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The War Nerd

bastille-day-2012

This article was first published in The eXile on October 2, 2003

The new big thing on the web is all these sites with names like “I Hate France,” with supposed datelines of French military history, supposedly proving how the French are total cowards. If you want to see a sample of this dumbass Frog bashing, try this:

www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html

(more…)

Posted on: July 4th, 2014 | Comments (5)

Paraguay: A Brief History Of National Suicide

THE STORY OF HOW PARAGUAY WENT FROM A WANNABE PRUSSIA TO THE RODNEY DANGERFIELD OF SOUTH AMERICA

Posted on: August 14th, 2013 | Comments (18)

Burn, Malibu, Burn! — Fire: The Most Effective, Underused Weapon in the World

This article was first published in The eXile on November 5, 2007 FRESNO, CA — By the time you finish this column you will be able to destroy huge buildings, kill hundreds of people in a few minutes, and strike terror…

Posted on: May 3rd, 2013 | Comments (8)

The War Nerd Returns With A Special Survey Of Obama’s Wars: “Good Fighter, Can’t Cheerlead Worth A Damn”

When you look back at Obama’s wars, you get a pretty clear idea what went wrong over the last four years…Obama just doesn’t understand his job as war chief of this big crazy tribe…

Posted on: September 11th, 2012 | Comments (81)

War Nerd Classic: In Praise Of Sikhs, “The Coolest Warrior Tribe Around”

I think I’ve finally found a religion I can convert to. I’m thinking of turning Sikh. And we’ll just slide right by all the puns popping into your little heads, if you don’t mind. The Sikhs are just the coolest warrior tribe around. Take their scripture.

Posted on: August 8th, 2012 | Comments (140)

War Nerd Classic: Altar Boy Vs. Altar Boy In Uganda: The Lord’s Resistance Army & Joseph Kony

This article is a War Nerd Classic Christians are stone killers. You put a Christian and a lion in an arena and I’ll bet Toyotas to Subarus the Christian’ll have the lion for lunch. Just look around you: lions are…

Posted on: March 7th, 2012 | Comments (62)

The War Nerd: Who Won Iraq? Answer: Anyone Who Stayed Out

But let’s take the question seriously for a second here: who won in Iraq? To answer it, you have to start with a close-up of the region, then change magnification to look at the world picture. At a regional level the big winner is obvious: Iran. In fact, Iran wins so big in this war that I’ve already said that Dick Cheney’s DNA should be checked out by a reputable lab, because he has to be a Persian mole.

Posted on: December 15th, 2011 | Comments (54)

War Nerd: Ben Grierson, Actual Hero

There are actual American heroes. Not a lot, and you don’t hear much about them, but there are a few. I don’t mean working moms who spend their Saturdays spooning soup into winos. I mean classic citizen-soldiers who get it right every…

Posted on: October 16th, 2011 | Comments (81)

The War Nerd: The Mayan Caste War–Vivan Los Machetes

Some of the weirdest, longest wars around have been on the other side of the Big River, but for some reason most American war nerds would rather read about Eurasian battles. Not sure why, except I remember when I was…

Posted on: October 10th, 2011 | Comments (49)

The War Nerd: China Joins the Yacht Club

When we lived in Long Beach, my dad used to say the same thing every time we saw the sign to the yacht club: “You know what a boat is?” He’d ask the car that, then wait for somebody to…

Posted on: September 18th, 2011 | Comments (228)

War Nerd 9/13: Ten Years On and A Long Way Down

Well, it’s ten years and a couple of days since 9/11. The reason I’m two days late doing a look back is that 9/11 is boring. I’m sick of it. And the ten years since are just depressing, at least if you’re an American.

Posted on: September 13th, 2011 | Comments (133)

Green March on Golan

While everybody was distracted with Libya, something interesting happened on the Golan Heights. The Palestinians, with a lot of pushing from the Assad people, staged their own version of the Green March. And it failed.

Posted on: September 2nd, 2011 | Comments (63)

Dude on the right look local?

Dude on the right look local? A sharp-eyed reader named Pete S. sent me a picture off an Al Jazeera blog on Libya with what Pete thinks might be an SAS operator taking in the parade. This is the guy…

Posted on: August 31st, 2011 | Comments (60)

The mask is cuz he's gonna be a banker soon.

A little secret you won’t hear much about: Libya under Qaddafi wasn’t that bad for most people. And that’s according to the CIA. Take a look at the CIA factbook on Libya under Qaddafi and you’re in for a shock.
Subsidized medical care, subsidized education, one of the highest average incomes in Africa, a life expectancy of 77 point something, and rankings in the 90s, pretty low, on most of the bad stuff like infant mortality.

Posted on: August 30th, 2011 | Comments (45)

The War Nerd: So Who Killed Younes?

The truth is, it was no surprise Younes got shot. He was an old Qaddafi enforcer who’d made a lot of enemies, and he did one of the most dangerous things a general can do: Change sides in the middle of a civil war.

Posted on: August 28th, 2011 | Comments (40)

The War Nerd: Libya: The Berb-Burb Alliance

Well, that was a quick takedown. One of the strange things about Libya was the pacing. It needed a good editor, because it started fast, then bogged down, and then just when everybody’d given up and gone to get some caramel corn, the credits started rolling.

Posted on: August 23rd, 2011 | Comments (89)

The War Nerd Vs. Darrell Issa’s Goldman Sachs Staffer: A Brief History Of Hungarian Fascism Made Simple For Lying Scum

Rep. Darrell Issa got busted hiring a Goldman Sachs VP, Peter Simonyi/Heller, who changed his last name to hide his Goldman Sachs past in favor of his fascist Hungarian grandfather’s past…The War Nerd explains why Simonyi should be much more embarrassed about Grandpa Heller…

Posted on: August 19th, 2011 | Comments (97)

War Nerd: What’s Holdin’ You Up, Muammar?

I’m back, thanks to the don’t-call-it-a-depression. Thanks to this brief correction in the US economy, then. My new job lasted three months. I did all the right things, too, even smiled. Didn’t matter. I was the last hired, and you…

Posted on: August 17th, 2011 | Comments (78)

The War Nerd Vs. Neocon Knucklehead Victor Davis Hanson: A War Nerd Classic

For your reading pleasure, The eXiled is reposting one of the War Nerd’s most famous–and hilarious–episodes: The epic battle pitting Gary Brecher against neocon historian Victor Davis Hanson, guru to Dick Cheney and “Scooter” Libby. Like Bull Run, this battle…

Posted on: July 29th, 2011 | Comments (39)

Dylan Ratigan Talks Shop With The War Nerd About Libya on Radio Free Dylan

Watch The Dylan Ratigan show weekdays at 4pm EST. Also, check out Dylan Ratigan’s podcasts…

Posted on: May 26th, 2011 | Comments (50)

The War Nerd: Osama Porn

The second I had to quit daily blogging they got Osama. That was just one of the joys of starting a new job: Seeing all that great material wasted on mainstream journalists who have got to be the dumbest, most…

Posted on: May 15th, 2011 | Comments (87)

WN 40*: Pause for Breakdown

You’re gonna have to give me the weekend off. I moved yesterday. To a new town, new job. Trusted Google Maps to get me there. Don’t ever do that. That’s what I think must have happened to that famous lost…

Posted on: April 30th, 2011 | Comments (166)

WN 40: Syria Wobble

Something’s been going on in Syria for a while now. I’ve already written about the Deraa protests as an example of the big role guerrilla funerals play in irregular war, but it’s time to look at the more general prospects…

Posted on: April 29th, 2011 | Comments (38)

WN 39: The War Nerd Surveys The Baltic Armies

Years ago I got an angry email from somebody claiming to be in one of the Baltic militaries. Whoever he was, he wrote in grammatically perfect English so he just had to be from Northern Europe. We can’t talk English…

Posted on: April 28th, 2011 | Comments (83)

WN 38 IRA vs. Al Qaeda: I Was Wrong

  Before I confess how wrong I was about a big issue, I’ll give myself a little pat on the head for being right about a much smaller deal, the Afghan jailbreak I talked about two days ago.

Posted on: April 27th, 2011 | Comments (147)