Issue #27/52, November 19 - December 2, 1998  

In the November 26, 1998 issue of Rolling Stone, an article appeared chronicling the ups, the downs, the virtues and vices, foibles, and zany anal-heroin fetishes of eXile editors Matt Taibbi and Mark Ames on news stands across America, leading to a slew of letters from our new American fans. We'd like to have welcomed them aboard our [sic] reader write-in section, but unfortunately, those Rolling Stone readers' letters were too well-composed, thoughtful and intelligent to qualify for our [sic] page. Luckily, local eXholes came through as always with their unique combination of dyslexic wit and Gilligan-ian pathos. Thanks guys for pulling through. This one's for you!

WORLD'S SMALLEST PENIS

Dear [Sic],
Your so-called article referring to me as the "owner of the world's smallest penis" was scandalous and libelous, and I have no intention of letting it go without comment. As you know, while you are on the edge, I am a razor. The "three ex-girlfriends" interviewed for the piece were, with the exception of Donna R., totally unknown to me, unless "Renee" is a pseudonym. I would hope that your readers would understand that no woman willing to tell a reporter intimate details of her partners' sexual habits should ever be trusted. Let's all grow up and admit that my penis is not "rail-thin and just under two inches long when erect" but considerably larger. And it is certainly not true that Donna performed oral sex on me "solely in order to pick out a nagging corn cobblet wedged tightly between her gum and lower front teeth." If you had been responsible reporters, you would have considered the possibility that I was not fully aroused in my encounters with Donna R, which may have accounted for this misunderstanding.

Sincerely,
Wendell Solomons

Dear Wendell,
The eXile stands by its story.

KISS MY ESQ

Readers will recall the scandal from last issue when a certain "Esq." bullied a special friend of the eXile, Mr. S.B. Karki of Fanza's Chinese Restaurant, for not comping him a free drink after a simple exchange rate mix-up. We probably should have just never told Mr. Karki, because now, going by his native Indian philosophy that "a guest of mine is a God," has made the best amends he could with Esq. by delivering $200 worth of charity to the Center for Humanitarian Aid on Bolshaya Ordynka Ul., dom 80/2. Below is Mr. Karki's plea for Esq. to forgive him, and to show this forgiveness by letting bygones be bygones and popping in for a friendly, freshly-cooked meal of Moscow's finest Chinese food. Also, we've scanned in the stamped fax from the Tsentr Blagotvoritelnoi Pomoschi showing receipt of the goods.

Dear Editor,
Let me take the opportunity to explain you that when I started my career in Hotel Industry, my Hotel Instructor tought me the first lesson that "Atithi deivo bhawati". This word taken from our Hindu mythology "Veda" it means "guest is god" to keep Esq. happy, I am sending food stuff to Center for Humanitarian Aid Ms. Julia MacDonalds.

I hope Esq. will understand us. "Fanza" shall still wait for his visit.

Thanking you.
Sincerely Yours.
S.B. Karki
Restaurant "Fanz

Jeez, Esq., look into your heart! Even a double-secret l.l.m. pit bull like y'rself has got to show a little human compassion. We suggest you let go of your hard-boiled front, take your special girl (or lady friend) down to Fanza, shake Mr. Karki's hand, and tell him that all's forgiven. Heck, in this global village, folks, we all have to get along with each other, or god knows what kind of madness we'll face!

lower-case [sic]-ophant

strange enough but havent you notice the weird desire of the "i'm-the-only-honest-jerk-here" politics to blame other, hiding under the frocks of "look-bill-has-f**ked-monica" journalists. hey are you afraid, poli-suckers? why cant they just look the people they accuse in the face and be "cool" enough to bear a glass of orange juice thrown at them? why cant they present "$500,000-in-a-xerox-box" facts, that will really-really make the bad boys sorry and ashamed? i've been dwelling upon this for quite a time but no more or less reasonable answer is willing to fill the empty space and fit any logical theory on common sense. could any(living)body or at least any "i'm-not-yet-rotten" corpse of the X-pats help me make head or tail of the fact? if "lets talk it over outside" is the most "connu" russian way of settling the matters then maybe the poli-suckers are all J... oops, sorry... god chosen people? if this is to be proved positive then i withdraw my claims and leave this country. it's not that i'm an "antisemit" i just don't want to live in israel for any time a banc blows up they look for terrorists and not for the reasons it didn't work.

chiao, bambino, sorry,
passionately yours,
mara

p.s. it would be rather nice of you if you leave a "world crisis tour" t-shirt for me specially 'cos "i love you guys!!!!!!!!!! [etc.]? isn't that cute?

Dear Mara,
Your whole "stream-of-vapid-consciousness-by-way-of-e.e.-cummings" thing made absolutely no sense to us at all, and if it wasn't for the fact that you told us you loved us, we'd probably tell you to go stick a box of Jalapeno flavored Pringles chips up your ass. But since you love us and all, we were sorta hoping that maybe you'd stick a box of Pringles Sour Cream 'N Onion chips up OUR asses. If you want that t-shirt, you're gonna have to work for it, lower-case-mara. So pop on by the office with a case of Pringles and a couple of bottles of champagne, and let's get to know each other!

FRUSTRATED LYNN LAYS SELF BARE-Y

[sic],
Hehe...2 minute rebuttal guys.

[Here he quotes last Saturday's Moscow Times]:
Finding Love Here Is Still Easier Than ... an IMF Loan
By Lynn Berry Staff Writer

"We all know the stereotype of the single expatriate woman in Moscow: smart, attractive and home alone on Saturday nights watching videos, while the expatriate men are having fun with young Russian beauties who throw themselves at their feet.

"Well, guess what? It's wrong. [...] Most say the stereotype is absurd. One suggested it was the creation of the newspaper the eXile with its crude insinuations 'that expat women aren't getting any.'"

Tom Lubeck

Dear Mr. Lubeck
Thanks for bringing this scurrilous, slanderous article to our attention. Let's set the record straight here, shall we? First, the eXile never crudely "insinuated", as Ms. Berry put it, that expat women don't get laid; rather, we stated as clearly and as often as possible that expat women don't get laid, and we stake our hard-won reps as the Woodward and Bernstein of our generation on that fact [see Rolling Stone, issue 800, November 28th, 1998]. Secondly, the quote Berry refers to is placed out of context. In fact, we never wrote that "expat women aren't getting any," but rather we wrote, "Expat women aren't getting any dick." That crucial addition of the word "dick" to "not getting any" changes everything, for without it, we could be talking about anything. For example, we could have wrote, "Expat women aren't getting any Ben & Jerry's Double Monkey Fudge," which, although painfully true, is nonetheless misrepresentative of what we're about. Our whole point was that "Expat women aren't getting any dick." Finally, for your information Tom, Lynn Berry, whom sources describe as a 40-something American woman with anger lines who works night shifts under charm-machine boss Geoff Winestock, is said to actually keep a fresh copy of the eXile in her Evroremont bathroom at all times. Close sources tell us that she rarely leaves the toilet without reading the paper from cover to cover in a single sitting, and that it isn't uncommon to hear peals of laughter and squeals of joy echoing in the Berry bathroom every other Thursday.

Anyway, all this is neither here nor there, because what we're most interested now is how our gay readership is doing. Guys 'n Butches, write us and tell us your stories, will ya?! We're all on the same team now!