Nick Rock-n-Roll and Alexander Sklyar. Saturday, October 28th. Movie Theater Ulan Bator.

Who said hip-hop is a black urban phenomenon? Nick Rock-n-Roll was writing rhymes back when you were sucking your mother’s dick. He’s coming to you straight from 5481 with hip-hop from the tundra, ought to be wasted as always and louder than your average rapper. And something in the way he smiles reminds us of Putin.

After Nick kicks his beat, Alexander Sklyar will premier his rock opera Low Tundra. Sklyar steals his act from Henry Rollins and spends all his time preaching that he doesn’t need drugs to be hard. But that’s not the only reason he should be shot. His Low Tundra is based on Viktor Pelevin’s writings, directly implicating Sklyar in crimes against humanity. Besides, what sort of straight edge bastard looks to a wannabe druggie for the inspiration to his rock opera? Saturday will be the first time the whole show is presented unabridged with flashing lights, costumes and dancing fags. It will suck, but it’s promising for those looking to pick up a psuedo-intellectual chick with shitty taste in rock stars and a weakness for sweaters that hide your neck. Free eXile pizza to anyone who kills Sklyar and brings us his severed head. Tix R20.

Ray Charles. Wednesday and Thursday, November 1 and 2. Kremlin.

What can we say, Ray old boy? Five years ago, we didn’t shell out the money for your last Moscow concert, and we haven’t slept a night since. That nagging sense of what if just won’t go away. Maybe the Moscow Times would have offered us jobs, maybe Russia would be a member of the WTO, maybe we could have realized the eXile’s true commercial potential. Ah, golden days of love and youth and springtime. Rumor has it he is still blind. And tone deaf. If you get laid by a chick you meet there, no need to worry about protection. You won’t catch claps there. Tix: $20 to $200.

Phantom of the Opera. Saturday, October 28. Club XIII.

No, we haven’t developed culture. This year, for Club XIII’s Halloween extravaganza, they’ve decked out the club as a mockup of the Bolshoi’s stage. If that’s not enough for you, there’ll be altars for Satan where you can tear your girlfriend’s heart out and live music played on saws. House DJs Grad and Kolya do what they always do and you can fuck in the toilet to the fashionable sounds of the resident DJ from London club GodsKitchen. If you have a costume you get in for free. But, if you actually want to look good, you can rent a much cooler costume there for ten bucks.

Halloween Party. Thursday, October 26. Studio.

Can’t say we know why this one’s getting billed as a Halloween bash. It’s almost a week from the day and has nothing to do with costumes. Maybe it’s an avant-garde thing you wouldn’t understand. Andrei Barteniv, Moscow designer and avant-gardist will host this happening. He’s been collecting shit for the last two weeks from around Moscow’s dumpsters, and is going to share his findings with Studio’s crowd. There’ll be rank milk cartons and other assorted goodies tossed around the club and they’re calling it a party. The plus side is you can comfort some unfortunate Russian ice queen who arrived in a Gucci suit and got hit with a molding banana peel. Play your cards right and you might even get to fuck her. Imagine, a chance to fuck a usually frigid New Russian with the price of a ticket. What a bargain!

Soul Kitchen. Sunday, November 5. Hippopatam.

Whoa, get on up. Get on the scene. Yeah baby. It doesn’t get much hotter. Hippopatam is creating a soul themed night every Sunday. Ex-pat fixture and sometimes eXile cover story material Stanley Williams is going to be managing the weekly Soul Kitchen. DJs will play soul, rap and down tempo for all those folk who love to grab their own crotches. Crowds should turn up for the premier, so you better dig out your large lapels and get down. And, Stan, don’t think this means that we forgot how much money you owe us.