Issue #12/93, June 22 - July 6, 2000 
SPORTING WOOD
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Normally, the only sport that captures my caprice is cricket or perhaps croquet. But to be truly honest, I prefer the chase, especially when they’re chaste. (Which incidentally brings to mind the chimera of how Mr. Gusinsky spent his evenings in Butyrka: is he still chaste?)
Compounding this priapic puzzle, is the fact that the club I went to review last week is an affiliate of and neighbor to Moscow’s legendary Metelitsa club, where no one leaves chaste, and chastity belts are strictly verboten. There, the sport is chasing tail, the oldest profession in the world, with girls that sometimes are model-level babes of the sort you might even find at Tsirk or back in the heyday of Galereya or Jazz Kafe, when I was a frequent A-lister. Most expatriate biznesmyeni will have to pony up upwards of three hundred dollars or more to earn the chance to sleep with one of these dyevubabes, but the few times I have been there, I have been able to score for free. I don’t think it’s necessarily because I’m charming or handsome, but because I rate so much better than the balding pot-bellied padres, and because I lead such a unique and fascinating life as a journalist.
If women are one of man’s obsessions, then certainly sports must be the other. Perhaps this is why the wise management of Metelitsa have now opened up a one-of-a-kind in Moscow sports entertainment club, Metelitsa Sport Land (or “Sport Lend” in the Russian, a nod no doubt to the Lend-Lease Act). The club is an outgrowth of the too-successful-for-its-own-good Metelitsa Racing, a small, well-run sports betting bar adjacent to the casino/club. They’ve since shut it down and constructed a massive basement club, brightly painted an well-lit, with a main TV screen large enough to show first-run feature films, and an audience of sports lovers from Russian and the EU and beyond to grace it.
Certainly one of the most exciting features is the virtual golf game. Before I tried my hand at it, a very krutoi Russian guy nearly killed a few of the nearby audience, who were glued to the super-screen TV showing Holland and Denmark competing on the field. When my turn came, I fared a bit better. The exciting thing about the golf game is that you hit a real ball with real clubs, and the huge virtual screens change as if to simulate your place on the green. As my accuracy increased, I noticed that some of the girls in the sports club were eyeing me greedily, as were the waitresses.
But Metelitsa Sport Lend isn’t that kind of place. It is the place to watch games (Frank, the director, has promised six NFL football games a week this fall, something our American readers would appreciate!), bet on games (the back room features dozens of TV showing horse racing, soccer, cricket, and whatever else is going on), as well as slots and a few gaming tables. The food is also nothing to be sneezing at. When my friend the Shah finally met up with me, we sampled some of the goods and came away agreeing that the super-cheap Caesar Salad, Fried Calamari, and greasy hamburger were among the best deals in Moscow. In fact, all of the food is top-notch bar food, and cheap as you would hope.
But the best part of course is taking your earnings, or your good mood after seeing your national team score the gamewinning goal, then heading upstairs for some dessert.
The Shah and I argued a bit over the exorbitant prices at the door, where my eXile press card didn’t work its magic, but were abated when we came to the Garden of Eden bar area on the top floor.
I noticed the Shah talking to a 22-year-old girl from Voronezh named Anzhela, while I macked up a 19-year-old model-type babe from Belarus.
At one point, when I had to borrow a little money from the Shah to buy drinks, he said to me, “Did you see?”
“What?” I asked.
“Look now. Look behind you, to the left, the girl in the white.”
“Oh yeah, I’ve talked to her, she’s totally into me,” I said.
“If you look from where I’m standing, you can see the outline of her pussy. It looks like a nice pussy,” he said.
I turned around and macked her up, but she quickly demanded $400. I think she was a lesbian.
In fact there were a lot of girls who were lesbians that night, demanding all sorts of money. And when I was willing to maybe pay $100 or so, I couldn’t even get the Shah to front me some money. I think he’s becoming more stingy lately. Either that, or jealous of my success.
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