Issue #28/53, December 3 - 16, 1998

No one is happier than Burt, the eXile's dead football prognosticator-monkey, that the 24-page format of this newspaper has returned. In fact, he may be the only one besides the paper's advertising department who's happy pages have been added. That's because Burt's eXile handlers, in an attempt to cut costs during the crisis, put his remains in a container of liquid nitrogen for the duration of the 16-page era. With the extra money we're making on advertising this issue, we're actually going to defrost him slowly rather than smashing his brittle, frozen body with a tuning fork, in the hope that he can somehow be resuscitated to call this weekend's NFL games. And in fact, a toxic injection of strychnine and adrenaline into Burt's cold, dead body has, early experiments showed, made it possible for Burt to make a few involuntary reflexive muscle movements when presented with this weekend's matchups. Our loveable simian corpse is a little out of practice, but his flesh was a little warmed by the fact that the Denver Broncos are still just as undefeated as they were at the end of his last tour of duty, and the Philadelphia Eagles still suck just as much. In any case, for a dead monkey as sharp as ol' Burtie, making gridiron picks is like riding a bike; you never forget how much it hurts when you fall off and scrape all the skin off your little chimp kneecaps. So we still trust him. As far as we can tell, here are his picks for week 14:

 Seahawks(+7)  at   Jets :

Bill Parcells on Burt: "You've got your dead monkey, okay? And he picks football games. That's what he does. Now I'm not saying he can't pick them correctly. I never said that. It's just that, you get your monkey in there, and he hasn't picked any games in ten weeks, and I don't care how good he is, he's going to make some mistakes. Okay? You got that?"

Burt's pick: Jets to win and beat the spread.

 Giants (+4)  at   Cardinals :

We at the eXile tried something this week; we put a Giants jersey on Burt and presto! Suddenly we could run right past him every single time. How about that?

Burt's pick: Cardinals to win and cover

 49ers (-10)  at   Panthers :

Would you be willing to bet that 49er coach Steve Mariucci has never sucked a cock? Neither would Burt. Funny how sexual orientation doesn't affect on-field performance. Take the Niners and their pretty rust-colored unies in a blowout.

Burt's pick: Niners to win and cover

 Patriots (+4)  at   Steelers :

With less than two minutes to play, Pats quarterback Drew Bledsoe will drive his team the length of the field to the one yard line. There, he will pull his pants down and take a shit on the field. The next day, sportswriters all over the country will say that Bledsoe has finally answered all those critics who said he could never take a shit on the field with the game on the line.

Burt's pick: Steelers to win, Pats to cover

 Lions (-7)  at   Jaguars :

In the offseason, we introduced a deadly poison into Burt's body, then gave Barry Sanders the antidote and told him to run with it. Burt never caught him, so he went blind and had to have four feet of intestine surgically removed as a result. Jags due for a bad game; even dead, Burt likes Sanders and co.

Burt's pick: Lions to win and cover

 Cowboys (-6.5)  at   Saints :

Kerry Collins on Burt: "You call him a chimpanzee, but where I come from, he's just another nigger."

Burt's pick: Cowboys to win and cover

 Bills (-4.5)  at   Bengals :

What the hell kind of name is Antowain, anyway? It's pronounced 'Antoine', so why not just call him 'Antoine'? This is the kind of thing Buffalo's getting away with this year because of Doug Flutie. If Rob Johnson were still quarterback, the starting running back would be 'Antoine Smith' by now. As it is, he's still 'Antowain'. The worst thing is, the Bengals suck too much to do anything about it.

Burt's pick: Bills to win and cover

 Chargers (-3)  at   Redskins :

Philosophy 101 question: If the San Diego Chargers play the Washington Redskins at Jack Kent Cooke stadium, does anyone in the crowd make any noise?

Burt's pick: He refuses, on principle, to make one.

 Colts (+12)  at   Falcons :

Scientists carbon-dating Atlanta backup Steve DeBerg concluded this week that he was once covered in scales and had thick bone-like plates on his back. He ate shoots and small vegetation and was vulnerable to a variety of predators. His brain was the size of a walnut, and he was probably incapable of escaping a pass rush, even one belonging to Indianapolis. Incidentally, has anyone besides us noticed that Marshall Faulk is leading the league in receptions?

Burt's pick: Falcons to win, Colts to cover

 Chiefs (+14)  at   Broncos :

Somebody is going to have to pull a major upset to prevent Denver from going undefeated. But even Burt, who has 490 genetically-engineered brothers in an Ebola research center in Kansas City, can't find any reason to have any hope for the Chiefs.

Burt's pick: Denver to win and cover

 Dolphins (-2.5)  at   Raiders :

Burt knows that at playoff time, everyone gets down to brass tacks and faces the facts. And the facts are that the Raiders need this game more than Miami does, Jeff George is due for a big game, and the Dolphins play much better at home.

Burt's pick: Raiders to win and cover

 Ravens (+6)  at   Oilers :

Eric Zeier is the first quarterback in NFL history to be sidelined for Rogaine treatments. Burt doesn't get it. He remembers Johnny Unitas. Unitas didn't mind playing bald. What's wrong with players these days?

Burt's pick: Oilers to win and cover

 Bears (+16)  at   Vikings :

Minnesota could win and cover in this game with Kate Moss at wideout instead of Randy Moss.

Burt's pick: Minnesota to win and cover

Monday's Game

 Packers (-6)  at   Bucs :

Brent Favre will start having a drug problem again after this loss. Look for an upset, followed by "Is the Pack Era Over?" stories in Sports Illustrated.

Burt's pick: Bucs to win and cover