the eXile - The Virtual Voyeur

#17 | September 11 - 24, 1997

In This Issue

by Cy Borg

Deadpools

Considering that it was supposed to be Moscow's big birthday weekend, it seems that all anyone talked about was death. Princess Diana, Mother Theresa, and even Mobuto Sesse Seko. Death was definitely working overtime last week.

In fact, except for paparazzi photographers, everyone was busy last week: The Grim Reaper, florists, priests, grave diggers, and even the dead pool maintenance crews. The what?

Dead pools are a sick little invention of, presumably, the twentieth century. And as we learned last time: if it's sick, then you can find it on the net. Dead pools are basically a way of wagering on what celebrities are going to die this year. Some involve a cash prize for the most accurate clairvoyant, while others award only the honor of the victory and a chance to come back to compete in round two. As you will see, there are a number of different dead pools on the net, so you need not compete in a category where you may have no expertise-such as sports-or you can enter several and win big time.

The cool thing about dead pools on the net is that they are a great illustration of the type of electronic democracy that the net strives to achieve. Basically anyone with a computer and cost effective Internet connection can play.

Each dead pool has its own rules and, like any web site, the quality of the game is directly proportionate to the effort put into it by its editor. Some are oriented on entertainment celebs, while others are focused on politicians and other sorts. One thing that most dead pools have in common is that few, if any, points are awarded for the obviously dead. For example, Princess Diana was probably the dead pool equivalent to a triple word score using difficult consonants, whereas Mother Theresa and Mobuto probably didn't garner any serious points because they already had, as they say, one foot in the grave.

The Death News: 1997 Dead Pool Page is very inviting with its rotating skulls and flashy lightning bolts. Here you'll find a couple of dozen Top 10 lists of people who should die during 1997. If you cross-reference these lists, you'll see that many of them are banking on the same bunch of drop-deads. Some of this year's most eligible corpses are Boris Yeltsin (who wasn't looking so good a couple of months ago), The Queen Mother (who will have a Royal funeral, but less mourners, when the time comes-stay tuned), Ronald Reagan (should be any day now) and Frank Sinatra (who would probably put you on his list if he found out that you put him on yours). Other speculations include Mohammed Ali, Oksana Baiul, Boxcar Willy, Saddam Hussein and James Earl Ray. A corollary to this site is the Dead People Server, providing a convenient alphabetical listing of the "life status" of a long list of famous people and attempts to answer the burning question: "Is he dead yet?" You can even submit your own candidates for inclusion on the master list. Be prepared to supply some details about whoever you chose to list.

The Lee Atwater Invitational Dead Pool caused my browser to crash several times, but the opening page looks very promising. Someone please tell me what's there.

A site simply called The Dead Pool posts the following message on its home page: "As a mark of respect to Diana, Princess of Wales, I have decided to put an end to the Dead Pool. Thanks to everyone who took the time to take part, however, I felt that under the circumstances, this was the best course of action." Now this is what I call really wussing out. I mean, to call yourself "The Dead Pool" and then politely bow out because you are afraid that people might think that what you are doing might be considered bad taste. Who are you fooling? What are you afraid of? Of course it's bad taste! That's why you should continue doing it! I think that this guy deserves a big Moscow spamming. So let's do it! Tell this guy that he's a spineless puss for bowing to the collective conscience in a way that would make even Durkheim nauseous! He's a borg of the worst kind. And, by the way, no relation. So, send your spam to: phantom@theopera.u-net.com (and send a copy to cyborg@matrix.ru so I can report on our progress) and let him know that he best not show his little prissy face in this town if he knows what's good for him.

The [David Sugarman] Dead Pool is a classic-a site for real players. David claims that he's been running his dead pool for years and that he coined the term from the Dirty Harry movie of the same name. David seems to have lapsed in maintaining his site for the past few months. Perhaps events of recent days will get him back on track. In the past, it seems, David asked for no entrance fee and even offered his own babki as prize money. The big winners in David's 1996 competition all won with four points, correctly predicting the passing of the likes of George Burns, Ella Fitzgerald, Francois Mitterand, Timothy Leary, Andreas Papandreou, and others. All one-footers, in my opinion.

The 1997 Way-land Dead Pool approaches death with an entirely different set of rules. In this case, members of your list don't have to be famous (and in many cases are prohibited from being infamous). It seems that the object of the game here is to put together a team of soon-to-be-dead people. The moderator officiates the lists and team members can be traded. Under this scheme a soon-to-be-dead person can only play on one team at one time (like in the major leagues), but can be traded if someone is buying. The rules for this site include the following gems: "You may list yourself. But remember, your obituary must appear in at least two national or international publications" and "Since the Lone Star State juices 15-20 people a year, a team consisting solely of Texas death row inmates would already have this pool locked-up. So, on the grounds that it just isn't sporting, Texas death row inmates are ineligible, as are all people currently awaiting government sponsored executions." Currently there are only five teams listed with two teams tied for first place. By reviewing team rosters, you can see what "kills" they have made, and who are the current members of the team. A nice touch here is that by clicking on a team member's name, you can read the players profile. These profiles contain each player's photo and a brief biography that reads like an obituary waiting for a date to be plugged in.

Celebrity Death Pool works on the one-celebrity-at-a-time principle. A new round starts as soon as someone famous dies. This is rather inconvenient and tricky, to say the least. If you're betting on, say, O.J. Simpson, then you have to enter him each time someone famous kicks the bucket. A celebrity death reminder service might enhance this site and bring visitors back more often. The rules of this web site indicate that you should use common sense in order to come up with your selection-"the old, the feeble, the overweight, the addicted"-they're all good candidates. The prize for correctly guessing the next dead celebrity is "15 minutes of fame on our WINNERS page and some really bad karma."

Why not try A Date With Charon Dead Pool? This is a nice professional site that makes you want to return often to check your progress. Unfortunately, it's too late to sign up for the 1997 tournament. The closing date was April 15th because nothing goes together better than death and taxes. Players compile lists of six famous ill-fated individuals and receive five points for each correct prediction. An additional three points is awarded if you can predict the means of death as well. There is also a provision for wildcards. But according to the official rules "you may not in any way, either directly or indirectly, influence or cause the demise of any personality named in, or associated with, this pool. This will result in your immediate disqualification." The rules also indicate that Salman Rushdie is not a valid choice for any list owing to the "death sentence" clause. Lastly, "Elvis is dead! Get used to it. Don't put him on your list!"

Now that we more or less know the public's opinion on who is going to die in Hollywood, we might want to consider creating our own local list. Let's face it, Moscow has tons of celebrities of varying nationalities and professions. Last year in Living Here, editor Mark Ames published a list that would have come up double-eggs had not Bulat Okudzhava's heart valve exploded like a brand new Moskvich.

If Cy were a betting man, I would cull my list directly from the pages of the eXile starting with that little box at the bottom of page two and then proceeding to extract names from some of the articles. Who would you put on your list?