the eXile - The Virtual Voyeur

#7 | May 8 - 22, 1997

In This Issue

Spring Break

by Cy Borg

At long last, spring has arrived! And that can only mean one thing: it's time haul your PC out onto the balcon, mix up a pitcher of Rob Roys, slip on a pair of this years coolest shades (don't forget to peel off the sticker) and fasten your seat belt as the virtual voyeur drags and drops you on a virtual voyage through some of the Internet's less travelled roads.

This weeks voyage takes us, appropriately enough, on a tour of spring. I know. I know. On the surface it's not very exciting: birds, bees, butterflies, trees, pukh. But just to show you that this won't be another one of those Internet columns, we'll start with everyone's favourite spring: the Slinky. Its slinky, its slinky, its fun, its a wonderful toy. Its slinky, its slinky, its fun for a girl or a boy.

If you have not yet been there (and I'm sure you haven't), be sure to check out The Slinky Homepage". Here you will find everything you ever wanted to know about our springy little childhood friends including this interesting Slink-it-y fact:
"In Vietnam, U.S. soldiers threw Slinkys into trees to act as makeshift radio antennas." You'll also find sound files containing the original slinky jingle and comparisons of different metal slinkys walking down stairs. And if that doesn't grab you, then read about how the X-Files' Scully vamps Mulder by buying him a slinky. And if you're still not impressed, then check out their Slink-it-y Links and find out how you can win a free slinky, where you can buy the executive gold slinky, how to make cool noises with your slinky, and what's happening on the slinky physics page. I kid you not.

Spring means spring training, and if you just can't wait till the boys of summer arrive, the you must visit Major League Baseball Spring Training. An excellent site with everything you could want to know about the Cactus League (Arizona) and the Grapefruit League (Florida) events, schedules, players and stats. Great graphics, continuous updates, daily scores and easy access to the full MLBB site. Baseball fans should bookmark this one.

If its spring, it must be Springsteen! Now you don't have to go to New Jersey (and who really wants to anyway) to get to know The Boss. This is an exceptional site compiled by some pretty obsessive fans. Here you'll find the albums, the interviews, set lists, sound clips, photos and links to other bastions of Bruceness. This site is a good illustration of what can happen when someone who's not playing with a full deck learns something about the Internet. But there's more ... A search for Bruce at Yahoo yields a wide variety of Springsteen fan clubs and web sites including Swedish, Italian and Belgian sites. Other B.S. sites that you might want to check out include: Todd's Bruce Sprinsteen Page, The Official Sony Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band Page, and The Promissed Land which features a list of something called "BruceLegs." Be sure to ask for a side of blue cheese.

If I had a poltenik for every Springfield on the map, I'd probably be a ruble millionaire! There's a Springfield, Missouri, a Springfield, Illinois, a Springfield, Massachusetts, and a Springfield Ohio ... to name a few. There are West Springfields, East Springfields, as well as North and South. But no Springfield is probably as famous world wide as Springfield, USA - home to that beloved cartoon family with the funny haircuts and the perfect German, the Simpsons.

Springfield: Home to the Simpsons is like eye candy with its floating clouds and endless Simpsons pictures. Unfortunately, its still very much under construction. The "Town" page features a great group picture of practically everyone in Springfield, and you can click on each one and learn just who they are (if its wasn't still under heavy construction). 77 Simpsons Extravaganza is by far the most complete Springfield site including a picture gallery, trivia, character rankings, movies, couch openings, chalkboard writings, a mailing list, and Simpsons web chat. Really, who has this kind of time?! Look for famous quotes including: "When I find you I'm gonna rip your eyeballs out and shove them down your pants so you can watch me kick the crap out of you!" This site is definitely "Okali Dokali." For those who want their Simpsons in Portuguese, check out Cunha's Springfield Page. I didn't understand a word of it, but, just like the German version, I know its probably funny.

If your interested in Spring Fashion Collections, then pour yourself another Rob Roy and point your browser to Firstview Collections Online for the Spring Ô97 Women's Ready To Wear collections from Paris, New York, Milan and London.

There's a Hot Springs, Arkansas, and they have a web site: Hot Springs National Park. Hot Spring Spas is an online guide to buying portable spas (a.k.a Hot Tubs) and stoically advises us that it is "possible to escape from the complexities of life and the stress of day-to-day activities into warm, soothing waters coupled with invigorating massages." And I thought the Duck's 5-4-3-2-1 countdown was the key! The Definitive Guides to Hot Springs is a good example of a worthless web site. Here you'll find an advertisement for their Guides to Hot Springs and Hot Pools and an order form. No free information here. Don't they get it? This is the Internet. Its give and take. Do everyone a favor and skip this one altogether.

If you feel like you need to repent, but you're just too lazy to leave home, surf on over to All Saints Church Spring Park where you can do virtual penitence and e-mail your confession. Be sure to remove your name from your browser setup if you want to remain anonymous. The Flowing Spring has the right idea! They describe themselves as "a friendly country pub on the Henley Road, near to Reading in Berkshire." And their site is "intended to keep you informed of what's happening, what's to eat and most importantly what's to drink there, with the hope that you'll pay us a visit one day." Bravo! The Internet is, at this stage, best for helping people to find you. Its not about selling ... not yet. The Flowing Spring features an online guide to Fuller's Beers for which they send their "apologies to any Americans or Australians who may have found this page by accident. All the beers featured here are served warm, and not fizzy." Be sure to e-mail them and ask them how they serve their Rob Roy!

If you're looking for a dry, but attractive web site, check out Engineered Spring Products with their notable slogan "Solving Problems - Not Causing Them." These guys sell springs! What could be more exciting! According to their own literature, they "stock the old standby materials 302, 316 and 17-7 Stainless Steel, Music Wire, Chrome Silicon Brass and Beryllium Cooper." Sound like the contents of that cabinet above my toilet that my khozaika told me not to bother with.

Having trouble finding a nice yulochka? Then you must swing by the Spring Hill Christmas Tree Farm featuring Oregon grown Christmas trees by mail order. A Noble Fir will run you $79 and a Douglas is just $69. Shipping is just $10 and you must order by December 7th. I dare someone to order one! Yulki polki!

And what virtual tour of spring would be complete without a visit to Spring Break '97. This is a fun one. Just what you'd expect from spring break: lots and lots of sun, booze and flesh without the hassle of cops, vomit or crabs (hard shells, I mean). This sight covers all of the major happenings: Daytona Beach, South Padre Island, Lake Havasu, Ft. Lauderdale, Key West and more. There's so much fun going on at this site that you'll probably book now for next year. Useful information to be found includes locations of major speed traps, other spring break links, travel information for booking package deals, a section called "guys check this out, " a section called "gals check this out," and a pick-up lines contest.

That pretty much covers spring on the net. Maybe next week the editors will give us something a little more interesting to work with.