Issue #06/61, March 25 - April 7, 1999  

Are you female, foreign, or just plain stupid? Have you had a hard time penetrating the glass ceiling because your boss keeps asking you to "step up" and "stick one in the five-hole", despite the fact that you clearly have no idea what he's talking about? Worry no more. Stamped with the pus-and-clotting-agent-stained seal of approval by Burt, the eXile's syphilitic prognosticating dead sports monkey, here is part II (see part I here) of our guide to American sports cliches. With the help of this glossary, even a gay German synthesizer player in a black ribbed turtleneck can learn to speak fluent American English after a short period of study. So read on, stick to what you've worked on in practice, stay away from those off-field distractions, and hopefully, the Good Lord willing, some positive things will start happening out there for you-if you know what we mean. If you don't, here are a few clues...

In the zone--1. Describing the athlete in the midst of a transcendental sports experience. Originally a basketball term, the phrase he's in the zone describes the player who has departed the imperfect material world and arrived in an alternate reality where he is no longer fallible, i.e. he hits every shot he takes, even the dumb ones. The tennis player in the zone nails every first serve and hits passing shot after passing shot right past his exasperated opponent that land a half-centimeter in bounds; the football quarterback in the zone might complete nine straight passes; the baseball pitcher in the zone takes the mound in a trancelike state and strikes out eight of his first ten batters en route to a shutout victory before heading home, where he is quickly arrested for domestic battery and public mayhem after police are called in to break up a mysterious altercation with his wife, an incident he will later recall as being "like I was watching myself in a movie." As a common figure of speech, in the zone describes anyone in the midst of a prolonged and generally self-indulgent transcendental experience.

In other news today, Anatoly Chubais evaded prosecution on sixteen separate counts of corruption, bribery, and embezzlement and kept his job amidst a spate of firings of high-level MinFin officials. "I was in the zone," he told reporters.

Long--1. Powerful. A golf term, describing a player who hits the ball with power and for long distances. This course tends to favor players like Woods and Duval, who might be a little longer than the rest of the field. Along with the total package and he's got all the tools out there, one of the most unabashedly phallic expressions in sports language. Among Moscow mobsters, Zakhar Gimbrailov might be a little longer than the rest and should have an advantage on the par 5's.

Pull the goalie--1. A last-ditch, desperate measure. In hockey, a team may at any time remove its goaltender from the ice and replace him with another offensive player, thereby infinitesimally increasing its chances of scoring, while also hugely increasing its chances of giving up a goal in its unguarded net (incidentally called an empty-net goal, itself a metaphor for tainted statistical accomplishment). Used as an overtly desperate last resort by teams that are trailing by one goal in the last minute of the game. Trailing 4-3 with :58 seconds remaining, the Bruins are going to pull their goaltender. See also HAIL MARY.

Hitler pulled his goalie in the last stages of the war, slowing supplies to the front and pouring all his funding into research for a super-weapon.

Shaq-Fu--1.Fighting skills. The martial arts style which leaves your opponent feeling like he's been stomped by a seven-foot, 300-pound black NBA center, i.e. Shaquille O'Neal, who thought up the self-referential phrase and once threatened his opponents with it. Used in place of "Kung-Fu" whenever possible. After the war, Stalin laid some serious Shaq-Fu on politicals, "cosmopolitans" and southern minorities.

Step Up--1. Carpe Diem, or else; to fulfill expectations on demand. Somebody's got to step up is the sportscaster's way of calling for someone to "elevate his game" (i.e. play better) or "turn it up a notch" (i.e. play better) or "make something happen out there" (i.e. play better) or "start coming up with some answers" (i.e. play better) to come to his team's rescue. In any game in any sport in which the home team is in danger of losing, there is an inevitable exchange between the local play-by-play man and the color commentator:

Play-by-play man: 6:43 to go in the third, T-Wolves now down by 11 after the trey by Chapman...

Color Commentator: This is a huge possession, Brent. Somebody's got to step up here for the Wolves...

Players with huge contracts, particularly players with contracts greater in size than the net worth of the team he plays for, are reminded as often as possible by sportscasters of their obligation-- to the fans and to the team's manic, leveraged-to-his-eyeballs bald owner-- to step up:

The Lakers are down by 8 entering the fourth quarter-Shaq's got to step up here, Marv. You don't get $120 million to lay bricks in the playoffs...

Term also used appropriately in business and political jargon. Lebed better step up in Krasnoyarsk or he'll be doing the rope dance in an aluminum plant before the end of the year.

Slam Dunk--1. A sure thing. From the basketball term. As a figure of speech, used primarily to describe criminal court cases in which the prosecutor has more than enough evidence to convict. This case is a slam dunk. By extension, the term can also now be used to describe any "sure thing". Kiriyenko's nomination is a slam dunk...every deputy has a new dacha and has promised to vote the right way in the third round.

Vajpayee takes India to the next nuke level

The next level--1. The class above. Non-championship-caliber teams--i.e., teams which know at the beginning of the season that they lack the talent to win the championship--are constantly seeking to acquire the player who can take us to the next level, i.e. unite them with that distinct group of teams above them which also have no chance to win the championship, but, having less obvious weaknesses, can smugly pretend otherwise for a significantly longer period into the season. Conversely, fans and sportswriters often disparage new players by saying, He may be a good player, but he can't take us to the next level.

India's leaders say they believe a new IMF loan and the acquisition of nuclear weapons can take their country to the next level.

"He's saying all the right things"--1. Successfully suppressing nonconformist tendencies. Espousing devotion to team and indifference to personal accolades. Penitently promising not to ever again physically attack spectators, cameramen, coaches or referees, no matter how (respectively) racist and abusive, hugely fat and in the way, totally responsible for your apparent incompetence as your team repeatedly and unnecessarily loses, or blind and flat-out wrong they may be. Expressing a desire to spend more time with family and to avoid off-field distractions and the wrong crowd. In victory, praising with a smile the losing opponent who has just minutes earlier elbowed you in the testicles, saying of his team: "You've really got to give them credit. They played hard out there." Although his country pissed away IMF credits in the past, Yevgeny Primakov has been saying all the right things during the latest loan negotiations.

The Wrong Crowd--1. Anyone with drugs. In my rookie year I had a lot of trouble adjusting to all the money, and I was hanging out with the wrong crowd.

Women (n.) --1. Off-field distractions. In his rookie year, he had trouble dealing with all the off-field distractions.

Upside--1. i.e. Undeveloped potential. Ratcliff is inconsistent, but has a big upside and could turn into a great shot-blocker. Usually "big" or "tremendous". Russia is an economic disaster area right now, but it has a tremendous upside, particularly in raw material reserves.

Got the roll--1. From the basketball term, meaning to take a shot that doesn't fall in right away but lands on the rim; if it falls in, players say they got the roll; if it doesn't, they say I didn't get the roll. Ultimate result tacitly attributed to a higher power who apparently has nothing better to do other than push balls in and out of baskets, making the roll a sort of tiny, almost incidental divine blessing. In the latest cabinet reshuffle, Bordyuzha didn't get the roll.

Two--1. Deuce. Used whenever possible in place of the standard English number. Simmons hit for a thirty-deuce against Xavier. (Simmons scored thirty-two). See THREE.

Boris Nikolayevich, I think we should leak the Skuratov tape on the deuce (RTR).

Three--Trey. Also used to describe a three-point shot in basketball, i.e. I canned a trey with 2.4 seconds left. Like deuce, used as often as possible in place of the usual English. That cop tried to bring me in, but I smoked him with my trey-eight.

The big dance--1. The NCAA basketball tournament, or any other occupational Mecca. Even after the Reichstag fire, Hitler was six years away from the big dance.

The total package--1. The athlete who's got everything-speed, power, grace, fan appeal, and a strong instinct for social conformity (see SAYING ALL THE RIGHT THINGS). A bundle of as-yet-unrealized potential. That linebacker out of TCU is the total package. He's hospitalized six running backs this season alone. Also useful in describing non-athletes:

Boris Berezovsky-- the total oligarchical package.

Posterize--1. To make someone the victim of a great play, full-color photographs of which are subsequently made into posters and distributed all over the world. Brought into vogue by Michael Jordan, whose defenders often complained of being shown humiliated, beaten and dunked upon in posters everywhere. Sergei Dubinin has long been known as a canny political operator, but he was utterly posterized by the Vavilov forces in the MiG scandal.