Issue #23/48, September 24 - October 8, 1998
Well, eXholes, hantavirus must be one hell of a motivating tool, because Burt, our defenseless prognosticating lab chimp, got his act together versus the spread right quick the instant we laid our hypodermic full of the painful cell-munching disease out in front of his cage. After a lousy debut against the spread in week 2, the syphillitic chimp bounced back with a vengeance in week 3, going 9-3-1 against Las Vegas lines and winning the eXile a big gnarly pile o'coin.
We've got a special surprise in store for ol' Burtie this week-a big fat pork patty stuffed to the brim with Trichina worms, just waiting to be shoved into his food slot. If he loses money or drops more than five games against the spread this week, he'll find every muscle in his body teeming with these hungry little buggers, which will ball up in painful little nests and send him careening into what will almost certainly be an extended and ultimately fatal bout of laboratory-pure Trichinosis. We're looking at the bottle we drew the sample from right now-the label says it was a very good year. Burt beter hope he never finds out. In any case, here's how our sports chimp is calling week 4:
Burt thinks that even he might be 3-0 if he'd played NFC East teams three weeks in a row. They will need a big steel sling to hang Pittsburgh's collective ass in if Kordell and co., whose owners expected to make the playoffs this year, lose this one at home to Rickey (give me the ball every motherfucking time) Watters and 936 year-old Seattle QB Warren Moon. Our bet: $30 on Pittsburgh.
This is just the kind of game Burt likes: a duel between two sub-.500 AFC Central teams with obnoxious white-bread quarterbacks and preposterous helmet designs. With tough games like this, Burt always goes with the points, which in this case means Eel No Donnell and his slithering Bengals. Our bet: $40 on Cincinnati.
(1-2) at Lions
A new lesion appears on Burt's body every time a rookie quarterback starts a game, and it looks like he'll get no relief this week. Our chimp figures that either Charlie Btch will be driven several miles under the astroturf by Warren Sapp and the vicious Bucs, or Scott Mitchell will somehow find a way to throw a game-losing interception from the bench. Our bet: $250 on Tampa Bay.
(2-0) at 49ers
Burt received a mild shot of common cold virus this week when it was revealed that he couldn't name a single player on the Atlanta Falcons roster. Little did he know: we can't either. Our bet: $80 on San Francisco.
(3-0) at Oilers
The Jags have caused Burt nothing but pain this year, so like the good little Pavlovian animal that he is, he's now oozing reverent pus all over the north Florida area. Tennessee will make a bold move and switch Eddie George's first and last names around to confuse Jacksonville's defense, but it won't work. Our bet: $30 on Jacksonville.
Burt's previous scientific employers were Nike marketing technicians, so he's genetically conditioned to buy whatever Deion Sanders is selling. Fortunately, we keep his cage and his credit cards away from the phone. That means we're safe from any threat that our chimp might buy into this Deion-at-option-quarterback nonsense. The Cowboys are worse than their record, and the Raiders are due. Our bet: $60 on Oakland.
Burt doesn't care what the line ends up being for this game; he's picking Denver. We agree. Our bet: $120 on Denver.
Dom Capers can probably smell that post-season hantavirus shot already. The smell will be stronger after the Pack gets through with him. Our bet: $100 on Green Bay.
"Grbac" in Burt's native Rwandan means "Deliverance from bleeding rash". Our bet: $100 on KC
More rookie quarterbacks, more lesions. Our bet: $30 on the Giants.
Burt's seeing purple, and it's not just the bruises from all those burst blood vessels. Take the Vikes minus the points to keep the Bears a league joke. Our bet: $100 on Minnesota.
As Burt would say, if there weren't so much pus in his mouth, this is a game it's a shame someone has to win. Burt's pick influenced by news that we'll be making one three-inch incision in his belly every time Peyton Manning throws an interception. His and our bet: $30 on New Orleans.
Watching this game will be like watching Burt thrash around in agony after an injection of strychnine: lots of activity, none of it constructive. When all else fails, bet with the home team. Our bet: $50 on St, Louis.