#47 | September 10 - 24, 1998  

By now, it's probably safe to assume that the crisis has affected everyone in Moscow, Russian and eXhole alike. Almost everyone, that is. There is one group of people that is still exhibiting a remarkable immunity to the economic turbulence that has most of the country adopting a siege mentality as winter fast approaches.

This lucky group is the Moscow foreign press corps. As employees of Western companies, these folks have been left blissfully unaffected by the dreaded nonpayment crisis; at worst, ATM unreliability has created temporary cash-flow problems. More importantly, the crisis-and its effects on Western financial markets-has put Russia back in the world's headlines, returning to foreign correspondents a status they have not enjoyed since the October 1993 uprising. Thus, while most other professions have been experiencing massive layoffs, newsies are working double and even triple schedules, often taking on lucrative assignments work in addition to their regular duties.

The heavy-duty-ironic, gut-bustingly hilarious part is that-with the exception of the politicians, businessmen, and Western advisors whose greed and ineptitude created the current situation-there is probably no other profession whose practitioners have exhibited nearly as much professional negligence and just plain laziness over the past several years as the Western media. In fact, it is only a slight exaggeration to say that the incompetence of this profession as a whole has in effect helped to foster conditions for its very flourishing-as gross a violation of the laws of natural selection as you're ever likely to encounter.

If you're one of the many who have been laid off through no fault of your own you might be compelled to decry this unjust state of affairs, but this is no time for self-pity. After all, you've got a living to earn, right? Even if the journalism world turns your stomach as much it does ours, if no other options are available you might as well make the most of a bad situation and cash in. At the very least, you can derive some pleasure from the fact that you'll be taking money out of a "real" journalist's pocket.

Right now you're probably saying, "But I can't work as a journalist. I've got no experience and I haven't written anything longer than a memo since college." No problem. Not only is freelancing much easier than it looks, it has got fuck all to do with writing.

Here's a short quiz to see if you've got what it takes.

1. Do you have access to a computer and electronic mail?

2. Are you familiar with the basic features of a word processing program (any one will do), including the spellchecker?

3. Can you lie convincingly to a total stranger over the telephone?

4. Can you roll a die?

If you answered "yes" to all four queries, then you're ready to work.

STEP #1: Initial Contact

Begin your search for that first assignment by contacting publications in your hometown. Start bigger (e.g., the local daily if you're from a small town and they don't already have a regular Moscow correspondent) and work your way down. If that gets you nowhere, move on to other geographic areas. You could also try to tap into the flourishing new-media market-there's an increasing number of clueless web-based publications that are nothing more than electronic imitations of traditional print media. Give 'em the hard sell!

STEP #2: The Pitch

OK, let's assume you're talking to an editor who's damn excited about getting a live-in-person report all the way from Russia for his piss-ant, white-bread mountain-town rag. Hard news reporting is available in abundance from the wires, so pitch the moron a feature story about the effects of the crisis on ordinary Russians in the provinces. If necessary, mention a specific industry or agricultural product that is particularly important to the area-the quirkier the better.

During your pitch use as many of the following handy-dandy tips as you can:

1. Above all, be confident. If you sound like you believe you're an experienced journalist, the editor will believe it, too.

2. Overstate your qualifications by at least one degree (e.g., if you have no experience, say you wrote for a college paper, etc.).

3. In the course of the conversation, be sure to use a few obviously identifiable Russian words, even if you don't speak a word of the language (in which case an easy word like "babushka" or "kvas" should do the trick).

4. Mention in passing a passage from a book by Rebecca West of which you were just reminded. Chances are the editor won't have read it either and will drop the subject. If he does continue with the subject, divert his attention by saying you hear gunshots outside and pretend to step away from the phone for a moment.

5. Whenever appropriate, employ the following journalistic shop phrases: "I can hammer out 500 words for you." "I don't have any art, but you can use file stuff." "I'll get all that color in." "This way you'll have a byline from [enter name of city]." "I'm watching the wires, so I know what's going on."

6. Mention a lunch date you have later on with "your friend Dave," leaving little doubt that you're talking about David Remnick.

7. Toss in a few cynical opinions about specific aspects of life of Russia while remaining generally optimistic about the situation here.

8. The instant the editor demonstrates definite interest in your pitch (and no later than two minutes into the call), mention that you have to run off to the theater and ask the editor to call you back or e-mail. Avoid mentioning the name of a specific playwright as Chekhov is too common, and anyone else would be pushing it.

Once you've secured that first gig, proceed to the next section.

STEP #3: "Writing" A Piece

You should now be ready to tackle your first assignment. You're not doing any actual research or legwork, so you won't need accreditation or anything like that. A bottle of bourbon-brownest of the brown liquors-will add to the realism, however. Hopefully, you can find some lying around the house.

All you have to do now is write your piece. Oops, did we say "write"? We meant process. The eXile's Official 500-Word Russian-Crisis-Feature Template is provided below, along with all the accessories needed to turn out a completed story.

1. Cut out and assemble the four Identifier Dice below. If desired, use a second layer of paper inside each die to increase sturdiness.

2. Roll the Name and Surname Die three times each, writing down two male names and one female name from each in the corresponding spaces provided directly below or on a separate sheet of paper. Do not worry if your two Male Names are identical. If the Male Surnames are identical, roll again (unless the repeated surname is "Ivanov," in which case repetition is fine), but "(no relation)" must be inserted immediately after the first mention of the second man's name. Roll the Village/City Die, writing either the City or Village name in the appropriate space below. Roll the Prof/Tool Die three times writing down two Professions and one Tool in the appropriate space below.

3. Using this Identifier data and your own choosing skills, go through the Feature Template inserting and eliminating data within square brackets. Bracketed words in ALL CAPS are to be replaced with the corresponding Identifier data. When brackets contain two or more sets of words separated by a slash, all but one of the sets is to be deleted. In some cases, you have a choice between the given text and Identifier data (again indicated by ALL CAPS). Beware of choosing your variables at random, as you could end up with a feature partially filled with nonsense. In this respect, always try to err on the side of caution and remember: a little nonsense is acceptable (it is the Russian provinces you're "writing" about, after all), but no one's going to pay you for a story that appears to have been written by a disturbed teenager with limited imagination. Furthermore, after several sessions (usually six to nine, depending on your personality type) you will probably become bored with the stories your Feature Template has to offer. No problem, as you should now have sufficient experience to amend the template somewhat, thus opening up a whole new world of potential story angles. In addition, feel free to change the data on the various Identifier Dice to further spruce up your repertoire. The possibilities are indeed endless.

4. E-mail your story (or print it out and fax it) to your editor within 48 hours after the deadline.

5. Wait for your bank transfer to come through.

6. Repeat as often as you feel comfortable or are able. Keep in mind that, following your first few publications, you will have both real journalism experience and actual clips to show potential employers, thus making the task of finding more work even easier.

A word of encouragement for those experiencing doubt: While someone of us are disgusted by the very idea of journalism, others might find this particular type of freelancing to be dishonest or even immoral. This is of course very much a personal issue, but keep in mind that you are merely repeating on a small scale and for a limited time what many highly paid foreign correspondents have been doing on a mass scale for decades.

PLEASE FILL IN YOUR IDENTIFIER DATA HERE: Male Name 1:___________________________ Male Surname 1:________________________ Male Name 2:________________________ Male Surname 2:________________________ Female Name:________________________ Female Surname:________________________ City/Village:________________________ Profession 1:________________________ Profession 2:________________________ Tool:________________________