the eXile - [sic]

Issue #10/91, May 25 - June 8, 2000

DILBERT’S BIGGEST FAN

Mark, Matt, and all you censors just dropping by for good conversation;

Scenario:

Outraged citizen starts writing outraged email to Harvard University’s ethics ‘pointman’, Dr. Dennis Thompson, assistant provost. Outraged citizen cries foul on the acts of economist Andrei Shliefer and the attitudes of his employers. Outraged citizen then returns to source of outrageous information on Shliefer, the eXile, and reads down to No. 1. Stop right there.

What the hell is the cubicle guy doing at No. 1? I would have thought that Putin would be No. 1, or at least in the top 5, and the cubicle guy should be around 10, but not above it in my opinion. He deserves a spot on the list, don’t get me wrong, that bastard does need an attitude adjustment, but he’s not aggressively working for the forces of evil anymore. Whereas certain other lowlife scum...

Anyway, the point I was aimlessly meandering towards is that when I saw the criteria for the list, it lost credibility with me. Is Andrei Shliefer really an underhanded inside trader ruthlessly stomping on the little guy to get paid, or is he simply a geeky prof. with an opportune marriage?

Best regards,

Andrew Bishop

Arcadia, WI

Dear Mr. Bishop,

Are you a chronic masturbator? Because when you read between the lines of this letter, all you see everywhere is “I’m a chronic masturbator.” Correct us if we’re wrong, but your letter is actually cyber-sticky. And it’s pretty gross.

PREJUDICED AGAINST INDIANS

Hi [sic]:

I’ve read Vijay Maheshwari’s article in the last Exile’s on-line issue. I think he scored at 25 for the fist time and that happened in a third world country, plus he paid for that. Looks like some of your authors, including Vijay are unable to find a decent job and/or date in US. Losers. Sorry for using your e-mail address, I think I should send this message directly to Vijay.

AK (47)

Dear Mr. (47),

Vijay responds, “Come on, man. I’ve been with model-level girls in New York, London, Paris, wherever. There are a lot of losers out there—like yourself, for example, who can’t even get it intheir hometowns.”

RICHARD THE LIMEY-HEARTED

Dear People

Having read your paper, thought it was time to get the E-Mail up and running, letters probably to big to publish, but what the fuck!.

1.) Good article on the corruption issue just goes to show that just because westerners pontificate on a number of issues they are just as bent as the Russians. The biggest difference being that they are often more subtle, in Russia they just don’t have to bother.

2.) Having worked on a number of projects in the Ukraine and Russia, it hasbecome startlingly obvious that the activists fighting the “World Economy” thing and “Globalisation” are right. The World Bank and IMF should take a damn good look at how they manage to line the fucking pockets of administrators every where, whilst earning a tidy sum for themselves, and not giving a toss in the mean time.

3.) To bring the conversation down to a more base level, you sad deluded fools should get the fuck out of Moscow and go to some of the smaller cities. The standard of the dervooshki is far higher and a damn sight cheaper as is the alcohol. Once in Lugansk (Ukraine) my driver was negotiating a deal between 4 stunning tarts in a local caf?. He came over looking disgusted and informed me that it would cost $10 for each girl!. The moral is that the women are better elsewhere.

4.) Moscow must have the saddest X-Pat community in the world, on a recent visit to the Mexican restaurant on Tverskaya I observed that saddest of situations, the 40+ westerner desperately trying to look 20. Do these old basterds suddenly think they have become attractive to under 25 girls. Get a fucking reality check you sad shits. High fiving and yelling at the top of your voice to make sure that all the girls are aware that you are foreign is sad, sad, sad. By all means enjoy Russia and all that the women have to offer, but don’t kid yourself that you have become gods gift overnight, and for Christ’s sake stop wearing teenage cloths, you look fucking stupid, and switch off your fucking mobile and leave it at home it isn’t big and it isn’t clever.

Richard, British, living and working all over Russia and the Ukraine.

And I have no doubt that you will ridicule me for being British, but I would like to add that the majority of people in section 4 of the letter had American accents.

Dear Mr. Richard,

You had a somewhat reasonable, balanced, eXile-esque thing going there, combining a healthy anti-Globalist morality with AIDS-and-sex-slavery-be-damned nihilism and hatred of bland expat idiocy… and then ya hadda dun gone ’n tell us that you’re a limey. That was the literary equivalent of farting just as you were about to mount us, even with the caveat at the end, which was no better than lighting a match and apologizing. We’ve just lost our hard-on for you, Richard. No T-shirt. Although we will give you a toothbrush. Lord knows you people could use one.

DOCTOR [sic]

Dear eXiled,

When I come into contact with the mainstream media of Western nations, I usually end up on my knees vomiting up my own faecal matter. How ironic, that a journal (loose) from out of Moscow (vagina!) could do so much to end my shit-spitting nightmares. I’d heading to Russia this summer because America is a leprous boil on the underside of the scrotum of existence. I’d ask you to let me write a medical column for you, you syphilitic gastro-hounds, but I know you’d just mock me and want to lick my father’s vas deferens. And my sister? Her, too! She loves bungy-jumping!

Fuck me anally!

Doctor Doom

Washington DC

Dear Dr. Doom,

We were hoping to fuck you ocularly.

STUART PRATT’S SISTER

Dearest Exile:

So I’m back in the US after my Tverskaya kvartira, missing Moscow of course, including your paper, whose excellent coverage of politics and culture remains largely unmatched, especially among the civilized sheep one finds here in the states.

However, although you are not blind like most Westerners, you are still lost, as witnessed by your mysogeny and interest in the more superficial and banal elements of Russian life (i.e. reaming 16 year old girls up the ass). Spengler once compared crazy and incomprehensable (to most Westerners, even to a less extent yourselves) Russia to Palestine at the time of Christ, a place primitive yet full of an energy, the dawn of a new civilization in the air. You Exile guys recognize this, obviously, but you are so much like tourists, into a sort of dead-end Mithras cult of 16 year old restroom ass-fucking. So far from reality although so close, you have the potential of being a St. Peter who may one day return to your fallen world and rid it of its cubicle-ridden, Ralph Lauren/Tommy Hillfiger culture, its fat and sexless cows grazing on the fruits of its standardized efficient consumerism, its moral emptiness and triumphant civilization over living culture.

Please, go ahead keepin’ it real, and seek the deeper meanings as well as the “primitive” ephemerial effects. Next time I’m in town if I have a chance I’ll look you up, we’ve got mutual acquaintences. And tell your book reviewer Dolan (sic) that just as criticizing Nietzsche is the mark of the provincial intellectual, so is the undue glorification of Nietzsche an indicator of a pseudintellectual wannabee nihilist a la the Kevin Kline character in A Fish Called Wanda. Better to turn towards Dostoyevsky.

Good luck,

Babai

Dear Babai,

Wow, that’s really deep. You’re so smart, you can even diss Nietzsche, based on the fact that a movie once quoted him! Heavy, man. You were probably the type at college who proudly proclaimed that R.E.M. sold out after Chronic Town. Because that’s how cool you are. And gee, what fools we’ve been for wanting to fuck fresh 16-year-olds instead of saggy, stretched-out hags like yourself. We’d love to hear more of your New Age pieties, but we’re too busy wiping the freshly-punctured hymen membranes from our johnsons. It’s not easy picking it out from the rim of your head, you know. But once we’re done, you can be sure that we’ll start examining all of that consumerism stuff. Bai-bai!

HIGH FIVE, DUDE!

Preveit,

I am a drunk, womanizing american fraternity guy. You know. The kind you love to hate cause we have all the beer and girls. Anyways. I have been studying international business and russian for three years. I have a shitty, “fuck you/pay me” attitude and have way to much truth about the world to say. So in short your organization needs a guy like me. Write back if interested. If not. Do something BIG for cryin out loud. DAMMIT man. Why does it have to be rejects that read your shit. Get your shit on front page.

Cause a media stunt. Expose a politician or something. Get Tony Blair in bed with a Russian Whore. SOMETHING man. C’mon. Just kiddin. I to read your shit and basically. I’m bored of college and would love to come to work for you. Causing drama and all kinds of other shit that would cause more sales and web-site hits. Cause basically. Its all about the Benjamins Baby.

Joshua

Phi Delt 1847

Dear Mr. 1847,

If beer-belching morons like yourself actually like our newspaper, then clearly we’ve got to get back to the drawing board. Josh, as desperately as we want to sell our book, we’d rather see you slide underneath a UPS truck and get sucked into the axle than take your money. Do us a favor and play a big prank on your frat house. Blow it up. With yourself inside. That would be totally crazy, Josh.

THE COKE-IE

My niggaz,

I bought your book. It is probably the best book I’ve read since “The Monster At the End of This Book” by Grover. Plus, I could jerk off to that photo of the girl with a champagne bottle up her ass. I believe that in thirty years it will be required reading for my grandchildren. If not, I will read it to them as a bedtime story, sending them into slumberland with dreams of cheap speed and even cheaper whores. I tried to review your book on amazon.com, but they wouldn’t publish it. Probably because I just made fun of Michael Bass’ review. If it is indeed him, he is a fucking loser for giving a good review to a book that spent a chapter ripping him apart. When I read his review, I just pictured that scene in “Leaving Las Vegas” when Elizabeth Shue is sitting in the shower with blood pouring out of her ass.I hope you make a tour stop at Arizona. Even Chuck D comes by every now and then. I should warn you, though. All the whores in Tucson are undercover cops. But they still give good head.

You can plunger rape me. Just make sure there aren’t any squares at my funeral.— blakkkelvis

Dear Blakkkelvis,

Aside from the disturbing trend of male readers inviting us to fuck them in the ass, we liked your zany, worshipful letter so much that we decided to award you a Roundeye T-shirt. At your funeral.

COWBOY JUNKIE

Ed’s

Im hereby having to move from the US to Russia (Don’t ask why). The dreadful lack of hard drugs there, however, has me contemplating The Great Nod Out in the Sky. It would be better than fucking Dallas Texas, anyway.

Ryan

Dear Ryan,

You’re right. Take a hot dose and kill yourself. Just stay away from Russia. It’s not like the place is awash in smack. And we don’t need greedy freaks like you cuttin’ in on the action. Stay in Dallas, and kill yourself. But first, buy a few more copies of our book.