Issue #20/101, October 12 - 26, 2000  

EXILE SPORTS NOTES

Lenin’s Week 7 Picks

Greetings, sports fans! If you’re like us, you’re rip-roarin’ and ready to go for week 7 of the NFL. Not because you like watching the games, of course, but because you need the money. For the eXile, betting on football has lately become our sole source of income. When we recently racked up a restaurant bill at Graf Orloff’s that was $694 more than we could pay (a staff party got out of control), we turned to Metellitsa-Sportland to bail us out. Thank God, the New England Patriots were an 8-point dog in Denver in week five. We bet $300 at 9-4 odds that the Pats would win outright against the Broncos, who they had not beaten at Mile High in 32 years. The Pats cleaned up and we paid the bill, acting as though we had the money all along. The next week, we took the Steelers to beat the Jets at the Meadowlands. Same deal: Vinny Testaverde went down with a pinched nerve in the first quarter, and we walked away with enough money to finally pay our starving Russian staff.

We’d be lost, of course, if it weren’t for our resident in-house NFL guru, coaching legend Vladimir (Red) Lenin. Red is 15-6 against the spread this year and has shown no signs of slowing down. His materialist approach to sports betting is sure to be the next great innovation in the field. He’s a little serious sometimes, but once you get to know him, he’s not such a bad guy. He even jokes around sometimes; he does this funny thing with his hands, making shadows against the wall. He can do a dog and a bird. The bird flies.

In any case, here are coach Red’s picks for the games due to be shown at Sportland this weekend, week 7 in the NF of L.

Sunday, October 15
9:00 p.m. Sportland time
Baltimore Ravens (+3.5) at Washington Redskins
The term “Redskin” is insulting to the indigenous peoples of the United States. We prefer the term “overrated home favorite.”
PICK: Ravens

9:00 Sportland Time
Atlanta Falcons (+18) at St. Louis Rams
We have yet to discover the upper limits of communism’s potential. By next week, the spreads for St. Louis may very well be higher, and we must be ready for this.
PICK: Rams

Monday, October 16
12:15 a.m. Sportland Time
Philadelphia Eagles (-3) at Arizona Cardinals
It is not capitalism which is squeezing the life out of the revolution. It is Jake Plummer’s interceptions.
PICK: Eagles

4:35 a.m. Sportland Time
Minnesota Vikings (-6) at Chicago Bears
Religion is not the opiate of the people. Opium is the opiate of the people. It is also the opiate of these imperialist Las Vegas oddsmakers, these vile charlatans, who for some reason think a team which beat Tampa Bay by seven cannot beat the Bears by more than six.
Pick: Vikings

Tuesday, October 17
5:00 a.m. Sportland time
Jacksonville Jaguars (+6) at Tennessee Titans
Capital encourages wide receivers to think only of their own receptions. But under communism, we have no need for such league-leaders as Keenan McCardell and Jimmy Smith, and instead prefer those wide receivers who think not of themselves, but of ultimate victory.
PICK: Titans

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