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Dispatch / June 23, 2009


But maybe my neighbors are on to something. Maybe they are right not to care. Yes, violent crime and armed robberies happen all the time around these parts, but evidence shows that the criminals carrying them out are usually too inept to cause any serious damage. Just take a look some of this month’s criminals:

About ten days ago, a routine house robbery turned into a hostage situation/police standoff. Three dudes who went to a house party returned to the residence to take the stuff they liked. Instead of securing the residence like professionals, they concentrated on the fun stuff, such as pistol-whipping the man of the house. In the midst of all the excitement, they didn’t notice that the guy’s 17-year-old daughter was also in the house, hiding in the closet and was dialing 9-1-1 while the goons were busy finishing off her dad with chokeslams and elbow drops in the living room. The cops arrived just as the robbers were loading their car and a long hostage situation ensued, but even that turned out to be a nothing but a long tease. After a few hours, they turned themselves in without putting up a fight.

A few days after that, two men were robbed at gunpoint at a gas station, told to strip to their tighty-whities and stuffed into the trunk of their own car, while the assailants went on a gas station robbery joyride. But fun didn’t last. Turns out the moron criminals didn’t really know how do drive stick and their jerks and stalls attracted the attention of a patrol cruiser. And that was that.

But no one puts the “victor” in Victorville quite like the group of tweaked-out thugs who managed to flip their SUV, crash into an electrical transformer and set themselves on fire while trying to flee from a middle-aged couple whose house they’d just robbed. After rocketing up to over 90 miles per hour through the curvy cul-de-sacs of Victorville, their Dodge Durango hit a speed bump too fast and at the wrong angle, causing them to flip over and land on top of a high-voltage electrical transformer that lit up their car like a Christmas tree. According to a witness account of the crash, the electric shock was so powerful it knocked bystanders off their feet. One of the perps even caught on fire and was walking in a daze, crying: “Don’t let me die. I’ve got a family.” But really he was more afraid of jail and tried to flee, even though most of his upper-body skin looked like it was made out of sun-dried tomatoes. Bystanders had to chase him down and tackle him to the ground, subduing him until the cops arrived. It all made for some savage hick slapstick.

The good news is that this sort of entertainment is here to stay. Judging by recent high school scores, a new generation of dumb Victorville criminals are ready to be tried as adults. See, half of this year’s high school grads couldn’t calculate an eight percent sales tax on a $10 purchase. On top of that, 1 out of 3 didn’t know how long it took for the Earth to orbit the sun, 1 in 10 couldn’t name three countries that fought during World War II and another 1 in 10 didn’t know how many states we have here in the good ol’ US of A. With stats like these, we can rest assured that in Victorville, no child is ever gonna be left behind.

This article first appeared on Vice’s blog.

Yasha Levine is a McMansion-inhabitin’ editor of The eXiled. He is currently stationed in Victorville, California. You can contact him at

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  • 1. The Dark Avenger  |  June 23rd, 2009 at 2:51 pm

    The other Not Ready for Crime Time Players:

    The bodies of two men believed to have been electrocuted while attempting to steal copper wiring were found Tuesday on an abandoned driving range in Riverside County, authorities said.

    San Jacinto police and Riverside County firefighters responded to the 900 block of Idyllwild Drive about 1:20 a.m. after someone reported seeing fireworks at what used to be San Jacinto Golf Center, said Herlinda Valenzuela, a spokeswoman for the Riverside County Sheriff’s Department.

    “They thought it was fireworks, but once we got there, it was actually a fire,” Valenzuela said.

    It appeared that the two men had been stealing wires from a transformer and, in the process, accidentally electrocuted themselves, she said.

    —Corina Knoll

  • 2. adolphhitler  |  June 23rd, 2009 at 7:00 pm

    “chick shortage?”….you’ve got to be shitting me! can’t run and jump over all the whores in the greater victorville metropolitan area. you’re probably just too picky. any man with a paying job (this might exclude you)who walks into a bar (or the courthouse for that matter)has to fight those white trash whores off with a club. what are you doing wrong?

  • 3. Tony  |  June 23rd, 2009 at 9:02 pm

    Police scanners were the greatest entertainment value pre-internet. They still are great. You can learn so much shit that’s never reported in the news.

  • 4. Chema Pino Suarez  |  June 23rd, 2009 at 11:30 pm

    I certainly don’t blame a Russian for being picky about whores.

  • 5. yabadabadoo  |  June 24th, 2009 at 4:58 am

    Pino, his a jew who got spoiled in Russia.

    Great article though.

    Not everyone in his position would take be able to view his realities like it was some kind of a weird movie which he has no part of.

    Denial is always hilarious.

  • 6. az  |  June 24th, 2009 at 7:41 am

    Good article, especially in accompaniment to “Harlem Renaissance” by Immortal Technique and doing data entry in a semi-cubicle. I have a question though, what will happen to this very American South Butovo once we run out of money to give to the banks to cover their losses on the mortgages?

  • 7. bumbigoff  |  June 25th, 2009 at 12:34 pm

    Chick shortage in Russia:

    people urgently need an expedition to score in Californian bars.

    most of them won’t get an erection in a place with less then a five dozen cops per 100 sq ft. Cops should or should not be dressed in civil clothes. American Football broadcasting TV, local steroid jocks and metrosexuals ‘on the site of speed pick-up’ are an absolute must.

    Will accept any reasonable paying job right there in the bar from the crowd using my networking skills.

    Also i personally plan to score with a quiet beuatiful white trash blonde chick serving on U.S.Navy aircarrier who would risk her carier and life letting me in at night from a fisherman’s boat. Without this my life
    i think will be incomplete.

  • 8. Johnny Utah  |  June 25th, 2009 at 4:35 pm

    The earth doesn’t orbit the sun, you moron. It’s the other way around.

  • 9. adolphhitler  |  June 26th, 2009 at 4:04 pm

    yasha…if you are in to crime i suggest you look into the gang situation up there…the traditional black gangs must have a foothold by now but im not sure about the mexicans..they seem more like wannabees…plenty of vagos and mongols though. they hang out at the screaming chicken in devore…the bartender there will gladly show you her tits for free, ask for melissa

  • 10. matt  |  June 27th, 2009 at 8:40 pm

    Yeah, this would be in Vice. Hipster rag piece of shit.

  • 11. Anon  |  June 28th, 2009 at 6:17 am

    >>The earth doesn’t orbit the sun, you moron. It’s the other way around.

    Uhm, what? Please tell me you’re joking. I don’t detect any sarcasm tags to render.

    If you’re not joking please remove yourself from the genepool immediately. Our great grandchildren thank you in advance.

  • 12. aleke  |  June 29th, 2009 at 11:13 am


    Fuck off back to 4chan, kiid

  • 13. ukuli  |  June 30th, 2009 at 12:17 am

    Anarchists are like the skinheads of the left. We are just as embarrassed as the right wing is of nazi skinheads.

    Write an article about the skinheads of the left, the Anarchists! I dare you Yasha Levine! Go and meet the Black Bloc and other motherfuckers! As in “Kick out the Jams, Motherfuckers!”

  • 14. ehswan  |  June 30th, 2009 at 3:33 pm

    Victorville may just be the tip of the rainbow, leading edge, nose cone of human evolution. Victorville is where the rest of the country will go. But Victorville will get there first! Crows nest. New lands awaiting. Ain’t Victorvill glorious?

  • 15. adolphhitler  |  June 30th, 2009 at 7:17 pm

    hey #11 anon…he’s not a moron…he’s just from victorville!

  • 16. JM  |  July 10th, 2009 at 10:54 am

    Yasha, would like to see your thoughts on the the high-speed rail that was supposed to go from Vegas to LA stopping at Victorville instead.

  • 17. delete the borders  |  July 20th, 2009 at 8:34 pm

    LOL @13, A Black Bloc is a fluid tactic, not a specific group that exists out side of an action. And it originated with German Autonomists Marxists, so it’s not even an exclusively Anarchists tactic. Nor do most anarchists find a productive idea at the moment. And if the left is so embarrassed by direct action, and street level democracy then the left is screwed, because Barack Obama and the Democrats sure are not going to bring about any needed change.

  • 18. delete the borders  |  July 20th, 2009 at 8:40 pm

    LOL @13, A Black Bloc is a temporary fluid tactic, not any kind specific group that exists out side of an action. Black Bloc’s originated with German Autonomist Marxists, so it’s not even an exclusively Anarchist tactic. Nor do most anarchists find it a productive strategy at this point in time. (True there will probably always be some of the kids with the fire in their belly looking for catharsis. But you will never see another Seattle here anytime soon.)

    And if the left is so embarrassed by direct action, and street level democracy then the left is screwed, because Barack Obama and the Democrats sure are not going to bring about any needed change that is needed down here.

  • 19. Doc_Jude  |  August 11th, 2009 at 2:51 am

    ADOLPHHITLER:”…greater victorville metropolitan area….”

    RAOFLMAO!!!! ^_^

  • 20. Kevin  |  June 21st, 2012 at 7:39 pm

    OMG, ant to think I grew up here. Soooo glad I left back in ’74

  • 21. Jamie  |  December 1st, 2014 at 4:02 pm

    Omg! I love who ever wrote this! It says it from portland or. I had some strange strange experiences in Helendale ca. Just one example is I told this drug addict MJ Somers stay away from my family and that was it……or so I thought ……..he started harrassing me at my job and even threatened to rape my 2 year old child!. I thought man I’m about to go to prison for hurting thus guy or I can walk away. So I left and came back to the city. But in helendale all I ever heard was whining from the community about how I hate this place and there is no jobs…….than fucking leave….bunch if lazy whiners.

  • 22. suzanne  |  February 23rd, 2015 at 11:21 pm

    The article displayed here along with its comments provided me with hours of side splitting laughter. ….only in the high desert California….it’s valid in almost all aspects just. ..the way it is

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