Issue #25/50, October 22 - November 5, 1998  

It's true, folks. CNN came and spent an afternoon filming the eXile staff on Wednesday. Ames was said to be looking fit 'n fine, following the camerawoman everywhere and asking for repeated makeup buffs. He was a real ham, in spite of the fact that a booger hung out of his nose. Just to be whacky, we didn't tell Ames about that booger until CNN packed up and left. Boy was he angry! Anyway, before leaving, hunk-o-rama correspondent Jack Hamann penned this peon to the eXile legacy.

DEEP EDITORIAL THROAT

Dear Editor:
Can't thank you enough for your hospitality. We tell you we're coming in with a camera - big, Big, BIG American network - to put a face on The Crisis. Not that we expected to find a sign on the door. Not that we expected you to shave or wear a tie or get some sleep. Not that we thought your desk would be clean or the pictures on the walls would be of the wife and kids in front of the fireplace. But no imported bottled water? No makeup room? No finger sandwiches? Next time, I'm going to the Moscow Times.

Jack Hamann
Correspondent
CNN

Dear Jack,
Hey, you could have at least thanked us for one thing: we swallow! It's not every day that the editors of a failing, trying-to-be-funny newspaper slip on a pair of foam-cushion knee-pads, kneel in position, and... Aw heck, you're from CNN, Jack! We'd do literally ANYTHING to get on TV, you know that! And you know why? Because Bobbi Batista is serious maximum babe-age, and our goal has been to just spend ten intimate minutes with her. Hey, can we say that?! Guess we owe you a free t-shirt, huh Jack? See, our new policy is to only give out free T-shirts to people who can do something for us, while our regular readers will have to stand in line and pay like like the rest. You the man, Jack!

TORA! TORA! TORA!

Dear Editor,
I don't know if you've seen the "Alien"- misinformed information for English teachers - but Hiram's reference to it as your mutant child must be an attempt to dis. I'd tell your monkey to cancel this tickets as this is a middle school journalistic effort made by people responsible for the English education of the nation. I can just imagine Obuchi quoting from an Archie comic. Also the editor lives in some industrial shithole 8 hours away from Tokyo; far from the action of Roppongi and Kabuki-cho.

Hiram's banality is my food. High school date club girls pawning their panties and peaches to the ageing paper-shufflers, copycat poisoning episodes, industrial strength chrystal meth, sexually deprived housewives, half arsed right wing idiocy, nobody has heard of political correctness (nobody has heard of politics).

There is a 'zine made in Osaka called Exile Osaka which is about scum punk, noise, garage, and general trash. I doubt Hiram's temple watchers would be bothered with it.

Yukio Mishima

Dear Yukio-san,
Johnny Chen asked us to ask you why you people have such funny-looking eyes. He just doesn't get it, and frankly, neither do we. We don't really give a shit about yours and Hiram's little tiffs, but we do want to know about the peaches and industrial strength nose juice. We're also really into Ultraman, so anything you can tell us about our hero would be most appreciated. As for calling our general counsel, Moe Snideman, a "monkey"... all we can say, Yukio, is that you've just buried your own grave. He's going to make wahani out of your ass. Seems in every corner of the world, there's a wise guy. Don't be surprised if you wake up from a long coma, and all they find is some pine tar, and the scabbed imprints of the six-pointed star on your face.

YA VAS LYUBIL...

Dear exilers
Does anyone have information on the whereabouts of the sexy blond Brit who was once always seen in Chesterfields? I'd given up hope - thought she'd returned to the land of no hope and glory, but a source spotted her in Cafe Margerita last week.

If you know who I mean - pretty green eyes, tall, pert breasts - or indeed if you are that girl - put a man out of his misery and visit your old haunt on Octiber 31. I'll stop admiring you from afar and take you home for the best sex you'll have ever had.

I'll be waiting for you.

From the man who once sent you a vodka.

Dear Vodka,
The short answer is "no," because there are no sexy Brits. But then we just remembered. Johnny Chen says he knows her-quite well, in fact. Thing is, Chen insists that her breasts aren't pert at all once you unhook her bra. Rather, they're like a pair of liquid-filled condoms drooping towards her armpits. Also, Chen said you could drive a KamAZ through her you-know-what, and not leave a scratch. She also had some kind of weird gum disease-at least, she leaked blood from her bottom front teeth when he was kissing her, and there was a rancid odor emanating from her mouth. Welp, hope we haven't spoiled a beautiful romance. Go get 'em, loverboy!