the eXile - [sic]

Issue #06/87, March 30 - April 13, 2000

KAMA SUTRASHWARI

Hey Dudes!

I debated visiting to you but I feel much better getting this off my chest. Your drooping dick and pink hot pussy stories are too outrageous to hold back my comments. I sometime wonder if you have any female colleagues working at eXile; what with you guys walking with dicks in your hands!

A case in point: Horny Mr. Maheshwari! Now this guy seem to have a serious problem of sperm blockage; I mean the guy is simply a sex maniac! I honestly suggest he should bend down, touch his toes and spell R-U-N, R-U-N.

Vish

Dear Mr. Vish,

Vijay Maheshwari replies: "What gives, man? I showed your lugubrious letter to this model-type babe from Omsk who's staying with me, but she doesn't read English. She said that I must be famous if someone's writing me letters. After I showed her your letter, I felt her breasts up and made out with her. You're probably just jealous, man."

WHOA, MAC!
We at the eXile received these two emails from the same bardic source. We'd like to share them with you because they display the kind of thought-through wit, charm and intelligence, as well as the range of expression and Nabokovian grasp of the English language, that we think constitutes our core readership. He proves that the modem is mightier than the sword indeed. So sit back, kick off your slippers, slip on your thinking caps, and prepare to expand your minds...

Whot a fuck is these.

Why the fuck you think, thet I whont to read about sluts.

I whont to see them!!!

Mack@usit.com

Fuck you...

marck@usit.com

Dear Mr. marck,

Our staff is fluent in several languages, including jive, cockney and cyberspeak. Based on our knowledge, your letter says to us, "I'm alone... I watch MTV game shows... my underwear has yellow stains... I hope I get that security guard job I applied for." Well, we hope so too. Good luck!

PALAK POO-NEAR

Dear editor,

You recently published a wonderful letter by a Bengali, I believe, which said something about the power of Bengali shite. Well, the odd thing was I was reading your goshdern superb magazine (T-shirt please) in the [name of Indian establishment that may or may not advertise in our newspaper deleted at the request of the radical left-wing, anti-capitalist editorial staff] restaurant, and after reading that VERY SAME mail I went to wash my hands in advance of their excellent beezniss lanch arriving. I passed the waiter by the dunny door. He was looking a little sheepish, and when I entered the gas chamber I found out why.

He had just coiled off the stinkiest brown trout imaginable. (I'm sure it was the waiter by the way, because I was assured that Helen Womack hadn't been seen round for weeks). A fine healthy specimen, if the splatters were anything to go by. Sure, he'd flushed it down towards Burger Kween, but the kling-ons were deadly. No wonder your curry-munching club columnist can't get any further than "a bit of inside tit and outside box".

Put me right off my mango chutney, I can tell you.

Sincerely

Ade Werker

PS: I think it's time the Exile followed up the battle of the shite journos with a "dump of the month" contest. I have a stunner in my freezer, which parted company from my chocolate starfish on the morning after a feed of curry and several Guinnesses after St Patrick's Day. I can drop it round any time you like, and we can even crack open a tinnie and enjoy the release of vapours. Just a thought. And if you don't like shite, what the fuck was that poem in your last issue?

Dear Mr. Hsu,

Dear Mr. Wanker,

Either you're a racist British twat whose only consolation for being born English is stomping on wogs, or else you're a self-hating Indian. Either way, we like you. If only the world had more self-hating bigots, this would be a much better place.

A TAXING JOKE

Editors,

Here is my contribution:

SWITCHED AT BIRTH

Dear Patricia,

Ha-ha! That's a good one! So funny that we feel obliged to reply with a joke of our own. Here it is: We promise not to forward this email, along with your last name and place of work (listed in the email reply address) to Pochinok's people, and in return, you pay us, oh, say, twenty percent of the taxes that you owe him but don't intend to pay because he doesn't (yet) know of your existence. Here's the punchline: We expect to hear from you by May 15th. If we don't, then we start auto-emailing the tax ministry. Good one, eh Pat? Ha-ha-ha!

Folks, for the last time, please, WE'RE TELLING THE JOKES HERE. This isn't some interactive satire community like McSweeney's. Hell no. We don't value your opinions unless they're flattering or clever enough to steal, in which case we won't publish them. Please, leave the jokes to the experts, and just buy our frickin' book, will ya?

QUALIFIED LOSER SEEKS EMPLOYMENT

So, do you ever consider hiring anyone who emails you out of nowhere and begs

for kindness from strangers? I was just wondering. I have a friend who's worshipped The Exile since she started a zine in college, is now thinking about moving to Moscow, has good hygiene, and would probably be willing to edit copy by a flickering candle for hours on end with only an occasionally granted five minute JuJu Bean break. And she wouldn't try to be quirky and anecdotal to draw attention, either. She's a decent kind of person, just a little frightened that if she doesn't make a big change soon, it may actually begin to become important to her whether or not Joey and Pacey hook up on Dawson's Creek on the WB's Must-See Wednesday night. Seriously, I'm not sure how in tune you feel with American pop culture at the moment, but something's got to give. Anyway, please do email me back if there's a chance in hell,

Erin

Dear Erin,

Does your "friend" have big thingies? If so, you're darned tootin there's a chance in hell that we'll let her fly out, sleep with us on the desperate hope that that's what she's got to do to get ahead in showbiz, then we'll tell her that there's no money or work for her, and she'd better just go back home, because we'll be suffering from too much post-coital remorse to deal with having her around... she'll return home minus 1500 bucks, with a crushed ego and a nagging itch in her pubic region. On the other hand, if she doesn't have big thingies, then, well... Forget what we said, and just have her send us a JPEG image of her snapper. High resolution. None of this fuzzy stuff.

NERD-BRASKA

I just saw your website and have a weird desire to read your book "the Exile" I was just wondering whats the chances of getting an autographed copy for my small hometown library. I mean small there's only around 2,000 people there. I was wanting to put it on auction to raise money for our expansion fund.

So is there any chance in getting a signed book.

Kurt

Nebraska

What book are you talking about? Why does everyone write to us talking about this alleged "eXile" book called "The eXile: Sex, Drugs and Libel in the New Russia" published by Grove Press, available now through amazon and coming soon to your local bookstore? Oh yeah, that's right: because we just published it, and we've been shamelessly pimping the shit out of it like some runaway village whore from Klin. To answer your question, then, the answer is, sure we'll autograph your books. All we ask is that you arrange a parade in your tiny mid-American town, and have the mayor award us the keys to the city. Deal?

CUSTOMER SERF-ICE

Do you know where I can purchase "Assassination of a Sentry" and "Anatomy of a Hero".

Regards

petars@mweb.co.za

Dear Mr. Petars,

Would you like us to help you locate a customized PalmPilotV while we're at it?

LICK MY LOLLIS-POP

Dear Exile,

I'm an ordinary American working woman who enjoys reading your paper. I've introduced many of my friends to it but, they just don't seem to "get it." Anyway, I would love to own an Exile T-shirt and I've been pondering about what would be the best way to obtain one without being insulted and left out in the cold without one. Truth is, I have no imagination and am only of average intelligence so I don't really think I could "Wow" you into giving me one. My only other option is to beg. PLEASE!!

Sincerely,

Elizabeth A. Lollis

Dear Ms. Lollis,

As part of our "Thingies 4 Totskies" policy, we're willing to give you a T-shirt if you let us watch you put it on.

MADMAN AT THE HELM

Dear Matt & Mark:

You may care to run a special box in your Grand Final for Astrid Wendlandt of the Financial Times for best effort at concealing plagiarism. Attached in the Moscow Trib's piece on the hirsute theory by Fred Weir, dated January 11. Compare it to Ms. Wendlandt's effort, dated last weekend. Can you imagine it would take her almost eight weeks to dig up sources to make her re-run of Fred's piece look like her own work - Sergei Fyodorov, 29, household products sales manager from St. Petersburg; Vladimir Georgiev, biologist from Nizhny, et al. She really travelled on this one.

Regards,

John Helmer

Dear John,

Are you hearing voices again?

COLLECTIVEGUILT.de

Dear Matt or Mark

You're climbing up the sales ranking of amazon.com. Congratulations! But when will the book actually be AVAILABLE? Or is it just the lame german amazon.de that can't get it's hands on your book?

Please let me know!

Oliver

Dear Oliver,

It's a clear case of anti-Semitism. Sure the book hadn't yet been released when you sent the letter, but that doesn't disprove our point. We believe that your government, as well as amazon.de, should pay reparations to us for their crime. But more importantly, we believe that it's time Germans pulled their heads out of the sand and began some serious introspection as to how a society could manage to do something as horrible, as vile and unprecedented in our modern age, as allowing our book to not be available?

ME SO HOE-NEE

My nights are cold and lonley in my sexless U.S. homeland...your site gives me some relief from the money hungry and spoiled American girls. Thanks guys, Russia is nuts, and I know you guys are in the midst of it, goin crazy...but heck, thats a what makes you a funny. I'll be there as soon as I can. Really, you have a way funny site, and your writers should get more than a pat on the back.

Chris Chung

Dear Mr. Chung,

If Roundeye could speak, he would say, "While I respect the Asian culture's long-developed traditions in the area of male-female relationships, I believe that time will prove that the Occidental respect for women as equals and partners to men, rather than treating them as mere sexual objects, will, over time, become the world standard accepted by all."

FARTOGRAPHER

Hello.

Are there any openings at the Exile for a photographer? I'm a journalist/photographer in Washington, D.C. and I'm looking to get out of the country for awhile. What sort of requirements do you have for employment?

Thanks,

Chris Maddaloni

Dear Mr. Maddaloni,

If you're writing us looking for a job, it must mean you are a loser and therefore we don't want you. We only want photographers who are so good that they'd consider it beneath them to have their work appear in our newspaper.

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