Issue #04/59, February 25 - March 10, 1999  

Like our own prognosticating chimpanzee Burt himself, the sporting world is kind of dead right now. Spring training is underway, but really, does anyone care about baseball? The NBA is on again, but is there really anyone out there who's more interested in the games than they would be in seeing all of those overpriced mutants reduced to abject poverty and standing in line in soup kitchens? And tennis? Is any sport where Hershey Cola-selling Yevgeny Kafelnikov is the only up-and-coming talent on the horizon worth even thinking about, much less watching? The answers are no, no, and no. This is a fallow period, folks, and so the eXile, rather than try to con you into being interested in what's going on in the sports world, will help you

Ray Charles: "Has great leaping ability!"

brush up on your sports-watching skills for when the real action begins. And what that means, first and foremost, is learning a mastery of sports cliches. Listed below is but the first installment in a regular series of dictionary entries to help women, foreigners, and other lesser beings open up to the wonderful world of American sports cliches, which just might be the most pervasive new movement in the evolution of the American dialect. So lie back, grab a notebook, and start making some plays out there...

A cup of coffee--1. A brief stay. Baseball term describing a player who comes up for the minor leagues for a brief turn with a major league team, i.e. Woods had a cup of coffee with the Expos in 1992. Usable in any professional context. That's Ivanov. He had a cup of coffee with MFK last year before he got laid off.

Black--1. "Has that great athletic ability" 2. "Has that great leaping ability." 3. "Possesses all the tools" 4. "Plagued by character questions" Orlando Woolridge has all the tools out there, but he remains an inconsistent performer. See also GOOD SPEED ON THE BASEPATHS.

Carry a Clipboard--1. To be a second banana, as in a headset-wearing, clipboard-carrying backup quarterback to the starter. Gore spent eight long years carrying a clipboard for Clinton before the 2000 elections.

Drop the ball-- 1. To screw up. I'm sorry, Sergei, I forgot to wipe the prints off the gun--I dropped the ball on that one.

Fight--1. "A little extracurricular activity". Looks like they're separating Zhirinovsky and Nemtsov on the set--there was a little extracurricular activity out there.

Flag on the play--1. Indicating a transgression detected. I thought I was going to score with that blonde, but there was a flag on the play. Turns out I had my schlong hanging out the entire time.

Follow your blockers--1. To receive advice, to trust in your advisors. We've got this campaign under control. Just read the speeches we give you and you'll lock this thing up. Follow your blockers out there.

Get a lot of carries--1. To be given an opportunity to perform. From football, where running backs are given "carries", i.e. chances to run with the ball. You know, Boris Nikolayevich, that new Bordyuzha guy looked pretty good on Itogi last night--let's try to get him some more carries in the future.

Get by with breaking stuff--1. To persevere and succeed despite serious impairment, as in a pitcher whose arm is too tired to throw effective fastballs, and must rely on curves and off-speed pitches. To be forced to rely on trickery and cunning, smoke and mirrors. The opposite of "Having that good fastball out there". Look, we don't have any evidence, so we're just going to have to win this case with breaking stuff.

"That's it for the starter...and here comes the right-hander!"

He's got that good fastball today--1. In top form; sharp. This is going to be a tough press conference for the President today--he better hope he has his good fastball out there.

He has that good speed on the basepaths--1. Fast on the basepaths. Fast everywhere else. Jackson, a former Big Ten track star, has that good speed on the basepaths out there. See REDUNDANT.

Here comes the right-hander! -1. (Exclamation) Signifying the arrival of the savior, as in a reliever from the bullpen. (As Christ exits cave on the third day) Here comes the right-hander!

Hit the holes they make for you--1. To take what you can get. She's not the prettiest girl in the world, but she's the only one left at the Hungry Duck. You've got to hit the holes they make for you.

Intangibles--1. That je ne sais quoi; the qualities a player possesses which cannot be measured quantitatively, i.e. his effect on team morale, his ability to perform in crucial situations, his ability to "make his teammates better", his fan or sex appeal. Always either possessed or lacking. The opposite of NUMBERS. Limonov may not put up the best numbers, but he still possesses those great intangibles.

Journeyman--1. Any player who changes teams often; an unremarkable performer, a hole-filler, a human stopgap. Primarily a basketball and baseball term. The Pistons acquired journeyman center James Edwards. Sports journeymen: Ed Pinckney, Rick Waits, Doug Williams. Real-life journeymen: Richard Gephardt, John Major, Andy Summers, Dan Ackroyd, Ivan Rybkin, Judge Reinhold, E.L. Doctorow.

Money--1. What it's not about. It's not about the money is appropriate in any situation calling for a falsely self-deprecating comment in the face of material success. For me, it's not about the money. I just like being a shit-upon miner for Rosugolprom.

Move-the-Chains--1. Gradual, steady, reliable, not ostentatious, as in one who goes for first downs (which are marked by the movement of ten-yard chains) rather than for touchdown passes. He's a real move-the-chains politician. Real-life move-the-chains types: Ernest Hemingway, Leonid Brezhnev, John Calvin; ants, cancer, continental plates.

Player to be named later--1. Usually the third and less important part of a player trade between teams, i.e. a player whose identity has not been decided upon, or whose name neither team feels ready to disclose to the press. Often a minor leaguer, a fat middle relief pitcher, or a slow-moving reserve 7-foot white center. In exchange for Ainge, the Celtics received journeyman forward Ed Pinckney, cash, and a player to be named later. An oft-cited cliche of modern American speech, usable in virtually any situation. For the night he spent with Natasha, Ames got a hangover, bite marks, and a venereal disease to be named later.

Proletariat--1. The cheap seats. In American sports arenas, the place where the working classes sit; hence the term. Primakov can expect some boos from the cheap seats if he cuts social spending.

Redundant--1. Not redundant. In sportscasterese the unnecessary extra modifier is usually a stylistic plus, as in, That's a good golf shot. See also NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS.

Anatoly Chubais: Lacks that natural moral ability, but is a heady player and good in the mental aspect of the game.

Simple-- 1. On the fairway, i.e. on the obvious, logical route to satisfactory performance. From the golf term, meaning to keep the ball on the smooth path en route to the hole. Boris Nikolayevich, don't try to say anything too complicated in this press conference. Just keep it on the fairway. See also DON'T TRY TO DO TOO MUCH OUT THERE, STAY WITHIN YOURSELF, and YOU CAN'T HIT A SIX-RUN HOMER.

Sneaky-Fast--1. Not as slow as he almost always seems. See WHITE.

The running game--1. Generally established, although to get the running game going and stick to the running game are also acceptable. The ground game may also be used in certain circumstances. A football term describing gradual offensive movement toward the goal on the ground, as opposed to sporadic movement through the air. The more desirable, more reassuring mode of offensive play. Establishing the running game means having the ability to make regular mortgage payments every week, as opposed to in frantic lump sums; it means putting money into annuities rather than lottery tickets; it means starting with Bartleby the Scrivener and Billy Budd rather than going for Moby Dick right off the bat. Russia doesn't have any foreign investment coming in. It really needs to get the running game going domestically. See also MOVE THE CHAINS.

White--1. "Possesses good intangibles" 2. A "heady player" 3. "He doesn't have a lot of natural ability" 4. "He shows a lot of hustle out there" 5. "Good in the mental aspect of the game" 6. "Won't turn the ball over" 7. "Runs good routes" 8. "Very coachable." Kyle Macy is the kind of player coaches love--he doesn't have a lot of natural ability, but he's heady and good in the mental aspect of the game.

Young--1. "Has that youthful inexperience." Kiriyenko's got that youthful inexperience out there. See REDUNDANT.