“Bernie Bernbaum Does America” — Mark Ames Goes To Salt Lake City To Expedite Mormon Apocalypse & Dispatch The DNC - By Mark Ames

Dispatch / NSFW Corp / September 7, 2012

“Bernie Bernbaum Does America” — Mark Ames Goes To Salt Lake City To Expedite Mormon Apocalypse & Dispatch The DNC

By Mark Ames

From today’s edition of NSFW Corp

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—I have some explaining to do. As you know, I went missing for roughly 36 hours — no phone, no email, no nothing — roughly from the time of Clinton’s Satanic speech Wednesday night until the time which you receive this. First, let me tell you that I am fine, alive, and though a bit shaken up and haggard looking from sleeplessness, I was not mistreated or molested in any way.

In my last panicked correspondence to the outside world, I was begging the NSFW Corp’s Paul Carr to arrange some sort of commando mission to Charlotte to rescue our man-on-the-ground there, James Kotecki. I was terrified that the Tracy Flickites who gathered in their numbers in Charlotte would get into James’ brain and swallow his soul. That if James so much as fell asleep for five minutes, the Flickites would sneak a pod next to our Convention Correspondent’s bed, and he’d wake up full of hope and optimism. Or worse.

So as dusk approached Wednesday evening here in the greater Salt Lake Basin, and I was racing down I-15 to my secure hilltop location after playing poker with a bunch of middle-aged local jazz musicians, I fired off a series of increasingly panicked emails to Paul: “We need to get him out of Charlotte ASAP. Send him to Chicago to cover the teacher’s strike, where they’re fighting Rahm Emanuel and Arne Duncan. Or maybe that’s too close to the heat: Send James to the Caymans to get some rest. Or to Moldova, or Costa Rica. Anywhere but Charlotte! Whatever we do, don’t let James go to sleep!”

I realize now that it wasn’t James I was panicking over. It was me. As soon as Clinton took the stage Wednesday night, blathering for hours about how he and Barack Obama had done everything the Republican Right had told them they should do, only better and more competently than the Republicans themselves manage to, so why aren’t the Republicans happy? Why aren’t they patting Bill and Barack on the head and telling them “Good job, Bubba!” — feeding them Milk Bones treats like they promised? When I heard Clinton tape-looping that same rancid 1990s New Democrat theme, that’s when it all came crashing down for me.

Let me step back a moment for our readers. Some of you might be wondering what I’m doing in Salt Lake City… (Continued…click here)

To read the rest of this article by Mark Ames on the the harmful effects of sleep deprivation in the Mormon Zion, while being forced to watch the 2012 Democratic Party Convention like that Clockwork Orange guy, click here (open viewing).

This article was published at Not Safe For Work Corp, where I’m now Senior Editor. Subscribe, or face eternal damnation: http://www.nsfwcorp.com/subscribe

Buy The eXile: Sex, Drugs and Libel in the New Russia co-authored by Mark Ames and Matt Taibbi (Grove).

Click the cover & buy the book!

Got something to say to us? Then send us a letter.

Want us to stick around? Donate to The eXiled.

Twitter twerps can follow us at twitter.com/exiledonline

30 Comments

Add your own

1. Zhu Bajie | September 7th, 2012 at 8:34 pm
Ames, you (or someone) needs to found a US branch of the Official Monster Raving Loony Party! Give the two unofficial raving loony parties some competition!
2. Serious question... | September 7th, 2012 at 9:31 pm
Am I a bad person if I hold my nose and vote for Obama? I’m going to have to go vote for some local candidates in November anyway.
My wife’s got type I diabetes. Insurers are now considering that a preexisting condition, and since she’s self-employed we’re a bit concerned that, should the flinching, laughably inadequate package known as “Obamacare” be repealed, she will never be able to purchase health insurance for the rest of her days. Good thing she’s in great shape aside from that defective pancreas.
The direct cost of having a baby in our regional hospitals costs roughly $40,000– assuming a two night stay with minimal complications. So the choice between these two dolts actually might *directly* impact our ability to reproduce. It’ll be pretty hard to feed one of those little bastards when it almost costs a year’s worth of income just to squirt one out the gate. We’ve managed to avoid getting into any debt up to this point, but maybe that’s how they’ll finally get us: “Want to fulfill your fundamental human needs? FIRST THE BANK MUST OWN YOU.”
In addition to that issue, there’s at least a decent chance that we’ll be replacing Ruth Ginsburg in the next couple of years, and I figure Thomas could suffer a heart attack/stroke at any time (just look at the actuary tables if you think that’s wishful thinking) and Scalia is bound to have an aneurism at some point. It’s not unthinkable that we might sneak another Thurgood Marshall in there, supposing the lesser evil is in the white house at the time. Not holding my breath, but you never know.
Has large scale democracy ever, at any point in history, been anything other than the ability to choose the lesser of two evils? Good guys like Eugene Debs don’t count, I mean candidates that actually had an outside chance of winning.
3. Epsilon | September 7th, 2012 at 11:44 pm
The amount of earth-shattering orgasms that the Clinton speech got on the Libfags makes the Pod theory believable.
At least I hope so. The (likely) theory that they are really that guillible and stupid is just too damn depressing.
@2
Yes you are. You are giving legitimacy to an election as valid as the ones held by the Soviets. Also, you can bet your ass that a plan that looks suspiciously like the Ryan budget will be implemented anyways.
That out, do w/e.
4. ariot | September 8th, 2012 at 9:28 am
Interesting.
I’ve moved to the last stage of the Kubler-Ross model. So I don’t bother.
5. Hrrrrrk | September 8th, 2012 at 9:31 am
Bryan Ferry AND The Butthole Surfers?! Ames,you need to ride a colossal,sentient fire-breathing statue of yourself into the pusfucked core of our capital as The Redeemer. You,Comrade,are The Chosen!
6. yarlesp | September 8th, 2012 at 9:40 am
if you really want to embed yourself in the real zion then get out of capitol hill and rent a cheaper place in sandy or west jordan or something. burned out hippies on capitol hill are not really going to get you what you need
7. captain america | September 8th, 2012 at 10:51 am
i lived on the wasatch front for about six years in the 1990s. honestly never noticed the stench, even during my frequent trips to SLC. people would say it gets pretty bad if you get close to the salt lake but since you’re description of the lake it self is, as far as i know, accurate, why would you do that?
8. SQ still... | September 8th, 2012 at 7:02 pm
@3
So are you saying I should give up on starting a family because I would first have to “give legitimacy” to a corrupt system? That seems like trading in a Real Important Thing for some sort of abstract moral purity… besides, how on earth does low voter turnout DE-legitimize a corrupt election? And what external authority is judging the legitimacy of these elections anyway? God? If we can vote in a way that will slow down the rate of devastation, why on earth not?
Even DELAYING a Ryan-type budget for a couple of years would still be greatly, materially advantageous for millions of proles during those couple of years. Damage control. Lesser evil. That’s all democracy has ever been– the least bad form of government. There’s never been a golden age where it actually worked differently. What’s the alternative?
Monarchy? Naw. Not in an industrialized setting, anyway.
Fascism? People can’t even consistently define what that is .
Authoritarian despotism? No fun at all.
Skip all government and go anarchist? That’s the exact same thing as authoritarian despotism except for a two-year startup delay.
If there is really, genuinely no real difference between the two candidates, then why are the plutocrats dumping billions MORE of their “own” dollars getting one particular candidate elected over the other? This is absolutely a corrupt election, but not like anything the Soviets ever did. Totally different animal.
9. Epsilon | September 8th, 2012 at 8:19 pm
Chill, again, I don’t care.
Here’s a question: How much Obama and Co. have actually “delayed” the Republican plan? Think very carefully before you answer.
Remember, we are talking about the same party that has governors publicy jacking off to fucking over public employees:
http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/03/15/us-newyork-pensions-idUSBRE82E0OF20120315
10. kelly | September 9th, 2012 at 5:20 am
Awesome reporting.
Thanks!
11. Trevor | September 9th, 2012 at 7:34 am
It really has been a repeat of ’90s politics ever since Obama took over. A Democratic president pursues conservative policies, the Republicans call him a commie while floating any half-baked conspiracy theory they can, and everyone takes it seriously.
Fuck this country.
12. Rehmat | September 9th, 2012 at 8:47 am
In reality Obama and Romney are two faces of the same coin. Several of their election rants were put into practice by Adolph Hitler seven decades ago.
http://rehmat1.com/2012/08/16/hitler-zionists-obama-and-romney/
13. Dimitri Ratz | September 9th, 2012 at 9:54 am
The main difference between Obama bailing out large corporations and his Republican counterparts is he actually did it to avoid large layoffs. The Republicans shamelessly are lauding small government, and cutting whatever minor program that might exist for the middle class after securing their ruling corporate class with bailout that has no precedent in the vastness of funds used. Clinton speech was great, especially if you can look past all the dead Kosovo children that died directly as a result of his error. If Obama cuts Ms. Clinton loose I’ll seriously join the Democratic Party.
14. Dimitri Ratz | September 9th, 2012 at 10:11 am
@2, there is no right or wrong answer. Some mother fuckers are going to try to extend their one vote to encompass yours, literally walking to help you mark the choice to be two vote voters. Fuck them. This is your fundamental right, think about your family, how its going to benefit your loved ones, and i don’t mean loud outspoken relatives, ignore those too. The ballet is your future, nobody else’s, you can include your wife or anyone you want, but for the love of God don’t include Gimmy, or some fucks family that’s going to water down your benefits.
15. Dimitri Ratz | September 9th, 2012 at 10:38 am
@8, A Russian hater comparing a Modern Centrist Party to the Soviets, and I have the power to vote and cancel out his breeding rights vote. How sweet.
16. pat | September 9th, 2012 at 10:45 am
Romney’s economic adviser is Kevin Hassett from the American Enterprise Institute. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/02/mitt-romney-jobs_n_1734520.html
Guess what he thinks? The middle class earns too much, we should take 20K salary cuts and sell our homes and rent. http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2010-09-07/your-fat-paycheck-keeps-your-neighbor-unemployed-kevin-hassett.html
http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/money_co/2010/09/pay-cuts-kevin-hassett-american-enterprise-institute.html
Further, he thinks politically unfree countries are more economically successful than free ones….but you know this one already, I got the link from here:) http://www.american.com/archive/2007/may-june-magazine-contents/does-economic-success-require-democracy
17. Mr. Bad | September 9th, 2012 at 2:11 pm
I clicked through. Thank you Mark.
18. Dimitri Ratz | September 9th, 2012 at 4:17 pm
Really find distasteful people who are stupid. They would speak volumes about the virtues of Supreme Justices appointed for lifetime as a necessary protectors of interpreters of our enshrined freedoms only to attack the evil Ayatollah for holding office for life, irrespective of new democratic elections and unanswerable to even the president, and even worse Iranian, foreign. And system here is nothing like the Soviets. Sure the ruling elite controls two party system and thereby limits our choices, but it’s nothing like Soviets controlling a system that also limited selection to a few individuals to be rubber stamped, because we like beef here, and have higher quality corn… I mean Occupy Wall Street protesters arrested by police prior to protests on charges of planned terrorism only to released later and charges dropped is again nothing like Soviet tactics, because the corn is so delicious here, and baby back ribs are just right.
19. Silva | September 9th, 2012 at 6:45 pm
@12
Yeah, “Ayan” Rand wanted universal healthcare. Right. Also, Marx was a Satan priest.
(Yes, this is from another of this retard’s articles.)
20. Zhu Bajie | September 9th, 2012 at 8:50 pm
“Am I a bad person if I hold my nose and vote for Obama?”
No, but you’re wasting you’re time. O. does not have your interests at heart any more than R. does.
Neither faction of the oligarchy fears you or needs your support. Your vote has no impact on major decisions, those of life or death. Voting is merely a traditional ritual,like “electing” Roman officials under the emperors.
Want a better life? Emigrate. Your ancestors did.
21. Zhu Bajie | September 9th, 2012 at 8:54 pm
@18 Dmitri Ratz “the virtues of Supreme Justices appointed for lifetime”
I’m hoping that Caligula Romney will appoint Rafalca the Horse to the Supreme Court, but I suppose he has no sense of humor.
Making the Mormons the Church of America I can imagine.
22. bulfinch | September 9th, 2012 at 10:17 pm
The Red Iguana! Whodaguessed that some of the best interior Mexican food around could be found in SLC??
If you get a chance, Mark, check out the Joseph Smith Sphinx!
23. radii | September 10th, 2012 at 9:35 am
it is hopeful (oops, THAT word) that the Democrat centrists are led by the noxious and totally sold-my-soul-for-power Harold Ford – oh wait, didn’t DLC go belly up? Ha-ha … Goldman Sachs has more power than our government – that is clear, and all the banksters will get off scot-free … Clinton’s speech was a wonderful bit of Dada-esque performance – he so clearly hates Obama but had to sell the guy … and because he got a huge ego-stroke he did it … hey Ames, take a couple of wives while you’re there – I think they marry ’em off as young as 12
24. Rehmat | September 10th, 2012 at 12:03 pm
@19 Yeah, “Ayan” Rand ((nee Alyssa Rosenbaum) wished many things – but she was a typical bigot when it comes to Arabs.
Rand in an interview had called Israeli Jew “civilized people” and Arabs being “primitive savages”. Watch the video of her Zionist rant below.
http://rehmat1.com/2012/08/14/san-franciscos-mta-ad-support-israel-defeat-jihad/
25. Anarchy Pony | September 10th, 2012 at 4:12 pm
@20, Emigrate where? The oligarchs are busy transforming every country in the world into this kind of state. There is no frontier to escape to anymore.
26. Whyawannaknow | September 10th, 2012 at 7:20 pm
Emigrate where?
I’m thinking the asteroid belt is nice this time of year.
27. Rehmat | September 11th, 2012 at 7:32 am
@25, Emigrate where?
In April 2011, Israeli Defense Minister Gen. Ehud Barak suggested Finland to the ‘Israel Radio’ listeners.
“Those who came here in order to set up a national home have to know how to stand firm. For those who want complete quiet, there is Finland and there is Western Europe, and they can go there,” said Barak.
http://rehmat1.com/2011/04/21/barak-israeli-jews-should-move-to-finland/
28. Silva | September 11th, 2012 at 7:37 am
@24
The point is that, if you don’t get even people’s names right, why should I trust anything else? (And yes, I know she wasn’t born AYN, retard.) Much less trust someone claiming she was pro-welfare (for people other than herself), and who “is a typical bigot when it comes to” (ethnic only) Jews. BTW: I should say you “claim to be Muslim”, right?
29. adam | September 11th, 2012 at 12:14 pm
Christ, Ames. When are you gonna drop this tragic comedy act and get with the Trotskyists, man? We fucking need you!
Let’s ditch the middle-class politics all together and get some Jerry White/Phyllis Scherrer coverage.
The only ticket out of this hell-hole runs us straight through it, and goddamn it, you know that!
30. Burnedouthippie | September 19th, 2012 at 4:28 pm
I would be the “burned out hippie” on Capitol Hill. One can only take so much of Zion in the Valley of the happy Mormons, before the only respite is self imposed exile to the Hill.