TONY’S MANSION, SOUTHERN FLORIDA–Djou know something, mang? The other day, I’m watchin my giant 120-inch flat-screen TV, and thees fat guy look right and me and he say something that make me understand a fahkin meaning of a fahkin freedom, mang. Thees fat guy, he say, “I tell djou somethin’ mang, djou vote for me for a fahkin President of a fahkin Djounited State, I gonna kill that fahkin cockaroach, Fidel Castro.”

I like thees guy man! I tell my wife, “Djou see thees, mang? Stop doin a fahkin llello and look at thees, mang! Thees a fahkin democracy, mang! Thees fat guy first fahkin candidate to talk about a fahkin issues that matter to me, mang. Djou know who the fahk he is?”

My wife say, “Thees guy, he a fahkin ‘Gingreech’ mang.”

And I say to her, “I like a fahkin Gingreech, mang. Djou would too if you stop putting all that fahkin llello up djour nose, mang!”

Gingreech, he not jus’ some fahkin maricon like thees Mitt guy. Mitt look like a fahkin yacht club whore. I never like guys like a fahkin Mitt and they never like me. Mitt looks at a small businessman like a Tony Montana, and he only sees a fahkin dishwasher. I ain’t a fahkin dishwasher, mang. I Tony fahkin Montana.

But Gingreech dont fahkin care who I am. Gingreech, he all about the fahkin issues that matter, mang. Issues that concern a small fahkin businessman from Florida. Like he say, “That fahkin cockaroach Castro, I keel him for fun, mang. But if djou elect me a Fahkin President of a Djounited State, I carve Castro up real nice, mang.”

Thees a kind of bold talk that America fahkin need, mang.

Me and my friends on our way to vote for a President fahkin Gingreech, mang!

Okay, maybe he not a nice fahkin guy. So fahkin what, mang. Djou think djou better than Gingreech, mang? Lemme tell djou something mang: Djou need people like Gingreech, so djou can point your fahkin finger at thees fat fahkin old guy with a high fahkin voice, and say, “Look at thees fat fahkin wife-swapper, mang. Thees Gingreech, he the fahkin bad guy, mang.” So what, that make djou good, mang? Tony Montana dont care about no fahkin good, mang. I need fahkin results. Thees Gingreech, he fahkin deliver.

Gingreech, he also someone djreal, not like some fahkin phony, mang. I feel sure Gingreech and me, we have a lot in common, mang. I tell my wife, “Gingreech, he the type of guy I can imagine snorting a big fat rail with, djou know?”

I can’t imagine snorting with a fahkin Mitt, or that fahkin old guy who looks like a fahkin Communist, he paranoid enough already, mang. Fahkin buzzkill, djou know? But djou put thees fahkin Gingreech and me in a room with a kee of uncut fahkin llello on a fahkin giant glass table, we talk about anything, djou know? Like business, mang. Or like wifes. Gingreech, he have a fahkin wife a lot like my fahkin wife. She have a blond fahkin hair, and she fahkin thin, just like my wife. She probly put too much fahkin llello up her fahkin nose, just like my wife. Gingreech, he better not swap fahkin Caleesta with my fahkin wife if we hang out together–as a small fahkin businessmang, Tony Montana’s only concern about a fahkin President Gingreech is that thees culo will try to swap his fahkin Caleesta with my fahkin wife, mang. I fahkin kill him if he try.

But djou know somthin’ mang? I respect hees freedom of choice to make that fahkin decision, if he want to get killed wife-swapping, that his fahking choice in free fahking society, mang. Thees is what I love about America—djou have a freedom. Djou have a fahkin opportunity to get a fahkin blond wife even if djou are a fat old guy with a fahkin voice like a Muppet, like thees Gingreech guy. Even if djou a fahkin Vietnam War deserter, it dont fahkin matter, mang!

Eets all about a fahkin economics, mang. Eets all explain in a fahkin theory called “A Fahkin Austria Business Cycle, Mang”. According to thees fahking theory: “First djou get da money. Then after djou get the money, djou get da power. And then djou get the womang, mang. And if djou are a fahkin Gingreech, you swap that womang for another womang. So long as djou keep getting a fahkin money and fahkin power, mang, you can keep swapping a fahkin wifes, mang. It’s about consumer fakhin sovereignty, mang–consumer is a fahkin king, mang!” Thees is what make Djounited State great, mang–a liberty and a human fucking right, djou know? Gingreech, he the only guy who understand a fahkin liberty and a fahking economics.

Just like he understand a fahkin international relation, mang. Gingreech say to a fahkin Iran and a fahkin Fidel Castro, “Djou wanna fuck with me? Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend–after I pull it out of djour wife, mang!”

In a fahkin free-market, first thing mang– djou gotta make some fahkin moves, do a job. Gingreech, he do a job for a some rich fahk name “Freddie Fahkin Mac.” Some small businessmen I talk to, they dont like this Freddie Fahkin Mac. Djou know why? They fahkin scared of thees guy, mang. If Freddie Mac dont want everyone to fahkin hate him, take my advice: Get a new fahkin name, mang. “Freddie Fahkin Mac” –that sound like a fahkin gangster name, djou know? Get a fahkin respectable name, like a fahkin “Frank” or a fahkin “Tom”. If a fahkin people still complain, then tell them to try sticking their head up their ass, see if it fits, mang.

Freddie Fahkin Mac, he what I call a “Job Creator” mang. People fahkin afraid of a Job Creators, mang. But Gingreech, he not afraid. If a Freddie Fahkin Mac say to Gingreech, “Okay fatso! You wanna make some big bucks? Lets see how tough you are. Djou know something ’bout a securitization, fat guy?” That actually happen, mang. And Gingreech, he not afraid at all. So Freddie Mac say, “Djou know how to use a Power Point?”

“I know how to use a fahkin PowerPoint, mang. I ain’t fahkin scared.”

So then Freddie Fahkin Mac say to a fahkin Gingrich, “Okay, I have a job for you then tough guy. A bunch of German pension fund managers are coming to Miami this Friday, they want to buy two kees of synthetic CDOs stuffed with subprime. Triple-A rated, mang. Djou sell these German pension fund managers the CDOs and bring back their pension fund money, djou get a fahkin million-six fee. And gordito, anything goes wrong, y pobrecito! The SEC will make you pay a small fine that’s barely fraction of your profit, and we will all sign a settlement admitting no wrongdoing! Djou think you can handle it, tough guy?”

Gingreech, he take the fahkin job. He not afraid of fahkin risk. You need a fahkin risk if you want a fahkin innovation–like I say, mang, as a small businessmang and a scholar of a fahkin economics, either djou have a fahkin liberty to make a fahkin money and trade in djour old wife for a new wife, or djou live in a fahkin Communist Cuba. I don’ wanna live in a fahkin Communist Cuba again, mang–no way.

Thees why I say to a fahkin Florida: Vote for thees fat guy Gingreech. He the only fahkin guy who understand the fahkin needs of small fahkin businessmen. He the only candidate who’s not afraid of fahkin nothin, who will not hesitate to fahkin kill every single last one of you cockaroaches. Jus like our Founding Fuckin Father intended, mang.

Tony Montana is the Ludwig von Mises Fellow at the Florida-based MANG Institute (Market Analysis for Nation and God), a free-market institute dedicated to the principles of limited government and wife-swapping.  Mr. Montana is the author of the books “I Kill Keynsians for Fun, Mang” and “Say Hello To My Invisible Hand, Djou Fahkin Cockaroach”. He contributed this article to The eXiled.

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