#47 | September 10 - 24, 1998  

Don't be alarmed, web-surfing X-holes. The fact that we're working overtime to put extra material on the web just one week after the last issue of the biweekly eXile came out doesn't mean a damn thing, except that the rumors about our cruelty to animals are true. The thing is, we spent some serious coin hiring German geneticists to clone Burt, our stock-picking dead syphilitic monkey, and we want to get our money's worth out of him. Last week we took the adolescent clone off stock detail, which in light of recent events no longer seemed a very promising field to be in, and assigned him to the more useful work of betting on football games. His first crack at spreading a grand around on a week of NFL games was disappointing, but not a total disaster. Only a push (which our bookie charges a 10% fee on) in the Minnesota game, which Burt had laid $250 on, kept us from breaking even. Being 15 bucks under (the $1000 we gave him is now $985) is no big deal for us freewheeling fast-lane eXile staffers, but for Burt it's been pretty rough—we've been applying liquid syphillis cultures to his bulging bloodshot eyeballs since the end of the Chiefs game. We hope he learned his lesson.

In any case, to recap, Burt lost against the spread betting on Tampa Bay, Miami, Pittsburgh, Kansas City, the Jets, Carolina, Atlanta and Tennessee, while he won with Cincinnati, Denver, Oakland, Seattle, New England and San Francisco. Fortunately, he'd bet more on the games he won (particularly the New England game), so his losses, again, were negligible.

Because sports prognosticating is a full-time affair, we decided to put Burt on the net during off-weeks of the eXile so that his performance over the course of a long NFL season could be more closely studied. Also, we get bored on the weekends, and nothing helps us pass the time better than injecting a few exotic diseases in a defenseless animal like Burtie. Of course, we only do that when he fucks up. And that's the whole point. With a negative reinforcement regimen as rigorous as ours, we figure that by the end of the season, ol' pustule-eyes here will be able to pick winners against the spread four or five years ahead of time. But for now, we're just taking baby steps on the road to excellence. In fact, right now, we're just hoping he survives week three. Because if he loses eight games against the spread again, this sports chimp is going to be saying a big open-veined hello Tuesday morning to a righteous dose of hantavirus we've got waiting in the fridge. When so informed, Burt screeched out the following Week 3 picks:

 Rams (0-2)  at   Bills (0-2):
Bills by 4˝

Burt's pustule marks say Isaac (They Call Me) Bruce will have a big day hauling in balls against the hey-at-least-we-made-it-there-four-times gang at Rich Stadium. Antowain Smith? What the hell kind of name is that? Our bet: $40 on St. Louis.

 Cowboys (1-1)  at   Giants (1-1):
Giants by 4

Burt's a Rwandan at heart and hates America's team, but he thinks Dallas can win this division even without Troy Aikman. The Giants, to use the popular expression, suck. Dallas to win and cover. Our bet: $50 on Dallas.

 Colts (0-2)  at   Jets (0-2):
Jets by 9

Even Burt knows the Jets are due for a breakout game, and who better to do it against than the stat-padding Colts. Burt thinks Peyton Manning should be given hantavirus every time he throws a pick. Too bad: his contract prohibits it. Agents! Like Burt, we're taking Tuna's gang minus the points. Our bet: $40 on the Jets.

 Bears (0-2)  at   Bucs (0-2):
Bucs by 8

Ultrasound imaging of Burt's brain waves revealed complex and terrifying nightmares about being attacked by three Dinka monkey-trappers, only to have bodyguard Trent Dilfer and his egg-noodle arm fail to ward them off with a spear. The Bears, by the way, have covered in both their games. Our bet: $50 on Chicago.

 Redskins (0-2)  at   Seahawks (2-0):
Seahawks by 8˝

Burt would rather remain shrieking and incarcerated for all eternity than suffer the agony of being an NFC East team fan this year. The Kingdome will be Wounded Knee for these Redskins this week, and their suffering will last many Moons. Our bet: $80 on Seattle.

 Oilers (1-1)  at   Patriots (1-1):
Patriots by 6˝

Burt once shared a cage with Buddy Ryan in a Philadelphia detox center and beat him in Chinese checkers. Buddy isn't on the Oiler staff, but the team uses his vaunted 46 defense. It won't help against sloe-eyed Drew Bledsoe and his swarm of speedy receivers, who'll have a Grand Ole blowout of the Bluegrass boys on their hands by the middle of the second quarter. Our bet: A big fat $375 on New England.

 Packers (2-0)  at   Bengals (1-1):
Packers by 7

Dorsey Levens complained about the pain when he had a screw put in his sprained ankle last week, but for a disease-ridden test subject like our Burt, a little sterilized screw in the bones is like recreation, not discomfort. The Pack is a little overvalued these days and Cinci looks a good bet to cover. Take Green Bay to win, but the Bengals with the points. Our bet: $20 on Cincinnati.

 Ravens (1-1)  at   Jaguars (2-0):
Jaguars by 7

Burt takes living in a cage in stride, and doesn't like QBs who won't stay in the pocket and run around the field like wussies. Mark Brunell and the Jags have been a trendy pick to win it all, but having trouble putting away guys like Baltimore's Eric Zeier will soon have the pundits saying Nevermore. Take the Jags to win but the Ravens against the spread. Our bet: $40 on Baltimore.

 Chargers (2-0)  at   Chiefs (1-1):
Chiefs by 10

Burt's eyes are now completely glazed over with pus from the hot dose we gave him for picking the Chiefs last week, but his belly hair still falls out at the mere mention of a rookie quarterback taking the field at Arrowhead stadium. The Kansas City ground crew will be turning over a new Leaf Monday morning after Ryan's Sunday flattening into the astroturf at the hands of sackmaster Derrick Thomas and his pals. Our bet: $60 on KC.

 Broncos (2-0)  at   Raiders (1-1):
No line

Jeff (Tell Me About the Rabbits) George and the Raiders came through for Burt last week, but there isn't yet enough syphillis in Burt's brain to prompt an Oakland pick straight up against the Broncs. There may not be that much syphillis in the world. Even if Bubby Brister starts, this one's a laugher. Our pick: $70 on Denver.

 Lions (0-2)  at   Vikings (2-0):
Vikings by 5˝

If Burt never sees Scott Mitchell again, it'll be too soon. But even with the lefty pick artist benched, Burt thinks Robert Smith will easily find a cure for the Vikes' lackluster effort last week against the men in blue in this big divisional matchup. Our pick: $100 on Minnesota.

 Steelers (2-0)  at   Dolphins (2-0):
Dolphins by 2

The Dolphins' unbeaten record is softer than the flesh on Burt's gangrenous legs. Pittsburgh stays perfect in a walk. Our bet: $50 on Pittsburgh.

 Eagles (0-2)  at   Cardinals (0-2):
Cardinals by 4˝

Burt would rather be injected with a gallon of pure strychnine than watch this awful game. One micro-drop of pus falls on Arizona to cover. Our bet: $10 on Arizona.