the eXile - [sic]

Issue #14/95, July 20 - August 3, 2000

DOTHEAD.COM

Here's my impression of Vijay getting stomped by a skinhead: "Oh, please, baldpate, do not rive my phiz asunder!"

Regards,

(insert Maheshwari-esque nom de guerre here)

Dear Mr. Insert,

Vijay Maheshwari replies, "That's really wrong, man. I don't like that kind of talk. I know that people are jealous of me and all because I live out their sexual and artistic dreams, but envy is a really bad thing. I know serious people in this town who drive around in Merc jeeps, so don't even think of doing anything to me."

Note from the editors: You've won yourself a Roundeye T-shirt. Just promise you'll wear it when you roll our lecherous club reviewer.

KOSMIC KUNTZ

Guys.

If you really want to get your teeth into someone, try those twats at Kosmos T.V. Because they only broadcast shite.

Cheers

Dr Marten

Dear Dr. Marten,

Yeah, we've been begging the Kosmos people for months to show regular episodes of Ally McBeady, although we don't necessarily approve of her as a role model for women. Not because she's so thin, but because she's so old. Young women should not be made to believe that someday it's okay for them to grow old and have little wrinkles around their mouths. It sends a bad message to young women everywhere. Television's influence on our youth should not be underestimated.

SOCCER [sic]S

Dear eXile,

Some time back you guys published and article called "10 Reasons Soccer Sucks" How can I get a copy of it? Can somebody email it to me?

Thanks

Karl Herrington

Dear Mr. Herrington,

Sure, somebody can email it to you. That somebody can find it for you, select "all", paste it onto an outgoing message in their email program, type in your email address, and send it to you. Amazing what we can do these days, ain't it? AS for getting a copy, just click into our web site and scroll down to the freshly-installed search engine, and type in "soccer sucks". The eXile: we're growing up!

A-O-L-OSER

Hi there,

I cannot view your website and supposedly clickable links on right are not clickable. Apparently there is some incompatibility with A-O-Hell I am on. The left side with icons looks just fine. The middle is completely blank. On the right side the fancy text is over a "normal" looking text. Even banners are not clickable. Did anyone else complained on AOL incompatibility?

Michael

Dear Michael,

All of that is real interesting stuff, and we're glad you sent us this stream-of-retarded-consciousness letter to tell us that you're one of the sheeple subsidizing evil frat boy Steve Case's takeover of the world, while you, Michael, still can't figure out how to click a link. You're gonna go places, baby!

CHOLO WITH ATTITUDE

Mark:

Have you done any more MP3?s i can download for my program? Chechens With Attitude had a very good reception here in Guadalajara... If you?re in the mood and have the time also send names of russian groups you like... On an aside... why waste time on the lamo US candidates? to paraphrase your friend Chomsky: Two horses, one rider: Mediocrity.

Carlos Ramirez Powell

ps. You can tune in to my radio show at
www.radio.udg.mx
tuesdays at 17:00hrs moscow time.

Dear Senor Ramirez,

What's this with the "your friend Chomsky"? Are you saying that all us Jews stick together? Yeah? Well, fine. To paraphrase your friend the Taco Bell chihuahua: Ay, drop de chalupas!

DUNGEON FANTASY

Dear editors

We are have read your book and read the eXile web-edition on a regular basis. It's just one thing we are wondering.

We read in "Sex drugs and libel in the new Russia" page 206 that the average space norm for russian prisoners are 75 square centimeters. We find that hard to believe. That would mean that you could fit 133 prisoners onm one square meter!! They mighet be malnourished and weakbut it's still a very small space . Please explain!!! By the way who are the "Chechenz"? "Straight outta' Grozny" is hilarious!!!!

D.Y.G.D. Sthlm Sweden

Dear Mr. Sweden,

Actually, we got it all wrong. The prisons in Russia are all spacious, comfortable, and fitted with the latest IKEA furniture in order to create a calm, natural environment for Russia's prison population. As for the second question, Chechens are a dark, bearded mountain people who first invented gangsta rap way back during the heady days of Khrushchev's free market reforms.

TAKE HER TO DETROIT!

you need to have some kind of search program on your website. i am looking for an article about detriot, michigan which i know was on your website. a co-worker showed it to me and now i can not locate it. could you please help me? thank you.

~jeNn

Dear Ms. jeNn,

Because you asked for it, you got it: the eXile, after two years in search-engine-less poverty, finally installed one so that you could spend hopeless hours searching for an article we never wrote and doesn't exist. What fool in their right mind would bother writing about Detroit? You don't write about that place; you simply ignore it, and hope it goes away, like a homeless person tapping on the restaurant window at your Denny's booth while you're trying to eat a Grand Slam breakfast after spending a night dry-humping your best friend's sister. So, as you type in key words like "detroit" and "michigan" and "hell AND city" and "shithole" and still come up empty, we'll sit back, notch the hits, and make a pretty penny. Don't give up, jeNn. And, er... could you, you know... send a jpeg of your vulva?

INTELLIGENCE TEST

I won a T-shirt, really I didnt know this was a contest, Groveling just comes natually. No witty comments from me though, I have not slept for a while, plus I really need a T-shirt. Anyway, I allready was trying to find your phone number and address, I know thats supposed to be my responsibility. That is what you meant, to phone right. I'm socialy retarded, so I wasnt sure, maybe I am just suposed to e-mail, or meet you somewhere, I don't know but now that I have won a contest... And In the add it says "Call Us! Its That E-Z!!!" So I figure maybe you can give me a break and e-mail it?

Grant Crowther.

Dear Mr. Crowther,

Sorry, too late. If you can't figure out how to pick up a phone and call for one of our priceless T-shirts, you ain't worthy. Go back to step one: send us another groveling letter next issue, wait for our positive reply, then test your IQ by trying to find our telephone number. It's a tough one, we know. But we're willing to administer this test over and over, until you get it right. Because we believe in you, Grant.

WORLD WEARY

guys,

What's wrong with you again?

You've only been attracting these American self-righteous dumb asses to write to you? Oh, it's so bloody boring to read the same crap over and over and over and..

But anyway, how come?

m.p.

Dear m.p.,

Finally, a reader who isn't a self-righteous dumb ass! A reader who uses the modifier "bloody" even though he isn't English! Such a rarity, such a diamond in the world wide rough. At last, we've been understood, we've found our first truly intelligent and original reader, someone whose jaded cynicism gives us something to shoot for. Why don't we have more readers like you, m.p.? Oh, but there's no time for questioning, only time for celebrating! You've given us new hope, new life!

I WANNA BE BLACK

to [sic] of [dic]

sukas, pure sukas.. fuckin doctores.. this curse i often mutter when i encounter in the eXile another rare tiny word or slang i have never known before and would never encounter in future. it's mean using them being aware that a certain stable (though quite marginal) part of the eXile's "target audience" are for sure russian-speakin chels. in this moment you dont deserve better attitude, cause the whole understanding of the thing would certainly be watered out. i telt sukas because you, american, lift an artificial language barrier between a yankee publisher and a russian reader. sometimes you're so overzealous with using your slang or abstruse[dic] wordies tryin to look cool and impress the reader with your extraordinary versatility of minds that i cannae make a bloody word out of that mess. Stydno parny. !And !you !dinnae !even !think !oaf !teltin !me !i !shouldnae !read !your !amusin !paper !if !my !english !isn't !sufficiently !good - !i !shall, !in !any !case, !and !no !fuckin !miserable !language !barrier !would !prevent !me !from !doin !zat, !should !you !even !choose !Chineese !to !write !in. i'm absolutely serious. though frankly speakin i mysel can with a certain difficulty cope with these obstacles, my yangie brotha can not though being dead keen on reading ze eXile. and he is not alone in his longings. zera crowds... no, legions of them, potential mischievous eXilereeders, who "vidit oko, da zub neymet", i.e. ?chen silno khochet, no oblamyvaetsia". i donwant an answer sort oaf "reality bites, but that's what life is, mate", or, which is even worse, kinda base "shut up and die ya radge". hope you are liberal enough to listen to my suggestion. the way out might be quite simple. all you have to do is merely write in brackets the russian equivalents to the words, an avrge russian can only know from pertinanious[dic] and unabated[dic] webster's mining, thereby rendering substantial assistance to "intermediate" eXilereeders. Y vsio. do the first step tawards, show your truly comradely and friendly nature. It's all easy as a cucumber (stems from russian: "??? ?????? ??? ??????"). although writing to the eXile - the most ill-mannered paper in ze city - i still hope that my so called "konstruktivny" criticism rather than being done for would bring its contribution to improving and enhancing the dialogue between two peoples.

ladno, che-to poshel bred ne-detsky, nado idti v krovat', moya shokoladnaya kiska uzhe stonet. no vi, parny, vse ravno molodtsi. prodolzhayte fantazirovat' y stebatsa, liudi eto tseniat. kak-nibud' napisu eshche chent'. otdykhayte.

p.s.: words marked by "[dic]" were obtained through deep dictionary mining.

C YVAZHENIEM, ALEXANDR LEPYOKHIN

Dear G-n Lepyokhin,

We don't want to have dialogue between Russians and Americans. We just want your money and your chicks.

HELLIOT

You disgust me. How dare you take advantage of teenage Russian girls with quivering, blue-veined throbbing young breasts. These are children who need our care and instead you force them to swallow your juice and let it drip down their faces.

You should be ashamed!

Neil Elliot

Dear Mr. Elliot,

Have you had your head checked lately, you sick fucking pervert?

THE REAL DORKS

Dear Exile

I'm currently engaged in a blatant act of resume padding, along with several friends, by starting up an on-line journal, so that we can pathetically claim we've published something somewhere before school tosses us out into the world. I've been put in charge of book reviews, and The eXile publication appears in the first issue. Is there any information about current activities, legal status, test results, or other gossip you'd like to relate? Like, what the hell are Ames and Tabbi doing after leaving Moscow? Reading the book felt at times like a story about the media, modern Russia, international aid, and global capitalism, but equally it seemed like a giant soap opera about two desperate Americans, and that soap operatic quality is way more what our web site does. Nothing personal, it's just that we're mainly English majors, we like personal angst, our editor in chief watched "The Real World" avidly for years.

Any info would be greatly appreciated.

Neil Dryden

"There is no problem in the social sciences that cannot be greatly clarified through the use of animism and sympathetic magic"

Dear Mr. Dryden,

Boy, we feel better knowing now that our book's fate is in your intellectually-solid hands. That Real World angst stuff is so wistfully ironic, and that epigraph at the end still has us scratching our heads. You guys are English majors all right. Maybe some day, you'll grow up to be Moscow Times reporters!

SIC vs. SIC

Dear Dan,

(in response to sic issue #92's "Maxim Man" letter) A question for you Eastern European Socio-Economic Cleavage experts: Who has, in a fully-historical sense, gotten fucked over more, as a people... (directly and/or indirectly; by internal and/or external forces...) The Russians or The Poles? It is my thought that sheer numbers shouldn't dictate the answer to this but you unimaginative drunks will probably use statistical deaths as the determining factor...(or, all the more likely, you'll just tell me to go fuck myself and not answer my question...And I'm okay with that.)

Captain Stolichnaya,
101st Drunkateers
p.s. you response in �Spelling Champs' to Mr. Georgoff was priceless

Dear Mr. Stolichnaya,

You said "pole". Huh-huh.