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low-yield murder |
"skull-brain trauma" |
podyezd |
really stupid criminal |
children |
Russian Sports Connection |
murder-suicide |
cries for help ignored |
"investigation continuing" |
carved up like a turkey |
related to victim's job |
cannibalism |
riddled with bullets |
old people |
Just Don't Bite It
We heard word recently that we were a sensational publication, so we now feel sort of obligated to present sensational news. Here's one item we picked out of "Ochnaya Stavka", the surprisingly glib new official publication published jointly by the press departments of all the Russian federal law enforcement organs. A woman named Vera Andreyeva was recently arrested in Sochi after unleashing a series of extremely painful bites on an elderly john in a beachfront hotel. Police when questioning the girl were struck by her seeming inability to distiguish reality from fantasy, her outrageously sexually provocative manner, and her "impressive bust."
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| "This suspect is about three-foot eight, and should be considered armed, dangerous and dead. Please exercise extreme tact." |
Not long into questioning, investigators were able to tie Vera to a series of sexual attacks against men and young boys all over the country-Podolsk, St. Petersburg, Nizhni Novgorod. The St. Petersburg victim was a 12 year-old boy (whose body was discovered, incidentally, on St. Patrick's Day, 1996) who'd died of blood loss. He'd had his penis bitten off. At least six other penis-biting crimes were tied to the girl before she was remanded to St. Petersburg for psychiatric evaluation. There, St. Petersburg detective Sergei Yakovlev managed to interview the girl for the benefit of "Ochnaya Stavka's" unsensationalist readers. "What do you want from me?" Vera told the detective. "I'm abnormal. A vamp-baba." Yakovlev learned in the interview that Andreyeva had lost her virginity at fifteen, when she came home to find her mother being screwed by two men. "The instant they saw me, they pounced on me, the swine," she said. A few years later Vera fell in love with a boy named Valera. He boned her and promised to marry her as soon as she turned 18. But then 18 came and he married someone else, then registered for the army. Things might have been okay if he'd left it at that, but he then made the mistake of his life, coming over to Vera's for "one last goodbye" before boot camp. "He'll never forget that decision," she told Yakovlev.
"Why?"
"Because I bit the head of his cock off," she said.
This is a police newspaper, folks, we swear.
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| "Wait, take another picture! His eyes were closed for this one!" |
Valera threatened to kill Vera, but she managed to get away and immediately ran away from home. She found afterwards that she had an irrepressible desire to recreate the Valera scenario. "It was a sort of animal feeling, a feeling of being predatory...Blood really is sweet, you become addicted to the taste of it." In any case, she travelled around the country, trading sex with doormen for living space in hotels, where she robbed johns and searched out victims. She found she liked young boys the best, and said they were "very easy to catch." We're really not making this up. As it stands, Vera's still being examined by the SudMedExpertisa in St. Pete. We're sorry we don't have a photo. We want to see that bust!
Sudanslaughter
You know you live in a country that really, really sucks when you'd rather spend 5 years in a Russian prison than be repatirated. But believe it or not, three guys from Sudan made exactly that call last Sunday in Sheremetyevo airport, when they stabbed their own consul with a kitchen knife rather than be deported back to Sudan. According to Moskovsky Komsomolets, the three men had been in Syria and Cuba before arriving in Moscow without documents or money. When the federal migration service decided to deport them, the Sudanese Consul, Khalil Sarbal Khalil, was summoned to Sheremetyevo to help fill out the necessary documentation. Now here's the weird part; somewhere in the airport offices of the migration service, the three Sudanese managed to get ahold of a kitchen knife. News reports actually hinted that the knife was taken from the desk of the migration officer. Whatever.
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| "Doctor, I think it's time to change my prescription." |
In any case, the end result was that just before the three men were to be ledout and put on a plane home, they all jumped on Khalil and started beating and stabbing him savagely. The Consul sustained stab wounds to his shoulder and stomach and remains in serious condition. The three men got their wish and went to a jail cell in Sheremetyevo to await arraignment for attempted murder charges. In subsequent interrogation one of the Sudanese cited unstable domestic politics in Sudan as the reason for the attack, saying that his own family members had been killed and that the Consul himself was involved in a conspiracy to assassinate him. We'd investigate this story further, but that would mean taking time out to learn something specific and useful about a distant third world country, and besides, it's funnier if you leave it to the imagination. We don't want to pass judgement, but you have to figure that a year or so in Butirka will make patriots out of all these guys. Whaddya think, Africans? Write us and let us know!
Four on the Floor
You thought it only happened in the movies, but it happens in the Podmoskoviye too. Scene: a small bar called the Cafe Roxanne in the village of Vasiliyevskoye, in the Serpukovsky region.
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| "When you pulled out that gag knife, I just died laughing!" |
Time: 10:50 p.m. Characters: the Roxanne director and three friends from neighboring Chekhov, plus an 18 year-old barmaid. Props: table, bar, shatterable bottles, slighly ajar door. The action begins when two unidentified men in black ski masks burst through the door and open fire all over the room. For aesthetic consistency, each assassin was carrying his own cliche assassination weapon-one had a Kalashnikov, the other the standard TT pistol. The four guys were riddled with bullets and killed instantly, but the barmaid managed to dive under the counter while the killers pumped tracer fire into the wall of bottles behind. The barmaid lived. The bartender never gets killed.
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