Issue #21/102, Oct 26 - Nov 9, 2000   

CRACK MALLS

It is now fair to say that the cocaine derivative crack has proved to be not so commercially viable in the long term as it was originally hoped in the heady early-80s when the drug first “came on the scene and spread like wildfire,” as noted in the Mario Van Peebles classic New Jack City. If it had, however, you can be fairly certain that there would have been a one-stop, all-purpose “Crack Mall” shopping center located in every cozily sterilized suburb in America. Moscow, of course, more or less missed out on the whole crack boom back in the Reagan/Thatcher/Gorbachev era, but at long last the Russian capital finally has an establishment aptly named to become the city’s quintessential “Crack Mall,” should the necessity for one arise—KRAKHMAL.

Don’t let the name fool you, though—this new eatery on Leningradsky Prospekt is actually another one of these indecisively exotic places with food and drink prices that are borderline-silly and ludicrous, respectively, that caters to the nouveau riche element that enjoys driving its black Mercedes fashion accessories on the sidewalk and frightening unwitting pedestrians. I’m rather at a loss as to what connotations Krakhmal, or Starch, might have for overdressed flatheads, third-tier pop stars, and their rapidly aging molls—and frankly, the management at Krakhmal doesn’t seem to know why they chose the name either (nor could they even positively identify the nationality of their chef, although they seem fairly certain that he’s “not Russian”). Still, inasmuch as starch is a key source of carbohydrates, we probably shouldn’t scoff at the name—especially since starch is actually well represented on the menu, whose dishes span the legendary Silk Route from Northern Africa and the heart of the Middle East through present-day Uzbekistan and on to Asia proper.

If you glean nothing else from this review, you should know that the hummus ($5) is wonderful, the one dish that you absolutely should not miss. Quite flavorful in its own right, it comes with a tiny pool of red-pepper sauce off to the side and thin Armenian-style lavash for picking it up. We didn’t try the tahini ($5) or eggplant salad ($6), but based on the experience with the hummus, these might be good choices as well (this also might shed some light on the question of the chef’s mysterious nationality). Other intriguing-sounding (if not appetizing) starters include the Jewish stuffed carp ($12).

For the unabashed salad man in your dining contingent, Krakhmal proudly offers the Semiramis ($10; one of several references on the menu to the legendary Assyrian queen, this is basically a Greek salad, as we were informed by the unsettlingly shifty server), rucola with shrimp ($12; repeated requests as to the dressing components yielded only “oil” from the aforesaid shifty server), and Arabian ($10; a middling couscous-based effort). I personally sampled the duck salad ($12), which at least in terms of appearance resembled the smoked duck appetizer on the original Uley menu. The flavor was something else entirely however—the duck slices were largely tasteless, while the lettuce had grown soggy in a muddy-tasting and watery dressing. As for the soups, you may feel comfortable taking a chance on a $6 vegetable puree, but I did not. Likewise, $10 is a very silly price to pay for a lagman that is essentially a watery kharcho with egg noodles. Also, be aware that the $2 pirozhki are single-serving, bite-sized items presumably sliced from a larger common pie.

If you are easily amused, then you’ll definitely want to skip directly to the bottom of the entrees, to the vareniki with duck ($16). However, the laugh will be on you if you order them, as the so-called duck is more or less indistinguishable from the mystery mince meat that comes in your garden-variety stolovaya pelmeny. The “vegetable” vareniki were a bit more inspiring, but still not exactly meriting the $12 price tag. But perhaps most disappointing was the Szechuan lamb ($20), which tasted rather like liver fried in A1 sauce and came with plain couscous on the side. Maybe it actually was lamb meat, but Szechuan… no way. Also available for $20 is Chinese carp, which I can only assume would go nicely with the Jew-carp appetizer. And as for the Assyrian chicken wings ($16), well I’ll just leave that to your imagination, I think.

Desserts include apple strudel with ice cream ($6), Semiramis cake ($6; your guess is as good as mine), and assorted exotic ice creams ($6). The coconut version is certainly refreshing enough, and comes served—appropriately enough—in a hollowed-out coconut husk. The espresso ($3) comes with a nice thick layer of creamy froth on top and is definitely worth your while if you’re into that sort of thing. Nondescript Italian wine at $8 a glass may sound extravagant, but at least they have the good sense to put it in a massive glass. Hell, mud people who don’t know any better might even be tricked into believing they’re drinking a fine old Barolo. Presumably, it is these same types who appreciate the massive gold candlesticks in the window, tacky faux-harem decor, and de rigueur floorshow (techno DJ accompanied by white-suited trumpeter and saxophonist on a recent weekend night). Do such things a “Crack Mall” make? More than likely the question is moot, particularly here.

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