#47 | September 10 - 24, 1998  

ANOTHER GERMAN

Dear Editors,
Got to thank you really. I was contemplating one or two months ago whether to invest my wardrobe-stashed savings in a local bank after being advised such ("but think of the interest") by a friend. Then I read your articles about the economy being totally shagged. Does the Moscow Times know the meaning of shame? After the revolution, when they allow a few foreigners back in, why don't you two set up a "serious" paper alongside the Exile? After all, if that set of clowns can make plenty a rouble... Cheers, Gerhard Burger

Dear Gerhard,
No, the Moscow Times doesn't know the meaning of shame. Perhaps that's because they could give a fuck about you, knowing you have no choice but to read them. Or perhaps its because they've never stooped so low as to write us a gushing letter of praise. It takes shame and courage to write us a letter, and Gerhard, you've got 'em both. You're a true eXhole! So sit back for a minute while we pick on your funny-sounding German name, and you'll learn about just how little shame we really have. Ready? Okay, here goes. Seig Hiel! Heil Hitler! Heil! Whew! Okay, that was worth it, wasn't it? It's the only joke we can think of. We're not always on, you know. We hate this job, but we've got bills to pay. Which brings us to the serious part. So, like... can you loan us some marks? Let's say you give us a percentage of the money we saved you, plus a few points... All right, look. We'll throw in our sales girls, Sveta and Tanya. or you, sir, 500 mark apiece. Deal? Yeah? Then come on down and get your t-shirt, you Teutonic nut, and walk out with two stunning Russian beauties for the price of one!

[SIC] AND DESIST

Dear [sic]
I was in Moscow recently looking at a possible job with a new york law firm - I read your newspaper - I thought I would tell you I thought it was very very good. The article about rape was a bit much, but otherwise really well written.
Take care
Bill Cassin

Dear Bill,
Thanks for the compliments, but as much as we'd like to keep you here to milk you for free legal advice and cheap loans in exchange for humoring you with our precious wit, we're going to tell you that the best thing Bill Cassin could do would be to return home, buy a nice secluded apartment, invite a date over for a pasta dinner, and rape her. Hey wait a cottin-pickin minute here... can lawyers do that? Guess not. In that case, Bill, the next best thing is coming out to Moscow and hopping aboard the runaway date-train. It's the next best thing, we promise you. One Ladies' night at the Duck or one Friday wet T-shirts at Papa John's, and you'll start to see things our way. Call us when you're back in town for your [sic] T-shirt, which we'll gladly hand if you promise us a little loan to get over this financial crisis.

DEFAULTING ON FUN

Dear Mark,
I just finished reading your article, "Default" on the Exile web page. Considering recent events, you really hit that one on the head. Congrats! However I sure do miss your personal stories about sex, drugs and rock and roll. Will we ever see those stories again? I kinda of doubt it now that you are the worlds foremost prognosticator of future economic disasters. Good luck,
Dan

Dear Dan,
The problem is that Mark got stomped by a group of drunken Belgian tourists and is paralyzed from the tongue down, making sex and all that a little difficult. Now he looks like a lot like Stephen Hawking, only a lot hairier, and instead of a computer voice, he communicates via an "ass harmonica." He won't be doing much sinning for awhile, although his nurse complains that he's always trying to molest her with his head stick.

CULTURAL IMPERIALISM

Editor,
Wouldn't it be a good idea to add a little glassory for some difficult words used in the current edition of exile (mainly slang) which are very difficult to understand for a non english speakers? This would possibly increase the number of your readers. Or do you only address other exile bodies from US?
Caner Onoglu

Dear Caner,
We don't want more readers. We want fewer readers. Go away. Leave us alone. Can't anyone out there see that we're just troubled artists crying for help? And while you're at it, get yourself a name that sounds more American, will ya? Don't you know there's a financial crisis going on?!

OO Boy, AM I ANGRY!

Dear Fucking Editor,
OK, I can understand almost everything. Even the fact that people who write and tell you they like your rag get a truckload of shit in their faces. Especially the fact that someone who has received death threats may be so stressed out that his column gets the rambling, hysterical, thin-voiced quality of Mark Ames' latest.

But please explain to me what the deal is with Eduard Limonov. Look, reading his articles is already a pain in the ass because he is the most boring and self-centered writer in your paper and seems to have zero distance or irony towards himself. (Deep down, someone like Mark Ames seems half-convinced that he's a piece of shit, and that makes it so much more entertaining to read him putting down everyone else. But not Limonov. He's all hunky dory in his own book). So why compound the suffering by letting the asshole write in English and not even correcting his mistakes? You people seem to be such sticklers for correct spelling otherwise, at least you keep mentioning it in your insults to letter-writers. Maybe it's some kind of really "tonkaya" joke at Limonov's expense ("No, Edichka, don't listen to them, your English is fine! Really! I swear! Cross my heart!")? Yes, I would like that...

Okay, I'm finished, you may start insulting me (if this is published).
Anonymous admirer

Dear Anonymous,
Ever been in a cattle wagon before? Dr. Limonov has reserved a first class cabin for you. On the way to Siberia, you could take a minute out and think about your assinine criticism. Such as assuming a world-famous writer has no sense of irony even though he's the only writer we've ever known who insisted on publishing his eXile texts with all the mistakes included. It's the very antithesis of the literary pretentiousness middlebrows have been trained to worship: the hyper-egotistical writer who won't let a sentence go out until it's been approved by the Board of Directors of every grammar expert on earth. For them, the worst thing is to risk making an fool of yourself. Readers like yourself are so conditioned to bow down to false humility and grammar so perfect that it farts dust that you've lost your ability to admire something truly cool. Also, there's nothing more annoying than someone taking the time out to write and rewrite a letter to the editor who then claims that the subject they're attacking is the most boring thing of all. Welp, see you at the katorga!

DAVE GETS OUT HIS EXILE KNEE-PADS

Dear sirs,
You know, I'm bummed. I just spent six months in Moscow, reading and frequently defending your fine publication (although often with my fingers crossed), and although I finally escaped, I find myself back in the States without an Exile t-shirt. Why didn't I write in Moscow? I couldn't decide on the appropriate tone. Should I be obscene and aggressive, or deferential, or obsequious and mousy? I've seen it all in your letters column, and am unable to think of an interesting and unique voice for this request.

So I'm giving it to you straight (there's a set-up line; go for it).

Can I have a t-shirt?

By the way, I wanted to tell you that I admire Mark Ames' ballsy reply to the author of the death threats. I aim for an inspired anonymity in my life, and although it hadn't ocurred to me that that stance would help me avoid death threats, it's a definite advantage. I have infinite respect for Mr. Ames's courage. You the man, Mark!
Sincerely,
David Stuckey

No, Dave, you the man! See, because the thing is, to win a t-shirt, you don't have to write anything clever at all. We're bored with clever. Just tell us how great we are, and the T-shirt's yours. We'll also throw in our receptionist, Olya, if you can package together a $700 syndicated loan to get us through the next couple of weeks. We're dying up here, David! This financial crisis thing is no joke!

[Note: we have already offered to ship a free T-shirt]

LIKE AN OFFSHORE VIRGIN

Dear eXile editors,
My friend and I just returned from Moscow several weeks ago. We love the Exile!

We really enjoyed your reviews of the clubs and restaurants, and carried your paper with us as we made our rounds of the city.

Now that we are back home in the Virgin Islands, its fun to read your paper and remember how much fun we had in Moscow.
Pam

Dear Pam,
What are you wearing? Aw the heck with it. We don't want sex, Pam. We want Ded Prezzes. Since you come from the Virgin IslandsÑthat is, offshorny paradiseÑwe figure you're probably not too far from the bank where all of our eXile bank money was wired to. See, our Russian bank is gone, vanished, while yours hasn't done so well since the Medellin Cartel days. Look, we'll do anythingÑliterally anythingÑto get our hands on some hard currency. We've proven our prostitute credentials in every issue Pam, so name your desires, and we'll do it. We'll even throw in a Death Porn T-shirt, and a dinner date with Mark Ames, whose said to be a real Casinova with that head stick of his. Tempted?

NUKE THIS MAN!

Hi:
You've got an ex-pat KGB General over here, in the USA, saying that Russia still considers us its greatest enemy and has nukes, biologicals and chemicals all aimed at us.

Don't Russians realize that Americans have zero hostility towards you because, as a people, we are so self-absorbed by such important events as Bill Clinton's zipper that we don't even think of you at all?

Before the Berlin Wall fell you were our number one enemy; now you don't exist. I realise indicates a terrible lack of world knowledge on the part of Americans but, as we have never had to defend our borders, wehave short history memories.

I'd love to correspond with anyone in Russia or the former Soviet Union. I live in a one room cabin in the mountains: the Feather River Canyon in the Sierra Nevada of northern California, USA.
John Keith

POB 100
Storrie, 95980 , CA, USA

Dear John,
You Americans may have zero hostility towards us Russians, but we Russians (and we ARE Russians, John, you're darn tootin' on that one) have a whole HELLUVA lotta hostility towards you. That's right, you. We hate only YOU, John Keith. We've been monitoring you in your one room cabin, and we consider you a threat to the very existence of Russian civilization. For that reason, every nuke, anthrax spore and nerve gas canister in our arsenal is targeted at your Storrie, CA dump. Why? Because of all great, majestic coastal locales in California, God's own offering to mankind, you chose to live in the shittiest, eastermost part of the state, the part no oneÑnot even us RussiansÑwanted. And this threatens our sense of reason and balance in the world. Even we Russians were smart enough to occupy coastal CaliforniaÑyou know, Fort Ross. Only when we have unleashed our fury on your cabin can we put this whole Cold War thing to rest.

DON'T STEB THE MUZAK

Dear Mark,
I am writing to congratulate you with your brilliant "A McFaul in Hitler's Clothig essay."

Well-done! You have shoved it down their throats quite eloquently. As a curator of the International Counterculture Archive (the only US interdisciplinary institute dedicated to study of alernative movements in Russia and other countries) I am an avid reader of the Exile. I was utterly disgusted by the attempts of these humourless and banal individuals to shut you down and to censore you from Johnson's List. One can clearly see that even though they are making profession of studying Russia they are still failing to understand the basics of inherently Russian stylistics of STEB present in the Exile.

You, however, have a great sense of STEB's tongue-in-cheek, its intrinsic carnivalesque qualities. Hence come Dugin and Limonov by whom you are clearly fascinated, and whom your foes fail to understand so myserably.

My archive is largely dedicated to studying people like Zhirinovsky, Dugin, Limonov, Zharikov, Letov and such, because in some way they are the best Russia has to offer. They are smart, and they are fascinating, and they are oh, so Russian, harking back to Russian Middle Ages, to Ivan Groznyi and even before...

Thank you for your great work and for being so insightful, culture-sensitive and broad-minded!
Best,
Mark Yoffe, Ph.D. Curator, International Counterculture Archive Slavic Librarian, The George Washington University, Washington, D.C.

Dear Dr. Yoffe,
What makes you think that we're just joking?