A [sic] BEFORE DYING

Dear editor.

Now that i have retired i would like to take this opportunity to thank you for all the support that you’ve given me over the years. But i still think that you’re papers full of shit!!!!

LOVE

BORIS??????

Dear Mr. ??????,

Are you ever going to die? Folks, we think it’s time to cut the bullshit here and to lay odds on the first Moscow Ghoul Pool of the third millennium. Send us your swami-soothsayer guesses as to when you think Yeltsin’s pipes will burst for the last time. The person who guesses bestest the day in which Yeltsin’s body is returned to Mother Russia’s infertile, toxic soil will win a free hour with a whore of your choice, a free dinner with the eXile sales girl of your choice, and an all-expenses-paid free cardiovascular check-up at the Moscow clinic of your choice. Good luck, contestants!

We at the eXile are proud to offer to our readers an exciting, interactive sic letter which we hope will be instructive for everyone. Here’s how it worked. Letter writer Coral Lippiatt sent us a hurtful-letter-from-a-hurt-reader type thing. Instead of ignoring or frying her, we decided to send a falsely self-deprecating reply in order to soften her up. Then she sent a reply to that showing that all she wanted was to make friends with us and she didn’t mean a doggone thing she said. She is, in other words, a total sucker.

Editor,

In regards to the general tone of misogyny in Exile, in my experience, there’s only two kinds of men who insult women: fags, and cowards. It’s uncanny how many times this is proven to be true.

A friend

Dear Friend,

In fact, we are gay cowards. Or is that redundant?

Dear Editor,

I’m flattered to get a personal reply as I’d thought that in the event that you printed my letter, I’d get a grumpy response on the letters page and that was all I expected. I feel guilty now.

I should probably have told you that in the three months I’ve been on the net, now that the novelty has worn off, Exile is the only e-zine that has sustained my interest continuously. It’s often hilarious and I look forward to the next issue.

About the gender/misogyny thing, I don’t really understand the gender war or many things to do with gender anyway. I suspect I may be simple. When I was younger I thought that sex was a joke that only fools feel compelled to take part in, but now I’m sure of it, so I’m celibate.

Since you took the time to write, there’s no need to publish my letter(s).

Regards,

Coral Lippiatt

Dear Ms. Lippiatt,

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, bitch, whyn’cha just clean the dishes, soap up your box, and shut the fuck up. Folks, as you can see, the big lesson here is “Don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Subject: Kind ATTN: Chief Editor

Date: Thursday, December 30, 1999 5:35 AM

Sir\Madam,

Reliably given to understand that your esteemed newspaper has a opening in the Business Editorial section. [“a opening”? “a”? You, my friend, are hired!-Ed.] I would like to apply for the same. It sounds appealing to be working as a Business Reporter for an esteemed newspaper such as yours especially when journalism is precisely the kind of work I like to do, and I believe if one does what he likes, he does it better. I am sure you’ll be able to find a suitable opening for me because for long, I have been waiting and preparing hard for an opportunity of this type. Presently I am associated with the Bridge News, USA as a stringer (Journalist) for Jaipur (India).Besides this, I am also working as a free-lance journalist. My articles are appearing in the Economic Times, Business & Political Observer, Rajasthan Plus-a publication of the Times of India group. Prior to this I was working as a Senior Correspondent\Senior Sub-Editor with Rajasthan Patrika (English)-a prominent Economic English daily, with a circulation figure in excess of 300000, being published from Jaipur. My association with Rajasthan Patrika as a staffer was for almost 11 years. In Rajasthan Patrika I used to cover commodities, coroprate stories, business reports, industries, tourism and Central Government and State budget. Besides this I was also looking after the State Assembly and other financial reports. As far as my educational qualifications are concerned, I am a graduate in commerce from University of Rajasthan. I think that my experience will suit your requirements. I would highly appreciate the chance to talk to you. I shall be able to call for an interview at your convenience and will be pleased to provide any references or examples of my previous work. Hope to hear soon from you.

Thank you for giving me your time.

Sincerely yours,

Anil Sharma

E-mail: anil@datainfosys.net

Cc.: anilsharma@journalist.com

Phone: 0091-141-621629

Fax: 0091-141-374413

Dear Esteemed Mr. Sharma,

Do you realize your first name is “Anil”? Do you know how hard and long we here at the eXile have been searching for a business correspondent whose name is “Anil”? Our prayers have been answered. Now, with you on our staff, we can say things like, “Anil’s piece is due in a few hours” and “Put Anil on it”. You’ve got yourself a job, young man!

Hi everyone,

Within a few months, we will visit Moscow. And we are desperate to know where we can find the real ‘hot-spots’ when talking about the nightlife in the city. Can you tell us about the real underground clubs, the alternative cafes, the most exciting pubs, bars and other places (cinema’s, etc, etc.) where we can experience the nightlife?? Or maybe you can tell us where we can find this information (on the Web?).

Thanx for your help!!

CYA,

Ray and Jorrit (The Netherlands)

Dear The Netherlands,

Do they teach you Dutch to be alternative in church or something? Like, do you guys have Sunday School for alternative indoctrination? One thing’s for sure, nothing here in Moscow will ever be as authentically anti-consumerist and alternative as the average cafe or underground club in your nutty town. Just wear an A with a circle around it when you come to Moscow, and the world will be your oyster.

Just finished reading “Lie2K”in David Johnson’s Russia Weekly e-mail newsletter. Priceless.

PS My visit to Moscow just before Christmas confirmed what I already knew. But Moscow survived Napoleon, and it will survive his progeny.

S noviim godom!

DM

Dear DM,

Yeah, well, Vienna survived Falco, but that doesn’t make it a better place, does it?

In response to your response to the Post editorial on Chechnya I thought I send you another take on the situation? well, on a lot of situations.

I don?t know if you?d be interested in any of this tripe, but I write a column each week for my local weekly newspaper entitled ?Around the World,? under the banner of an up-side-down map and a very squared off title. Basically it is just gleanings from Reuters and AP, but I occasionly slant it?just a bit. Particularly with respect to Chechnya?if you have the opportunity or indulgence to scan through some of this stuff?I?d be very interested in your opinion on what the Russians are really doing there, and if I am reading the reports we are getting from the area correctly.

[what follows is about a gigabyte of Reuters-like bland-a-matic snippets of news items from around the world, which we at the exile will spare you from having to read-Ed.]

Regards

Wulph Hagen

Dear Mr. Hagen,

You’re right, your column is tripe.

I have just joined Lifetime Partners. They’re a dating service based in

Sunnyvale, California – advertising relationship with the women of Tver. I read the article in your mag on Dr. Liminov’s Abortion Law. Universally there is agreement that Moscow is a virtual sewer of corruption/prostitution/etc. Is it Limonov’s position that all Russian woman in the last few years particularly are, in fact, anti-family/anti-intimacy. And that American women are the opposite? If, so, he hasn’t visited the San Francisco Bay Area in the last ten years… However, I would like to know Exile’s real opinion of Russian dating services. Thanks. BTW – very entertaining if nothing else.

Bruce

Dear Bruce,

It is the eXile’s official position that all women–be they black, white, or purple–are whores. Including Coral Lippiatt.

My name is Youlian. I am a bulgarian who resides permanently in the USA.

Having the pleasure of visiting Your outstanding ,by any means, site

Yesterday I have discovered that our DNS server does not resolve the name www.exile.ru as it was before. For a split second You could be able to see just “We have move to a better place” in russian but then it will reroute You to “www.anekdot.ru”. Do not get me wrong, I like russian jokes very much 🙂 and I really enjoy reading them, part of our – “complicated slavic souls”, but what I need the most is Your point of view on different political issues. What is going on guys? Where exactly are You now, I mean Your site? Drop me a line, please , and do not tell me that You are gone from the “cyber space”!

Waiting for Your reply Regards

Youlian :)))

Dear Mr. :))),

Since when did having a complicated Slavic soul mean copying suburban America’s most pedestrian cyber-dork smiley-face signposts? It’s people like you that inspire words of wisdom from that Atlanta Braves pitcher. He’s right: there are just too many goddamn foreigners in America. Now that they’re letting in Bulgarians (is that really a country?!), you just know that America’s days are numbered.

Waaah! I want my eXile!

Sincerely Yours,

Impatient Reader Raised On Commercials

Perhaps its time to email our web master jason and give him a piece of your cyber-mind.

Dear [Sic],

OK, fine, the Washington Post hypocritically supports the government. We cannot fail to have noticed that over Kosovo if our eyes were open.

But why? How about specifics – names, motivations. Is it the owners or the editors, or both? What is their motivation? Are the owners part of the Clinton crowd, or the money elite more generally, or are the editors in the pay of some government organ, or political organisation? Or are they just stupid and simply believe all their crap?

How does it work in practice?

Randal Cousins

Dear Randal,

Okay, okay, we give up, we don’t know a fucking thing about anything. Now please just buy our book and leave us alone.

This [sic] shit was printed in Issue #27 of The eXile, published in February 2000.

Read more: [sic], eXile Classic, exile issue 27, [sic], eXile Classic

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