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Issue #22/103, November 9 - 23, 2000   smlogo.gif


  b a r   r e v i e w
By Dan Higgins
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FAST PHI DELT

By Dan Higgins

I know that I am supposed to leave this bit till the end, but itís just too fucking funny to wait. Besides, Iíve got problems holding it sometimes.

You see, this chick I picked up last weekend came home with me, you know, to get stuffed, and, get this, I didnít even have enough time to flip her on her face before I blew my load. Man, I doubt I even lasted two fucking minutes.

So, this Russian bitch is lying there with her pleather pants around her ankles looking at me as if I just robbed a babushka. Fucking speachless. Itís like she didnít even have time to get wet before I lubed her myself. I didnít even pop her tits out of her bra before I finished.

Shit, a lot of guys hate to admit they blow early. For me, fuck, itís funny. I mean, I hadnít fucked in over a week, of course Iím going to coat her quickly. Fucking slut, itís not like she was fucking me to get off anyway. She just wanted to get banged against the headboards by a full-blooded Phi Delt. Of course, I didnít even have enough time to do that properly, knock her head, that is. But fuck it. Thatís her problem.

Anyway, the bitch should be grateful for the time I showed her last Saturday. Without me she never would have seen the inside of Boogie Woogie. But Iím getting ahead of myself. I guess you all want to know where I found such an easy piece of ass anyway.

It all started at this place called DIRTY DANCING right next to Belorussky station. Actually, the first time I saw it, Iíd thought it was a fucking Canadian Bagel because the sign on top. But then I walked by it last weekend and there was this line as if this place were selling the last bagel in New York. And I thought these guys were supposed to hate kikes.

Turns out they converted the store into a disco with a Latin theme. So, I figured if all these folks want to check this place out, the readers ought to fucking know.

I charged through the line, watched some drunk and ugly fuck get busted for face control - although I saw drunker and uglier bitches inside - and flashed my magic card. It was still pretty early, maybe midnight, but the place was packed with slutty student types. The ratio was favorable, too. They werenít much to look at, but they had some eager beavers.

There were a lot of Chinese chicks, too, which didnít make any fucking sense. I thought they werenít allowed to have fun. But these ones were getting shitfaced with the rest of us, although they didnít ever seem to leave the groups they came in. I tried to convince them that I was half Chinese and my name was Long Dong, but they werenít having it.

The only fucking Latin thing was an occasional Ricky Martin song and the inside was shitty Russky remont, but that didnít keep crowds of rhythmless chicks from trying to salsa. Even worse were these fucking Chechens who thought that dark skin means that they are the spiritual kin of some fucking Chico. The fucks thought that salsa is just a bunch of Spics just twisting their shoulders. Not like I can do it either, but at least I donít fucking try.

I was on a time budget because I still had to check out BOOGIE WOOGIE. But, I heard that it was pretty exclusive, so I figured I had to score at Diry Dancing. To make a short story shorter, this chick in some bazaar pants bumped into me just as I was starting to look around. Fucking bitch spilled my beer, which put me at an advantage right there. It only cost R70, but that meant she owed me.

She was fine to look at, skinny enough and big melons. Could have used a new wardrobe, though. But Iím no fashion fag, and in about 15 minutes we were already leaving for Boogie Woogie. It was a different world man. More Mercedes than at Phi Delt reunions. It was fucking elite. I mean, beer there costs more (R150) than a finger of cognac (R130).

They tried to do up the fucking seventies theme, with no less than four disco balls on the dancefloor. It actually looked alright. The bartenders were all sporting Ďfros and the waitresses had glittery wigs. The place was pretty full of fucking gorgeous girls who couldnít dance any better than the lowlifes at Dirty Dancing. They werenít heavy on the knockers, but tall, thin and dressed like sluts. Aside from the occasional disco remix, the music was generic Euroclub shit.

Some faggot Shurra, who I hear is pretty big at expensive clubs, came out and preformed a couple songs. Stupid fuck must have had his teeth bashed in and is working the nightclubs to make money to get them fixed. He didnít do it for me, but Tanya, if that was her name, seemed star struck. Anyway, I impressed her more by getting her a free drink and showing her the VIP lounge upstairs. Aside from two chicks up there, I guess I was the only VIP.

Didnít stick around long though, because I had business with Tanya that couldnít wait.


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