Issue #23/48, September 24 - October 8, 1998

ANGRY WHITE MAIL

Dear Hairball:
Having survived the recent merger of my bank with a western one and the even more recent economic meltdown, I am feeling pretty good about myself (no-cut contract through March). However, what is really bumming me out is your esteemed organ's diminishing Expatella reporting. Yes, I know some of them have left and that sales of 50 mm Tampon shells are plummeting. And I realize that some aerobics classes are now undersubscribed (they didn't improve the cellulite-to-body-weight ratios, anyway). But, I hope that does not mean that you no longer regard Expatellas as pernicious influences. Note: to avoid redundancy, I do not preface Expatella with "fat-ankled." These western cows should lead, follow or get out of the way. Why does every Expatella insist on talking (ad nauseum) to every expat man she encounters? I mean, I don't want to hear about "Arthur Andersen did this...," "Herbalife did that...". When I converse with a woman, I want to discuss when were her ankles last around her ears or when she last tasted man-milk. Expatellas are not wanted here, no one gives a shit about them and why haven't they left already? This herd of buffalo should stay away from our watering holes, stop invading our stomping grounds and, by the way, no one wants to hear their opinion of the Hungry Duck (it was here when they were in training bras, and will be here long after their tits hit their knees). Lastly, Expatellas should stop talking condescendingly to our dates simply because they haven't graduated high school, yet.

If encouraged by your reply, I can opine further. If not, I want these broads to think of the following, while driving to the airport one last time (doubtless emitting a vagina fart enroute):
I THINK THAT ALL EXPATELLAS SHOULD BE BITCH-SLAPPED, BUTT-FUCKED AND THEN SHIPPED BACK TO LESBOS.

Yours,
Super GS

Ms. Lally, is that you? Jean, are you just trying to make us look bad? 'Cuz this has got to be a setup. The eXile would like to state very plainly that it supports and encourages eXhole-eXpatella relationships, that we always have, and that any attempt to paint our editorial stance otherwise is a baldfaced lie. We're not saying that because we're scared of being forced home in the next six months, either. Nuh-uh. We're saying that because, well, we mean it. And by the way, GS, don't bother opining further. You already summed it up with witty precision in that last sentence of yours.

GOD SAVE THE TOODLEPIP

Dear Exile,
like the one on the laws of the Russian Federation but most of your suggestions aren't randomly stupid enough to get into the real Statute books. You also forgot to mention the obligatory fines and penalties that come with every law of the Russian Federation.

As for us Brits, we don't need to sign any bits of paper to tell everyone how totally and utterly significant we are - it's obvious for all to see - but it's nice tto know you lot look up to us

Keep up the good work old bean

Toodlepip
Rob

Dear Rob,
We couldn't quite understand what you said there, we were too busy looking at your wooden teeth. Distracting, you know. It's not every day you see someone with... Wait, what? Those AREN'T wooden teeth you have? You mean they're... REAL teeth? And EVERY Brit has teeth just like yours?! Jesus H. Christ, we're sorry! We didn't know that in England... er, we won't bring it up again. Just like we promise we won't bring up, you know, how we had to bail you out in double-yew double-yew two. So here's our official stance: Britain's empire still spans the globe; when the Prime Minister sneezes, the world shivers; most Russians would prefer to hold their savings in pounds instead of rubles; you make great lovers.

SAUER GRAPES

As bright as you are, you've undoubtedly noticed the artless anti-SBS Agro campaign spotting the pages of MT lately. Derk, in his latest bit of self-aggrandizement, has graciously offered to rescue the frozen salaries of th paper's (already grossly underpaid) Russian employees. His heroism apparently does't stop him from plastering it all over his own publication.

But were you aware that now the Westerners at the paper are mutely swallowing a 20% pay cut this month? Payments on the wage arrears look about as likely as they do in the mining industry, and there's no promise of a return to normal next month.

And the cutback trend is catching on: one major section (I'll let you guess) is already gone, taking several staff members with it, and further layoffs are a very near possibility. Once-taboo words like "folding" and "insolvency" are becoming common office jargon. In a recent newsroom appearance, Sauer painted the situation in uncharacteristically gloomy terms. I give the whole rickety enterprise until the end of October.

That would consign the Moscow Times to the archives as an amatuerish, less-than-ten-year, essentially ineffectual experiment, invoking a shrug at best from disinterested Russia-watchers. Could such a flash-in-the-pan, insignificant operation really have been worthy of all your vitriol - for over a year?

As an Ernst&Young acquaintance once surprised me with a singular flash of insight: "Everything they write in the Moscow Times is bullocks anyway." Everyone knows that what is essentially nothing more than a reader for Russian students of English offered about the same quality journalism as your average college newspaper - it even looks the part.

How could you ever expect to be taken seriously if your invented arch-rival wasn't?

There was a tower worth toppling, though: Independent Media, which sold more ads last year than any media entity in Russia, is now, according to Sauer, facing bankruptcy as its high-paying advertisers run scared. Several publications have already gone under.

It is my suspicion that a conglomerate of slick, image-powered glossies - mere lazy replicas of their Western counterparts - never really had an interest in stability. Like the rest of the blood-sucking, carpet-bagger crowd in this city, Derk and his totally out-of-touch ilk shouldn't be too surprised when their ill-targeted efforts fall short of the mark.

Doomed from the outset - true - but is it just an advertising problem? Or fatally insufficient market research?

An interested party,
A. Black

Dear Black,
If only it were true, we'd put out an issue announcing, "Gentlemen, our work here is done," and all get real jobs. As it stands, we're gonna be battling neck 'n neck for the first to the bankruptcy line, as businesses collapse and money flees. Seems you've already fled-or perhaps you were one of the lucky 10 to get axed last week. If that's so, we'll give you a free T-shirt as thanks for giving us hope in these dark times.