the eXile - [sic]

Issue #12/93, June 22 - July 6, 2000

WHO IS DAN SAVAGE?

Dear Mark,

I was recently in Phoenix for the annual convention of the Association of Alernative Newsweeklies he1re in the States and I saw a few copies of your amazing paper. I manage the syndication of “Savage Love,” a sex and relationship advice column by Dan Savage. I’d love to talk to you about the possibility of you guys picking the column up for The Exile. I’m sending

some info. To read the column, go to http://www.thestranger.com/current/savage.html

Hope to talk to you real soon.

—Kevin

Dan Savage has been writing “Savage Love,” an internationally syndicated sex advice column, for nine years. The column runs in the SF Weekly, The Village Voice, New Times Los Angeles, Philadelphia Weekly, the Chicago Reader, and in more than twenty-five other papers in the United States, Asia, and Canada. Dan’s frank, practical approach to sexuality and relationships has sparked debate on a variety of cultural topics from women’s orgasms, safe sex, and abusive boyfriends to Christians, Hollywood blockbusters, and gerbils. [... bla bla bla...]

Dear Kevin,

Sounds to us like this Dan Savage guy is real edgy. You might even say fringe-y. As edgy as an episode of Aly McBeale. The best thing about it is that it’s so popular with all the McAlternative papers in America. So, Kevin, since you’ve decided that your life’s purpose is to act as the pimp to this Dan Savage, all we can say is... we’re damn proud.

FLATTERY PORN

Dear [sic]

Reading your book. Only at chapter two. Frigging hilarious, but you’re dragging me down. I wanted a villa in the hills with signed 49er memorabilia and a damn Blazer but you have tell me how it all really ends, don’t you! Brain cancer and an ungrateful stepchild.

I suddenly have the overwhelming urge to quit my job and drop all my new “friends”. Especially the one who once told me while driving down El Camino that he read “one book” for leisure since he got out of school and he still figured out how scam a 90k a year managerial position for some tech firm run by an Indian who dresses like a million bucks but has a wife who dresses in her old world peasant clothes. Then again, don’t they all? She’s probably happier than me.

Still, it’s a good book which I’ve already recommended to others (who should buy their own copy). I don’t even mind that it has the dimensions of a teacher’s supplement to freshmen level accounting workbook exercises. I was going to to get the hard cover, and not wait around for the paperback, but you beat me to the punch.

In any event, fuck Helen Womack and her tales of the poor. Slava and Olya sell carrots for a living. Slava can’t get it up anymore and smokes six packs of Belyamorkanal a day. Olya still runs a Soviet era still operation in their one bathtub and sells the output in old Stolichnaya bottles at the Medvedkovo metro station. And all direct ancestors and descendants are now dead, completing the Darwinian cycle. Tony Blair is a stud. Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Scharfy

Sunnyvale

Dear Scharfy,

This letter is T-shirt material. You praise the right things (us) and attack the bad things (other people). Keep up the good work.

ARON IS MURDER

Dear eXile,

These guys NEED to go on your hate list.

http://www.meatstinks.com/

Aron Wright

Dear Mr. Wright,

Hey, we just realized something. You’re “Mr. Wright”. That must mean that chicks want you, cuz you’re “Mr. Wright”. But if you’re Mr. Right, then what the fuck are you doing wanking off on the web writing us a letter? Looks like it’s time for you to apply for a name change. To something like “Aron McBeale”.

FUDGE PAK-R

Dear Editor,

I am writing to you about the possibility of writing on a freelance or retainer basis for your publication. I can send you my resume and also samples of my recent work, if required.

Pakistan is a country inhabited by more than 130 million people, with more than 42 million living in absolute poverty. There are many factors behind the problems this country is facing-militarization, breach of fundamental human rights, state’s misplaced economic priorities, illiteracy, environmental degradation, etc. Most issues are big enough, I believe, to be given space in prestigious international publications, since the mainstream media mostly covers the mainstream issues and leave out areas that are impacting the lives of the people.

As an active journalist in Pakistan for six years, I have worked in a daily newspaper and in an international news agency, and written as a freelance for a number of weekly, monthly and speciality publications. My area of expertise is development journalism, especially regarding the environment, health, anti-people corporate activity, human rights and the local implications of international agreements. On June 5 this year, I was awarded the Best Environment Journalist Award by the government of Pakistan. My strength as a journalist lies in my ability to get at the heart of an issue without losing sight of the larger context and its social impact. With my experience on the NewsDesk and as a reporter, I can cover breaking stories and write news analysis as well as researched-based features. By developing a network of contacts in government, NGOs and the private sector, I have access to information, which is otherwise difficult to tap into.

I am confident my skills as a journalist can make a strong contribution to your publication. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Muddassir Rizvi
H # 147; St # 54;
G-10/3; Islamabad
Pakistan-44000
Tel: 92-51-298446
Fax: 92-51-291552

Dear Mr. Rizvi,

You sure as heck can make a strong contribution to our publication. As a space-filling laughingstock. Thanks!

PASS THE FIST

Dear Mr. Dolan,

After reading every single one of your mordant and occasionally lauditory reviews on Amazon.com (and the eXile), I’ve reached the conclusion that you’re either in possession of a brain slightly larger than a leprechaun’s testicle, OR, like many of today’s gormless pedegogues, you’re completely and conspicuously oblivious to 85 years of world history. Let me bring you up-to-date so you can tune into sanity FM. Historically, in any ‘dictatorship of the proletariat’, unless you have total control of your own affairs in the international money market, you can’t carry out your experiments internally. These ‘experiements’ often involve the state distributing income independently of a market, which in turn can only be accomplished by depriving individuals (the prole) or groups (such as corporations) of the right to produce and sell what they think buyers are willing to pay for. This is precisely what your fraudulent ‘dictatorship of the proletariat’ does. For you see, what is to be produced does not depend on the demands of consumers, but on the independant decisions of government planners (the very same ‘civilized’ people who devote their time to passing laws regulating the movement and literature of the dissident class). Production, therefore, served the purposes of planners, of the government, than those of any individual consumer. Citizens, unable to decide for themselves what to produce or sell, lost one freedom. And, as the sole producer and employer, the governemment found it easy to restrict political freedom, for political freedom could be used to supercede central with individual plans. Eventually, the Soviet Union went broke trying to stay one step ahead in the arms race after the Yanks fooled and intimidated them with the histronics of the Stars Wars Program. So, to recapitulate, the great experiment that H.G. Wells once lauded the unlimited potential of and that Karl Marx claimed was an inevitable and final steppingstone for all capitalist countries, turned out to be a big rancid croc. Communism was declared officially dead and buried over a decade ago. It simply doesn’t and will never work. It’s as plain as an Albanian pin-up. This Reinforces my unprovoked judgment that you and your apologetic kind ought to be promptly lit on fire and thrown in hell to be raped by Satan (Michael Foot). Or better yet, given an “earnest” beating of the un-ironically detached kind by Jedediah Purdy. But Gestapo tactics don’t have to be an option for you. Since I’m a pacifist, I’ll merely lend you a helping hand by recommending a book that may put this madness to rest along with such anachronistic ideologies as Communism. Go to this URL and read this book.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0300076207/qid=960935386/sr=1-2/002-1774414-9484045

Un-ironically,

Scott Cameron

Dear Mr. Cameron,

Neither Dr. Dolan nor anyone else here has a clue what the fuck you’re ranting about, but since you’re a pacifist, we’ll be sure to beat the living fuck out of you if we ever see you walking down the street. And make sure you turn the other cheek while we’re doing it.

PURDY PLEASE!

Dear Mr. Dolan,

I’ve not cried so much over a book review (Jedediah Purdy’s book) in years—that is, I laughed so hard, I started crying. Your use of language, like a rapier, skewered young Mr. Purdy in one of the most brilliant, blunt commentaries I’ve ever seen. One problem—now I MUST buy the book!!!!

Keep up the good work. Someone has to cut through the over inflated self indulgent garbage on the literary scene these days. Thank you for doing just that in such an entertaining way.

Figmunt

Dear Figmunt,

If Dr. Dolan were in charge of handing out T-shirts for “well-composed” letters to the editor, you’d bet he’d give you one. But since he isn’t, you’re going to have to send another letter, specifically praising the editors as well.

JEWSINSKY

Hey guys,

What do you think about Gusinsky’s fat ass in the isolation cell at Buterski? Putin’s “message” may not be press-friendly, but see if you can pick the correct interpretation:

1st weekly “Morda v Snegu” contest

1. If you can manage to steal in excess of $10 million, you can enjoy the same comfort.

2. You may be allowed to read people’s mail, bug their offices, and use it for blackmail, but don’t fuck with my mail.

3. Yuri Luzhkov, this buds for you.

4. Give fat Sasha Kiselov something else to whine about, we prefer Dorenko.

P.S. For Eddik: I’ve got a great proposition for ya, this guy I work with is a 100% “Lukianov” for Putin, even walks the same (I know, I know, . . . impossible), any suggestions?

An Asshole in Almetevsk

Dear Asshole,

Your anti-Semitism shocks and offends us. Cease and desist, or we’ll give you a T-shirt!

FUCK ME

I thought of the Exile when I found this site — check it out. http://www.fuckedcompany.com/

Beverly

Dear Beverly,

You said “fucked”. That’s pretty cool. Huh-huh.

THE BEST OF HIS IDIOCY

I heard you guys on “to the best of our knowledge” . sounds like a bunch of fun. I have a question and I didn’t know where else to turn: I was thinking that it would be fun to have a lenin statue, lifesize or thereabouts. Let me tell you why, fathers day is coming up, and my dad mentioned that he would like to get one, paint it purple and put a mcdonalds uniform on it and put it in his front yard, How much do you think procuring the statue would be and how would I go about it.

Thanks, and have a great day!

Ray Rengo
Membership / Development Associate
California Historical Society
678 Mission Street
San Francisco, CA 94105
(415) 357-1848 x. 14

Dear Mr. Rengo,

Fuck off and die.

HOWARD THE DEAD DUCK

Hello Boys ,

As a formmer whoremongering execfakelooser living in the land of devushka,51/57 stary Arbatt to be exact...I was wondering if your site has been shut down by Dr.Jeckal//Mr.Putin ? Are the tax police at you hindside,will I see a new issue or is it asleep with the fish.

Best Regards,

Andrew Howard

C hicago,Il

Dear Mr. Howard,

One of the whores from our newspaper has been looking for you for over a year now. The reason is... we don’t know how to say it, so we’ll just say it... well, she’s tested positive for AIDS, and so has anyone whom she coughed on. So, you probably won’t be living long enough to see our next issue. Sorry about that.