Issue #05/86, March 18 - 30, 2000  smlogo.gif


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hey dudes!!

I think the eXile is really COOOOOL! So do all my friends, but since I'm the one who found the site, I get the T-Shirt. Russia sounds pretty scary, what with all the mafia and street violence we hear about. And the poverty must really upset you. But you must be pretty tough if you're still there (and still alive!!!) after 80-something issues. It all sounds so farout that me and my girlfriend Gina are already booked to come out there in May on vacation, and we would love to swing by your office to meet you. We can do some coke and Tequila slammers and then PAAAAAAARTY pa russki!!!! And even though we're pretty much what you call a pair of "Taco slappers", we dig guys too. But we can talk about that more when we get there. Boys, we are basically goddamn frickin shameless when it comes down to it, so save your energies...

Stay cool


PS To save you having to ask, I'm even going to send you "the photo" when I figure out how to scan it. I don't think you'll be disappointed.


Dear Gayle,

We've got some bad new for you. We're all pretty bad lays - when we can get it up, that is. So our advice is: don't give up the taco-slapping just yet. But you can still send us that scanned photo of your snappers. After all, we can still dream, can't we?



Dear Exile, Thrilled and flattered to have made it to the quarter finals of the lousy hack awards, even though the spotty lad from The Times knocked me out (quite unfairly, as you pointed out). I would like to thank my parents, by brother, my cat, my friends, my producers, all the guys on the team, without whom I could never have achieved this. Thanks to everyone and I Iurve you all. Helen Womack.


Dear Ms. Womack,

We're sorry, Dunkin' Donuts is no longer located at this address. Please check with your local telephone directory to find more current information




Hello there. I love what you're doing and thought I might suggest a favorite of mine, a site/org which is abuzz in Austin,Tx; www.dig-factory.com. I think you'd be interested.

Best Regards,

S. Hsu


Dear Mr. Hsu,

Every time someone says to us "oh, you'll really like this [book, movie, site, etc.]," it always turns out to be some pretentious, boring, hippie garbage. Why don't people like you just die? Really, we mean it. Die, Hsu. We don't even want you to buy our book. Just die.



Dear Sirs,

I would like to say a word of thanks for your really hilarious and liberal tabloid, which I always read with due interest. I believe it to be of certain value not for expats community only, but for some local Moscow people as well, especially as far as the Eat Your Heart Out and Bardak sections are concerned.

My observation, however, is that in general your language is far from being Queen's English (Fag's English - maybe, but Queen's - never), and sometimes it's real hard to understand the messages you are trying to get across, what may potentially result in the loss of some part of your esteemed audience. Looks like what you need is a special explanatory dictionary for your Exile sub-culture language, which, no doubts, is a story itself .

Would you guys be so kind as to explain the meaning of the following wordings (highlighted below in Bald Italics) from the aforementioned sections, as they are not quite understandable even for some X-pats, leave alone local people:

1. If this place is Chinese, then monkeys ex buttia, if you know what we mean.

2. Mungie dirthead guys, skymie fat chiks ..

3. We know they pack in the teenie-proles, but ...

4. Gross macking in booths observed.

5. The gosh dern cover charge has returned.

6. ... or else we are going to teabag this platypus (front page).

What the fuck do all these words mean? I'm kinda curiou-SIC.

I do appreciate your time and consideration.




Dear Mr. Sergei,

The only message we're trying to get across is this: Why can't we all just get along? It doesn't matter if you're a Mud Person or a Westerner. We're all God's creatures, Mr. Sergei, when it comes down to it. That said, here's a point-by-point explanation of the meaning of each expression you requested, free of charge:

1. This Chinese restaurant serves piping hot mu-shu monkey sphincters in plum sauce, and we mean it

2. "mungie dirthead guys" are this year's Furbies, a new doll that kids from coast to coast are lining up to buy-we're surprised you've never heard of the mungie dirthead dolls, Sergei!; as for "skymie fat chicks", this refers to your mother and grandmother, because when their asses appear in an open area, the sky is said to disappear for miles around

3. "teenie-proles" are small Polish people with speech impediments

4. "gross macking" refers to a kind of greasy lint that collects in certain vinyl booths produced in Turkey in the late 80s, many of which were sold to Russia in widely-criticized, corrupt trade deals

5. "gosh dern" is what actor Bruce Dern named his penis during the madcap, experimental phase of his career in the late Õ70s

6. to "teabag" a platypus is when a male human squats naked over a bound platypus, slowly lowers his testicular sac into the platypus's bill, and "soaks" his scrotum in the platypus's soft, saliva-lubricated mouth. Many Koreans believe that doing this helps to cure platypus impotence, which is a problem sweeping the platypus kingdom.

A [sic] SIKH

Hullo Gospadine!

I have noticed you are troubled by the thought as to how to make Russia

great without the fucking communists. Am I right? A suggestion: Destroy the entire world.


So you are Russians. Like the British. And don't mind when Russian women mix with the Kuwaitis and Egyptians and Sikhs. But very much mind when Manu tries to love Russian women(how many?) in his own way. And you shoot him. Try to rob and kill him. Drown him. At the behest of the Indian communists and Bengali and Sikhs. You feel great. Manu is rude while Russians and the Americans and the British and the Germans are the last word in politeness. Hats off to you. When one is rude, yes, kill him. Why don't you marry off all Russian women to the Sikhs? They are just like you. Bengalis and Sikhs and Russians will take over the world. Germans (you respect them for waging the war), the French, rich Japanese, the civilized British, spiritual Indians and the just Americans included.

You think you are brave. Because you hit from behind. Just as the rest do. Including the most revered Sikhs. What about Alaska? You sold off the heart of your motherland for what? Money. Czar is great but communists were bad. You can kill Chechens. Let us see if you can fight the Americans to reclaim Alaska. Who are you by the way? The most cruel race on earth. Proud of your intellect just as the rest are included are the Bengalis.

You know how to teach a Hindu Jew to be brave and civilized. Tell me first what it means to be civilized? And brave? Before you attack anyone, go and get Alaska. Want to hear more from me? Just let me know.You can even come to me to sort out what is what. Agreed? But come with a nose ring and long hair.

By the way, what you get when TIT is a TAT? Solve the riddle before you

venture in to cosmos or anywhere else.One doesn't make nuclear bombs to

scare. They are made for a purpose. If you "Westerners" are so clever why don't you drop the bombs when there is a legitimate reason to do so. No answers. N-bombs will turn to Bengali sweets and sweets into farts if kept for too long in the cold storage.

Too much of Bengali sweets produce upset stomach leading to open stomach and stitches. And farts. And farts produce smell. And the smell - the westeners and the New Russians won't like.

Western civilization with all the rest are a blot on nature.

What happened to Aral sea?


If you want money why don't you sell off Russia and the people to some American CEO. Would definitely love to have an answer. The culprits have to be brought to severe justice if you have anything which goes by CIVILIZATION and justice. I will face the music.

Dear Manu,

Our sentiments exactly.



Dear Sir/Madam,

This is an enquiry from the UK. I work for ITN Factual which is the documentary making wing of ITN. I am doing looking for suitable stories for a proposal to look at Russia's drink problem. So far I have come across a drying out centre called the House of Hope, but I have very little information on it. Do you have a contact for them? Can you think of anything else which might be interesting to look at with regards to vodka?

I look forward to hearing from you

John Wagener



Dear Mr. Wagener,

You've got it all wrong: there's no drinking problem here in Russia. Incidentally, we're thinking of doing a documentary on BritainÕs dentistry problem. So far we've found a British denture maker who produces wooden teeth "made crooked […] with brackish edges, just like the real thing" but we have very little information on it. Can you think of anything else interesting with regards to your teeth?




Give Copenhagen, Denmark, a thought when you get around to plan your book tour. Liberal attitudes towards sex and drugs should ensure you a pleasant stay in this otherwise (in all meanings of the word) small country.

Think about it,

H. Haraldsson,



Dear Mr. Haraldsson,

Okay, wait… hold on… Whoap! There it was! We gave it a thought.



Can you believe this shit?

"With less than one month to go before Russians vote in an

election that is almost certain to be won by Acting President Vladimir V. Putin, some of the liberals who hailed his rise are voicing fears that there may be authoritarian instincts lurking beneath Mr Putin's well-turned democratic phrases." "may be authoritarian instincts"? "MAY BE AUTHORITARIAN INSTINCTS"? When did the NY Times become so fucking spineless?

Just curious,



Dear Fyodor,

They're not spineless, they're just doing their best to ingratiate themselves to the biggest and only bully in the schoolyard: whatever the State Department says, The New York Times is sure to parrot. Know why? Because your country's leaders fell to their knees ten years ago and foolishly decided to stop targeting their Topols and SS-21s at that propaganda-spewing rag's headquarters. Take a page out of Manu's book, Fyodor. Next time you guys get the courage to train your nukes on Times Square, don't hesitate: JUST FIRE!


Puny Punster's Purchase Thwarted


You guys need to have a few unkind words with your loser publisher. I ordered your book through B&N 3 weeks ago and I just found out today that there are no new copies to be found. I was told that there may never be any new copies. Or maybe there will be. Who knows? What's up with that? I'm trying to donate to your unworthy cause, but nobody will sell me one of your stinking books. I know you aren't the sharpest tools in the box (like the play on words?), but it seems your publisher is even duller than you. Get it in gear guys. I want that damn book. I want to encourage you to keep doing what you do (providing cheap entertainment to even cheaper people). But I can't do it without your book. What? You think I'm going to just send some money to you? Forget it. You'd just blow it on junk. I want that poorly written pile of paper in return. By the way, where's my t-shirt for that [sic] piece I wrote in 1998? Seriously guys, I'm trying to help you and you won't let me (like typical junkies). Now get on the phone to your publisher and get me my book.

Name Withheld Due To Embarrassment


Dear Mr. Embarrassment,

What book are you talking about?



Dear Sir,

I am enclosing a copy of this letter to the Director of the Australian Security Intelligence Organization in Canberra, Australia... If it is possible, I would like to ask for your assistance to forward copies of it for the hottest female investigative journalists of your media organization who are ready to meet me here in Australia. http://www.angelfire.com/tx/AlphaTeam550/ASIO.html Although, I could not highlight it in the attached Internet document, it is not a secret that my request is also related to business aspirations. It is maybe also important that organizations of Australian and international journalists can also support the publishing of this story considering its importance in gender and fundamental human rights issues... With true friendship,


Miklos Fornai Journalist/Political Scientist Alpha Team International NSW, Sydney, Australia


Dear Miklos,

We spoke to our only female correspondent. Her name is Helen Womack, and she's excited to meet you. Give her a few months, though, she's got some work to do before she can fit into her bathing suit. Just send a ticket!

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