[sic] Letters From [sic] Readers

[sic] / July 16, 2008

By Tony Snow

It’s been only two days, and already we’ve received dozens of shamelessly fawning letters from readers around the world. For this inaugural [sic], we’ve invited media celebrity Tony Snow to answer your letters with his special wit and charm.

SNOWED UNDER

Dear eXiled,

Just saw the new site, happy to have you guys back. Outta curiosity, with your sights now fixed on the US again, is the Exile planning on doing any coverage of the DNC or RNC this year?

KSE

Dear Mr. KSE,

Tony Snow replies, “You bet your bottom dollar I’ll be at the RNC convention this year! Why, I’ll be there with bells on! Just as soon as I can open up this box I’m in…damn, this door is heavy! Jeez, I wonder how I got here? Heh-heh. Hold on a sec, I just gotta get this thing…grrr-Damn! Gosh, it’s really heavy. No, I mean REALLY heavy. Kinda smells in here too. Okay, just gonna give this box door one more big push… Come on, you can do it Tony, you’re a fighter dammnit…you’re a winner and you never give up!…grrrrrr! Ouch! Sheesh! Someone really sealed this thing tightly. Must have been sleep walking again. Well, I guess I’ll have to ask my fans out there to lend me a hand. Hey, can someone, preferably a patriotic Republican, give me a hand here? Hello? Come on people, I don’t have all day here. Let’s go people, hop to it! Chop-chop! I’m a busy man, as I’m sure you all are, so let’s get me out of the box so that I can get to work. I want to go to the TV studio and defend Phil Gramm. From what I hear, the liberal media is trying to paint my friend Phil Gramm’s comments about the ‘mental recession’ as some kind of callous statement. But let me tell you, the man was right. I mean, I never felt any recession. All the liberals out there who just want to whine and take government handouts can’t handle the truth, and that’s what Phil gave them: the cold hard truth. Like when I said once that Guantanamo, and I quote, ‘may be the most humane prisoner-of-war facility in history,’ I was telling the truth, because I know from personal experience how wonderful Guantanamo is. So: hard truth, and positive attitude. You always have to have a positive attitude, I always say, even if you feel weak and tired, as I have been feeling lately. So stop being a nation of whiners, America, and get me the hell out of this box, okay? Damn, it really stinks in here, it’s like an illegal immigrant was sleeping in here before me. Really, someone help me get out of this box, or I’ll be late for work. And Tony Snow is never–I repeat NEVER—late for work. I’d rather die than be late! Seriously, no, I mean that. So goddamnit to hell, open this fucking box! You hear me? HEYYY!!!!! No response. Damn, yelling at subordinates or unknown strangers has always worked for me, Tony Snow, but nothing’s happening. When Tony Snow yells, people jump. Something’s not right here. What’s going on? Hello? If anyone is out there, and you have a crowbar or an ax…or a fucking stick of dynamite—then use it and get me the fuck out of this box! Please? Seriously, people. Oh God, oh God… Don’t be scared, Tony. Be strong, you’ve overcome obstacles before. Heck, you even had a life-threatening disease once, so being stuck in a box can’t be all that bad. It’s very dark in here, and it really smells like an illegal immigrant, or how I imagine an illegal immigrant would smell. Hello? I’m Tony Snow, and whoever busts me out of this box, I promise to buy you a very valuable gift. You want to know what Tony Snow will give you? I’m thinking… an American flag lapel-pin, just like the one I wear. America-hating liberals like Barack Obama are ashamed to wear a flag lapel-pin, but decent Americans like you and I sure aren’t. I’ll buy you one that’s gold-plated, even. Okay, not gold-plated, I’m not made out of money here. But I will buy you the finest tin-plated lapel pin. And if tin’s not good enough for you, then tough luck, pal. You’re not getting a free handout from Tony Snow. I worked for my money! So just open the fucking box and let me the fuck out, or else I swear on my life I will rip you a new one. Hello? Hello? Oh god, something’s not right. I fear the worst has happened. I think my biggest nightmare has come true. I fear that I’ve been kidnapped by liberals and stuffed into a box. They’re going to demand money to free me, because liberals don’t like to work. God, I hate liberals! Them and their damn socialized medicine and big government! When I get out of this box, I swear by Almighty God that I will fight liberals tooth and nail. Hey…speaking of tooth, why did my tooth just fall out?”

YELLOW SNOW

Hi,

Congrats on your new web site. I wish you all the best. BTW, I signed up for your mailing list at exile.ru a couple of weeks ago and received an e-mail confirmation. However, when your new web site came online on Bastille Day, I did not get an e-mail notifying me of this event. Assuming that you wanted sent an e-mail notification regarding your new site, exiledonline.com, I just wanted you to know that it did not take place. Thanks again for all the articles and I wish you all the best.

Vernon

Dear Mr. Vernon,

Tony Snow replies, “Why am I being bothered with this? I have no idea what you’re talking about or why you’re keeping me here! I’m Tony Snow, damnit! I demand to be let out of this box this instant! Your problems are of no concern to me, and I have no idea what an exile.ru is, but if locking me in this box with an unwashed illegal immigrant stinking it up is some kind of liberal joke, then all I can say to you is, ‘Get a job, Vernon!’ I’ll get out of this box on my own, thank you. I don’t need help from people like you. And if you should happen to pull me out of this box, then that in no way means that Tony Snow endorses the things you, Vernon whatever, stand for. And you won’t get a red cent from me, either. No handouts, you hear me? Worthless bum. I said, you hear me? Huh? I’m listening…Jeez, it’s really quiet here. Weird. Kinda spooky even. Not that I believe in ghosts, but…this is really spooky.”

SNOW JOB

War Nerd,

Heard your radio interview. Awesome. Could say a lot, but I’m afraid of sounding dumb. You scare the shit out of me. You’re still the best Gary. Do a number on the Falklands?

Chris Light

Dear Mr. Light,

Tony Snow replies, “Okay, now I’m seriously freaking out. No, seriously. Don’t think I’m crazy or anything, but I’m starting to get a sense that the very worst has happened to me. First, I can’t see anything, and I’m stuck in a box. Second, I have no weight, only consciousness. Third, no one can hear me. My only portal to the world is via this [sic] column. Now, the last thing I remember is that I was in a bed, very ill, with my family and a hospice nurse, her name was Juanita. Oh god, I fear that the worst has happened. The very worst. I want to say…to my fans, and to everyone, I’m afraid that I, Tony Snow, have had my body-vessel stolen from me by an illegal immigrant, likely Juanita’s brothers or husband or whatever those people have. They’ve stolen my body, and locked my soul up in this box. Well, let me tell you Juanita, and anyone else out there who’s listening: Tony Snow doesn’t just lie down and take it when his body is stolen. Nosiree, I swear on my life I will do whatever it takes to get my body back, and once I do, so help all of you, I will make it my life’s mission to seal the border with Mexico, and ship every one of you back. Oh wait a minute, I already made that my life’s ambition when I was Rush Limbaugh’s guest and Bill O’Reilly’s substitute. Damn, I’m proud of myself. You know, someday, when I die, I’ll look back on my life – bashing people less fortunate than I in order to enrich myself and other rich people—I’ll look back and say, ‘Tony, you’re all right in my books.’”

SNOW EXIT

Dear eXiled,

It’s good to see you back on-line and welcome to Panama, I think. I’m based in Mexico and the trick to staying alive around here is to print whatever you want, so long as you don’t, ever, write about your host country. Since I tend to write about matters British, that keeps me nice and safe.

Want to swap links? The Exiled with The-Exile – it has a nice symmetry to it. You can even nick some of my postings if you want. The social work industry articles tend to cause the most trouble, which is to say that they give me the most laughs. Needless to say, I shall continue to thieve anything that takes my fancy from your site.

Best,

Exile.

Dear Exile,

Tony Snow replies, “Okay everyone, I take back what I just wrote up there. I’ve figured out the problem here. It’s not as bad as I thought. My body hasn’t been stolen from me by illegal immigrants. Nope. I’m just dead. Phew! I was really worried for a minute that some Mexicans were riding around with my body, like someone might even try to transport a whole family of illegal immigrants in my body-vessel. Can you imagine? So no, I’m just dead. Everything’s fine. I’m heading off to work now, got a great segment to do on FoxNews about what an elitist Barack Obama is. I mean, seriously, look at him: he rides around the country in a body, while regular hard-working Americans like myself have to make do spending eternity in a hot box, answering [sic] letters because I was such a fucking asshole all of my life. So yeah, no whining from me, I’m just happy that I can enjoy the liberties that this great country affords me. As I always say, I’d rather be in a box for eternity in a Republican-dominated America, than be stuck in a body-vessel in an unfree hellhole like Venezuela, where people do not even know the meaning of ‘freedom.’ Oh and by the way, to this ‘Exile’ guy, I’ve been asked by the eXiled staff to tell him, ‘Quit stealing from us you cheap boot-licking limey fuck!’ And I’d like to add, ‘Yeah, and go back to Mexico where you belong!’ Hey, did you just read what I wrote? It was totally unscripted. Just Tony Snow being crazy and spontaneous in a [sic] way. Wow, that was fun! I really know how to zing with the best of them, don’t I? I think I’ll like this [sic] job. You see? Death isn’t that bad. In fact, I kinda like it!”