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Elections Porn / January 26, 2012

TONY’S MANSION, SOUTHERN FLORIDA–Djou know something, mang? The other day, I’m watchin my giant 120-inch flat-screen TV, and thees fat guy look right and me and he say something that make me understand a fahkin meaning of a fahkin freedom, mang. Thees fat guy, he say, “I tell djou somethin’ mang, djou vote for me for a fahkin President of a fahkin Djounited State, I gonna kill that fahkin cockaroach, Fidel Castro.”

I like thees guy man! I tell my wife, “Djou see thees, mang? Stop doin a fahkin llello and look at thees, mang! Thees a fahkin democracy, mang! Thees fat guy first fahkin candidate to talk about a fahkin issues that matter to me, mang. Djou know who the fahk he is?”

My wife say, “Thees guy, he a fahkin ‘Gingreech’ mang.”

And I say to her, “I like a fahkin Gingreech, mang. Djou would too if you stop putting all that fahkin llello up djour nose, mang!”

Gingreech, he not jus’ some fahkin maricon like thees Mitt guy. Mitt look like a fahkin yacht club whore. I never like guys like a fahkin Mitt and they never like me. Mitt looks at a small businessman like a Tony Montana, and he only sees a fahkin dishwasher. I ain’t a fahkin dishwasher, mang. I Tony fahkin Montana.

But Gingreech dont fahkin care who I am. Gingreech, he all about the fahkin issues that matter, mang. Issues that concern a small fahkin businessman from Florida. Like he say, “That fahkin cockaroach Castro, I keel him for fun, mang. But if djou elect me a Fahkin President of a Djounited State, I carve Castro up real nice, mang.”

Thees a kind of bold talk that America fahkin need, mang.

Me and my friends on our way to vote for a President fahkin Gingreech, mang!

Okay, maybe he not a nice fahkin guy. So fahkin what, mang. Djou think djou better than Gingreech, mang? Lemme tell djou something mang: Djou need people like Gingreech, so djou can point your fahkin finger at thees fat fahkin old guy with a high fahkin voice, and say, “Look at thees fat fahkin wife-swapper, mang. Thees Gingreech, he the fahkin bad guy, mang.” So what, that make djou good, mang? Tony Montana dont care about no fahkin good, mang. I need fahkin results. Thees Gingreech, he fahkin deliver.

Gingreech, he also someone djreal, not like some fahkin phony, mang. I feel sure Gingreech and me, we have a lot in common, mang. I tell my wife, “Gingreech, he the type of guy I can imagine snorting a big fat rail with, djou know?”

I can’t imagine snorting with a fahkin Mitt, or that fahkin old guy who looks like a fahkin Communist, he paranoid enough already, mang. Fahkin buzzkill, djou know? But djou put thees fahkin Gingreech and me in a room with a kee of uncut fahkin llello on a fahkin giant glass table, we talk about anything, djou know? Like business, mang. Or like wifes. Gingreech, he have a fahkin wife a lot like my fahkin wife. She have a blond fahkin hair, and she fahkin thin, just like my wife. She probly put too much fahkin llello up her fahkin nose, just like my wife. Gingreech, he better not swap fahkin Caleesta with my fahkin wife if we hang out together–as a small fahkin businessmang, Tony Montana’s only concern about a fahkin President Gingreech is that thees culo will try to swap his fahkin Caleesta with my fahkin wife, mang. I fahkin kill him if he try.

But djou know somthin’ mang? I respect hees freedom of choice to make that fahkin decision, if he want to get killed wife-swapping, that his fahking choice in free fahking society, mang. Thees is what I love about America—djou have a freedom. Djou have a fahkin opportunity to get a fahkin blond wife even if djou are a fat old guy with a fahkin voice like a Muppet, like thees Gingreech guy. Even if djou a fahkin Vietnam War deserter, it dont fahkin matter, mang!

Eets all about a fahkin economics, mang. Eets all explain in a fahkin theory called “A Fahkin Austria Business Cycle, Mang”. According to thees fahking theory: “First djou get da money. Then after djou get the money, djou get da power. And then djou get the womang, mang. And if djou are a fahkin Gingreech, you swap that womang for another womang. So long as djou keep getting a fahkin money and fahkin power, mang, you can keep swapping a fahkin wifes, mang. It’s about consumer fakhin sovereignty, mang–consumer is a fahkin king, mang!” Thees is what make Djounited State great, mang–a liberty and a human fucking right, djou know? Gingreech, he the only guy who understand a fahkin liberty and a fahking economics.

Just like he understand a fahkin international relation, mang. Gingreech say to a fahkin Iran and a fahkin Fidel Castro, “Djou wanna fuck with me? Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend–after I pull it out of djour wife, mang!”

In a fahkin free-market, first thing mang– djou gotta make some fahkin moves, do a job. Gingreech, he do a job for a some rich fahk name “Freddie Fahkin Mac.” Some small businessmen I talk to, they dont like this Freddie Fahkin Mac. Djou know why? They fahkin scared of thees guy, mang. If Freddie Mac dont want everyone to fahkin hate him, take my advice: Get a new fahkin name, mang. “Freddie Fahkin Mac” –that sound like a fahkin gangster name, djou know? Get a fahkin respectable name, like a fahkin “Frank” or a fahkin “Tom”. If a fahkin people still complain, then tell them to try sticking their head up their ass, see if it fits, mang.

Freddie Fahkin Mac, he what I call a “Job Creator” mang. People fahkin afraid of a Job Creators, mang. But Gingreech, he not afraid. If a Freddie Fahkin Mac say to Gingreech, “Okay fatso! You wanna make some big bucks? Lets see how tough you are. Djou know something ’bout a securitization, fat guy?” That actually happen, mang. And Gingreech, he not afraid at all. So Freddie Mac say, “Djou know how to use a Power Point?”

“I know how to use a fahkin PowerPoint, mang. I ain’t fahkin scared.”

So then Freddie Fahkin Mac say to a fahkin Gingrich, “Okay, I have a job for you then tough guy. A bunch of German pension fund managers are coming to Miami this Friday, they want to buy two kees of synthetic CDOs stuffed with subprime. Triple-A rated, mang. Djou sell these German pension fund managers the CDOs and bring back their pension fund money, djou get a fahkin million-six fee. And gordito, anything goes wrong, y pobrecito! The SEC will make you pay a small fine that’s barely fraction of your profit, and we will all sign a settlement admitting no wrongdoing! Djou think you can handle it, tough guy?”

Gingreech, he take the fahkin job. He not afraid of fahkin risk. You need a fahkin risk if you want a fahkin innovation–like I say, mang, as a small businessmang and a scholar of a fahkin economics, either djou have a fahkin liberty to make a fahkin money and trade in djour old wife for a new wife, or djou live in a fahkin Communist Cuba. I don’ wanna live in a fahkin Communist Cuba again, mang–no way.

Thees why I say to a fahkin Florida: Vote for thees fat guy Gingreech. He the only fahkin guy who understand the fahkin needs of small fahkin businessmen. He the only candidate who’s not afraid of fahkin nothin, who will not hesitate to fahkin kill every single last one of you cockaroaches. Jus like our Founding Fuckin Father intended, mang.

Tony Montana is the Ludwig von Mises Fellow at the Florida-based MANG Institute (Market Analysis for Nation and God), a free-market institute dedicated to the principles of limited government and wife-swapping.  Mr. Montana is the author of the books “I Kill Keynsians for Fun, Mang” and “Say Hello To My Invisible Hand, Djou Fahkin Cockaroach”. He contributed this article to The eXiled.

 

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23 Comments

Add your own

  • 1. Hick  |  January 26th, 2012 at 10:02 pm

    What are those cookies? Those big flat ones dipped into vanilla icing and then halfway dipped into chocolate? What do they call those fakkin’ things MANG? Are they just a California thing?

    Anyway, Newt’s the white side of the cookie, Obama the chocolate side. SAME FAKKING COOKIE MANG.

  • 2. Duarte Guerreiro  |  January 26th, 2012 at 11:22 pm

    I missed reading one of these spastic Exiled essays. Everyone is being so serious lately, where is the joy of the horse sperm pie?

  • 3. gc  |  January 27th, 2012 at 1:14 am

    “Tony Montana is the Ludwig von Mises Fellow at the Florida-based MANG Institute (Market Analysis for Nation and God), a free-market institute dedicated to the principles of limited government and wife-swapping.”

    ^ This is rather genius.

  • 4. gatorade  |  January 27th, 2012 at 1:52 am

    hahaha, This is classic russian Exile stuff

  • 5. Toni M.  |  January 27th, 2012 at 2:00 am

    I thought this was the best paragraph I’d ever read:

    So then Freddie Fahkin Mac say to a fahkin Gingrich, “Okay, I have a job for you then tough guy….”

    Until I read:

    ““Tony Montana is the Ludwig von Mises Fellow at the Florida-based MANG Institute (Market Analysis for Nation and God), a free-market institute dedicated to the principles of limited government and wife-swapping.””

    The entire piece; fucking brilliant. Now I’m off to do some llello.

  • 6. Tyler  |  January 27th, 2012 at 6:04 am

    Good to see you get back to your exiled Moscow roots Ames and company. All these thoughtful anti libertarian diatribes against e coke are much to grown up for me.

    I miss good old fashion immature bardak from you guys.

  • 7. Trevor  |  January 27th, 2012 at 6:31 am

    I heard Gingrich had a mad-on for Castro. Makes sense, the guy is off re-fighting every other battle from at least twenty years ago.

    And Scarface was a terrible fucking movie.

  • 8. Fissile  |  January 27th, 2012 at 6:36 am

    “Djou sell these German pension fund managers the CDOs and bring back their pension fund money, djou get a fahkin million-six fee. And gordito, anything goes wrong, y pobrecito! The SEC will make you pay a small fine that’s barely fraction of your profit, and we will all sign a settlement admitting no wrongdoing! Djou think you can handle it, tough guy?”

    All too true. The above makes the drug trade look like the candy business. The really sad part is that the people engaged in the above “business” don’t have a fraction of Tony’s charm, integrity or class.

  • 9. adam  |  January 27th, 2012 at 8:39 am

    I wanna “I’m Tony fahkin Montana, and I’m tellin you to vote fahkin Gingreech, mang!” t-shirt.

  • 10. chris  |  January 27th, 2012 at 9:57 am

    “The really sad part is that the people engaged in the above “business” don’t have a fraction of Tony’s charm, integrity or class.”

    Spot on. Drug game would eat bankers for snacks.

  • 11. Mason C  |  January 27th, 2012 at 10:28 am

    So I gonna vote for a Gingreech. Only I dohn like this odther womans they all like. She chort and uglee, like she a toad or somethin. And she dead, too, but all they do is talk about her. Talk all fahkin dey like The Beard givin a fahkin speech. And who the fahkin fuck is Juan Gald? I never heard of him. How many keys he move?

  • 12. mookid  |  January 27th, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    I hope geengreech’s first child will be a masculine child.

  • 13. Cum  |  January 27th, 2012 at 7:52 pm

    I drove past the John Galt Health Insurance building the other day, here in South Florida. It’s like, is there a better indicator that you shouldn’t trust an insurance provider than the name John Galt?

  • 14. Margo Adler  |  January 28th, 2012 at 7:05 am

    This is hilarious. Oh God, it made my day. I’m late for work because I e-mailed it to all my friends. Funny! thanks!

  • 15. Dtd  |  January 28th, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    The drug trade is a fucking candy business

  • 16. Ilona  |  January 28th, 2012 at 2:46 pm

    Fahkin Tony mang! Djou still teh mang!

    Djou still haav teh fahkin class mang, unlike thoos Italian fahkin Gomorrah no class, no stail at all scumbag putas!

    Cos Tony mang, djou got teh stail and teh right moves and djou get teh fahkin big picture. Cos djou get wot thees Gingscreech guys are all about: Fredom. Liberty. Teh fahkin American way, mang!

    Djou shud be teh one doin teh fahkin big free-market fahkin big business moves at teh Ground Zero and everywhere else instead of thoos Italian no stail Gomorrah cockaroaches. Fahkin disgrace that wot it is!

    Just look at theem Italian fahkin Gomorrah clowns all dressed up ihn theer feelthy jerseys stolen from some nameless gypsie assholes. No fahkin class at all!

  • 17. Punjabi From Karachi  |  January 28th, 2012 at 8:32 pm

    What happened to your website? I thought you boyz got Sopa-ed Wikileaks style by the American government, cause when I typed exiledonline.com into the address bar, I was redirected to this address:

    http://exiledonline.com/awstats/icon/browser/

  • 18. conorourke  |  January 29th, 2012 at 1:37 am

    As a pot grower, I dread the day when weed is legalized. Death penalty for weed possesion now! Except for me – I am a wealth creator. And it trickles down… to my offshore accounts.

  • 19. TK421  |  January 29th, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    No one will ever refer to Newt Gingrich as “my little friend.”

  • 20. Zhu Bajie  |  January 29th, 2012 at 3:54 pm

    Get Fidel to be a columnist!

  • 21. HippyH8r  |  January 30th, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    “Tony Montana is the Ludwig von Mises Fellow at the Florida-based MANG Institute (Market Analysis for Nation and God),…”

    That was the fucking money shot right there.

  • 22. ferd  |  February 2nd, 2012 at 9:18 pm

    Tony Montana in Goodfellas, community theater.

    Djou know sontheen, maing? You ees a funny guy.

    “Funny how? How I funny, maing? Huh? I fahkin’ amyoos you or sontheen?!”

  • 23. Derp  |  February 3rd, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    Oh shit, you still alive? I knew that videogame about you was a true story! Derp!


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