! You missed your chance. Perhaps next there will be another one. Besides, Matt, do you like French Red Wine? Chateau Pichon ? I have some good bottles in my cellar. You can get them all, if you do me a little favour. Don't worry it's really easy: Please take off your wrist-watch. Use a water-proofed marker to note the following letters on the back of it. First in capital a -B-, then an -e-,-r- follows and add the simple rest -lin- to complete. OK. Next time use opportunity, be not so drunk, ask friendly russian officers to read backside of watch, find correct button and ...push. Optimists say Doomsday will come tomorrow, Pessimists instead growl it will last for eternity. Make them to be fools. Be an optimist. The proof is on you!!!!!!!!!!! Do it. Following Steven Hawking's Theory of Time we can meet after Doomsday at three p. m. in Cafe Sarmacand the same day. Please, do not forget my T-Shirt.......before

Always, yours sincerely
Yours Pope Rene

Dear Pope,
You ever thought of becoming president of Estonia? They'd love your flair for metaphor. As for nuking Berlin, we figured that firebombing Dresden was already satisfying enough. But thanks for the suggestion.

A COOL GRRRL

hey.....guyzz....believe me...when I was sent over to Moscow for the first time (by my then employer the good ole US Of A from Washington, DC) I had no clue about the expanse and incredible moral decandence of the city.....wow! hey all those years of seeing nothing but hungry ugly tired cold babushkas on tv. and the equally poor drunken grey dogs we were told were the husbands of the ailing soviet union.......and the nasty lies about the unintellectual uninspired uneducated populas of red square.....I fuckin flipped when I got there and met the people! These people don't need our help......they're just as wretched and innovative as we are!.....(I was told is was my job to help determine how to help these people feed themselves...and spread the message of "peace" from the US to our cold war opponents......by giving them pc's and software and intelligent methods of collecting and disseminating agricultural data (blah blah blah)...).and I realized they are THE MOST INTELLIGENT FUCKIN PEOPLE I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE....they don't need my help....these just need OUR MONEY..they just need a central system that isn't going to screw them out of their money.........(the russians really oughta work together to find a good way to screw Winthorpe "Weebles" Marlborough III) ...and why should I waste my time trying to tell them what to do?....they know what they need to do....they've had 40 years to think about it!........we should have just sent them the check, $650,000, for the project instead of traveling back and forth from country to country celebrating our arrivals and departures (I swear they tried to kill me with vodka).....and Taibbi.....i'm not like that Anna Blundy, the new Times of London correspondent you wrote about.....damn her....I absolutely loved the russian men.....and you're right she must be scared of the beauty of these people.....I'm not! I thought it was great to see real life in the middle of all our self-righteous confusion.......i know i can learn a thing or two from useguyz over there......heh heh heh.....moscow..makes new york city...and LA look like a carnival compared to the disney world of the NEW RUSSIAN Empire! .....bravo......

new american eXile fan
victoria

Dear Victoria,
You realize you're just asking for a gratuitous sexist reply. Something really cheap and "sophomoric," as middlebrows like to call it. But you know what? We're not going to give you that satisfaction. We were darn pleased by your reverent tone and Celine-ian ellipses. If you weren't American, hell, we'd probably even want to bend you over and... whoah! Darnit. Well, we hope you're happy!