Issue #27/52, November 19 - December 2, 1998  

The eXile, the Subtropical Russian Party, and the Russian Party for Public Cynicism (POTs) are proud to announce the joint foundation of Bandit-Aid, an all-Russian charity concern dedicated to the elimination of hunger and misery in America. The organization came into being in the days immediately following a recent U.S. government announcement of emergency food aid to Russia, an announcement that angered many Russians but which the founders of Bandit-Aid saw quite clearly as a desperate cry for help. We at Bandit-Aid understood that the good folks in Washington would never offer unsolicited food assistance to Russia unless they actually wanted the Kremlin to return the favor. And Washington can certainly use a favor. The level of crime and corruption in the capital district has risen so sharply in recent years that many right-thinking Russians quite sensibly fear a collapse of democracy in America--and, quite possibly, a return to the protectionist monarchy of the pre-revolutionary period.

That's where Bandit-Aid comes in. We'll put needy Washingtonians in contact with those generous Russians who have something to give. We believe we can get Muscovites to donate pickles, potatoes, Belomorkanal cigarettes, Matryoshka dolls, underage girls, thermonuclear weapons, track suits, plastic bags, and Raduga television sets, as well as hundreds of liters of vodka and many tons of much-needed radioactive waste. In the process, we'll send technical aid in the form of hundreds of consultants and advisors to the American capital to help take the city out of bankruptcy and put it back on the road to meaningful democratic reform. Bandit-Aid knows that just giving aid to the United States isn't enough. We need Russians and long-term expatriates to share their knowledge and experience with Americans as well. As the saying goes: "Give a man a fish and he will eat well one night; teach him to fish and he'll eat well for a lifetime."

HOW CAN I HELP?

The first thing you can do to help is attend the Bandit-Aid "Save Washington" Fundraising Party, which will be held in the restaurant Mesto Vstrechi sometime next month. Look for an announcement in the next issue of the eXile, or listen to FM 100.9 Serebryanniy Dozhd radio, for news of exact dates and times [we are tentatively scheduled to appear on 100.9 tomorrow, Friday morning, at 9a.m.]. At the "Save Washington" party, you'll enjoy performances by some of your favorite Russian pop stars, as well as a live midget-tossing contest and a Marion Barry lookalike competition. All you need to do to enter is bring a donation to the cause. A donation can be anything you want to send to Washington--a jar of old pickles, a soggy tissue, even a pile of your own shit! Remember, no gift is too modest for District residents. Unlike you, the people of Washington live in poor, crime-ridden neighborhoods, only with minimal police protection and few of the legal safeguards you enjoy here in Russia. A lack of commitment to free-market principles has left the city's economy devastated, and its citizens almost completely dependent on the municipal budget for their survival. These people see no shame in taking handouts, so don't hesitate to give what you can. They'll be grateful, we guarantee it! Another thing you can do to help is buy the new Bandit-Aid hit single, "Kiss My Ass (Let Them Know It's Payback Time)," the star-studded rock 'n roll Christmas Carol featuring prominent Russians and expatriates. Look for the video release on television later this month.

OUR PROGRAM

Negotiations are under way between Bandit-Aid and the Municipal Government of the City of Washington D.C. to effect groundbreaking new reforms that we believe will yield long-term solutions to the city's problems. In return for the material assistance provided by Bandit-Aid, the city must agree to implement a series of measures we have proposed in our "Bring Back Washington" Structural Adjustment Plan. We ask that the city privatize its police force, streamline its budget (we call for across-the-board reductions of 30% in the municipal budget), raise taxes on the poor, eliminate all spending on social security and Aid For Families of Dependent Children, and, most importantly, open its criminal markets to Russian drug dealers and gangsters to allow for greater competition. In addition, all Washington residents shall be given the option to work as house slaves for the citizens of Russia, who shall all be issued lifetime visas and invited to work and live tax-free in the District in the subsidized homes of their choosing with naked teenage American girls under each arm. Under our program, visiting Russians will also be given unlimited free alcohol wherever it is sold in the Washington area.

We believe this program, when implemented, will restore Washington to full economic health. But we can't do it alone. We need you.

HELP AMERICA HELP ITSELF. GIVE NOW.
Support Bandit-Aid.