Issue #23/78, November 18 - December 2, 1999  

low-yield murder	"control shot"	podyezd	really stupid criminal	children	cries for help ignored	murder-suicide
"investigation continuing"	carved up like a turkey	related to victim's job	cannibalism	riddled with bullets	old people	Hunger-related murder

HE SLEPT ON THE JOB

A promising start for a Kazakh serial murderer was cut short when he was

"You're damn right I'm angry! And I'll stay this way until every American is covered by a universal health care plan!"

found asleep on the job and summarily fired from serial murdering. According to November's issue of Kriminalnaya Khronika, the aspiring maniac, Nursultan Uteshev, kickstarted his career by casing a young boy who was returning from his dacha near the western Kazakh city of Uralsk. Uteshev nabbed the 12-year-old boy, dragged him away, tortured him, then hog-tied him with a cord and sodomized him. The boy lived, but the next victim, a middle-aged woman, wasn't quite as lucky. While out picking wild currant berries in the forests near the village of Akzhaik, Uteshev bonked her on the head with a blunt instrument and killed her. And then, as maniacs would do, he had his way with her.

In keeping with Uteshev's democratic numerical pattern, the next victim turned out to be a 75-year-old babushka who worked as a dezhurnaya in a central Uralsk building. He smashed through her window and raped her... and then passed out on the floor afterwards. The babushka was able to crawl away and call the police, who apprehended Uteshev at the scene of the crime. He was caught, convicted, and sentenced to death. Since Kazakhstan hasn't yet banned executions, Uteshev looks like wormfood to us; not only that, but since President Nazerbayev has promised to air, in Death Porn fashion, an upcoming execution (expected to be broadcast in Russia), we think there's as good a chance as any that Uteshev might take his nine grams in the back of the neck for all of us to view. Hey, that's what you get for sleeping on the job, folks.

NEEDLEDICK

It sounds like something out of Friday the 13th: Jason Goes To Belarus. Except that instead of an axe and a swamp-creature face, this freak was armed with a syringe and a flaccid fee-wee.

It all began this past July at a children's camp called "Druzhba", located about 35 kilometers from Minsk. According to an article in the recent Komsomolskaya Pravda, a man broke into the camp late at night, quietly woke up a young girl, asked her if she'd had her shots yet, then injected her with a strange solution that made her lose consciousness. He struck several times at the camp, which caters towards children who come from regions affected by the Chernobyl disaster. As if that wasn't horrible enough, now they had to contend with a psycho with a syringe injecting an unknown substance into their children.

Once, he was caught in the hallway late at night by one of the counselors, but he angrily told the inquiring camp counselor that he'd come to pick up his

The Wanted picture of Needledick, as published in Komsomolskaya Pravda

daughter and to leave him alone. The counselor apologized and let him go about his injecting business.

Investigators couldn't figure out what the suspect was injecting the children with, or why. None had died, and none had shown signs of rape. Some fell ill and/or unconscious, while others barely reacted.

By October, children at the camp and surrounding regions were warned to beware of a man who was breaking in late at night and injecting them. They were forced to memorize the following slogan: "Maniacs are afraid of shouts and counselors." Doesn't exactly make for a Meatballs-like camp experience, but what the hey, these are different times, folks.

On October 27th, Needledick took the bus to the Druzhba Camp for another go. One of the camp cops, Artur Shebalin, noticed that a bathroom window had been jimmied open. He searched around and found a man lurking there--only, the 50-year-old suspect, who was wearing a pair of white gloves, was twice Shebalin's size! Needledick made a run for the forest, but Shebalin brought him down with his pistol--two shots to the shins.

While still recovering from the wounds, the suspect admitted to committing the crimes but, since his appointed lawyer was a woman, he requested that the confession be put off until a male lawyer could be found. The minute the police brought him a male lawyer, Needledick is quoted as saying, "Well, all right then, let's get to work today!"

Some time ago, Needledick, who is married with children and gainfully employed, realized that he couldn't achieve an erection unless he saw an anonymous, naked woman's body; he'd stand up even straighter if he knew that the woman couldn't see him. So, in order to get his mojo back, he bought some liquid German tranquilizers, queried doctors, and tested on himself various doses of different injections before setting upon young girls. He'd inject them, putting them to sleep, then strip their clothes off and masturbate over their unconscious bodies. He even came up with a clever new medical term for his illness: "A Return To Childhood".

Needledick faces up to three years in prison for sex crimes with minors. The editors of this newspaper, no strangers to the world of impotence, have described this particular tale as "instructive".

JEALOUS GUY

Some of you may recall the John Lennon song "Jealous Guy". Bryan Ferry did an excellent cover of it in the early-80s that went to number one in Britain. Last Thursday, according to Segodnya, the bodies of music school director Yuri Gudkov and his lover, singing teacher Vera Lobacheva, were found in the apartment of assistant prosecutor for the Izmailova Region Ekaterina Masainova. It didn't take long for investigators to piece together the crime scene: Gudkov made a tape of his confession before "comma-selfing", a tape which adds a distinctly post-Soviet color to the original Lennon song. It goes something like this: "I didn't mean to stab you / I'm sorry that I made you die/ I didn't mean to drive the kitchen knife into your heart/ I'm just a jealous guy." After drinking to celebrate the Day of Harmony and Reconciliation

"War or no war, there's nothing I enjoy more than reading The Beat!"

holidays (once called the October Revolution holidays), Gudkov accused his lover of cheating on him, grabbed a kitchen knife, and stabbed her in the chest, killing her almost instantly. Realizing this, he took out a tape recorder, recorded what happened, and then... well, just listen to the song: "I was trying to make you revive/then decided I should die/ So I swallowed brake fluid/ Yeah I drank a bottle of bra-a-a-ke flu-u-I-I-I-d!"

Incidentally, household violence is far and away the leading cause of murder in Moscow. But hey, you already knew that.

NOT THAT IT MATTERS, BUT...

There was this serial murderer recently caught in the Arkhangelsk oblast. Even though he clocked in seven murders, even Kriminalnaya Khronika couldn't find more than three paragraphs for him on the bottom left corner of page 13. Earlier this year, in Velsk, a town of some 40,000, people started noticing that their neighbors were disappearing. All were women aged 16 to 49. The town grew frightened, and top federal investigators from OMON to vice answered the call. Eventually, they apprehended a 50-year-old sex maniac from Arkhangelsk, who confessed all. He'd cruise the streets in his beat up old truck, pick up hitchhikers, kill them, and then carefully bury them in the forest. After authorities caught him, he cooperated fully, helping to find all of the bodies. Perhaps the reason that the Russian press, including KK, didn't find room for him is because, as the headline to the article reads, he was just a "Classic Maniac from Velsk."